Image via Complex Original
Sports have a way of bringing out the jackass in all of us and March Madness is no different. You'd think that exorbitant tuition costs and incurable venereal diseases would foster some resentment towards our chosen institutions of higher education, but it's the exact opposite. We connect to our campuses with Dick Vitale-like enthusiasm and our crowing is especially annoying during the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. So you can avoid looking like a loser when your team wins, here are 10 Signs You're a March Madness Douchebag.
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As a boss or HR director, you add CBS Sports to the Internet work filter.
In these trying economic times, the browbeaten middle class is already subjected to furlough days and a crippling consumer debt. Don't humiliate the American workforce further by blocking the NCAA Tournament from its shameful, collective cubicle. Let them eat cake watch basketball! It's your patriotic duty.
You and your girlfriend share a bracket.
We get it. You went to Arizona and she went to Syracuse and it would be "so cute" if they met in the championship this year. You know how uncomfortable people feel when you sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant or work out together on neighboring elliptical machines? We feel the same way when you two bet a "a back rub" on which of your alma maters will advance further in the Tournament.
You brag insufferably about your upset picks.
Oh, you picked VCU over Kansas? Wow, you're such a college basketball expert. Now every time the Rams take the floor we're reminded of how you've always thought "Treveon Graham deserved more national attention" and "Shaka Smart is just another Sweet Sixteen away from an NBA assistant coaching job." Thanks for ruining this year's Cinderella story.
Your Final Four is all No. 1 seeds.
Why even fill out a bracket, bruh? Best case scenario: You split the pool with the other half dozen jerk offs with the exact same strategy. Look, you'll probably have a more enduring Elite Eight than most, but it's weak as hell. Like the guy who uses his iPhone to cheat during pub trivia, you're a loser even if you win.
Your team's not in the tournament, but you still talk trash.
Three semesters at massage therapy school might give you the freedom to carelessly hound Duke grads during an upset, but it's not a good look. Living in the Bluegrass State doesn't buy allegiance to Louisville by itself, so stop claiming them intolerably to a group of Missouri fans. Have some respect for yourself and keep your mouth shut. Besides, the smell of your tooth decay is filling the bar.
As a diehard NCIS fan, the delayed start time gets under your skin
CBS's round-the-clock coverage of mid-major upsets and thrilling buzzer-beaters means that 60 Minutes, How I Met Your Mother, and the always captivating The Mentalist will be taking a backseat. Sorry, grandma. We know that LL Cool J makes your catheter bag extra steamy, but between its delayed start and your 8 p.m. bed time, you'll probably be without NCIS: Los Angeles until mid April.
You're in more than three pools.
This is the know-it-all fan who agonizes over which No. 12 seed has the best shot of making a run. Like a coward, he exhausts every possible combination in 25 different brackets. If you spend more than a half hour doing cost-benefit analysis of Big Ten defenses against the Mountain West's upset potential, then your life's heading in a pretty pathetic direction. The office secretary who made her picks based on which team mascot would win in a fight is taking the pool anyway. Nice try, though.
You’re cheap.
There's nothing sadder than seeing a dude get priced out by a $20 buy-in. So don't be that guy. Most of our alma maters will be out of the race by March 25 and we need more than "bragging rights" to keep us engaged through the 'ship. Devote your tax refund to a more worthwhile cause than credit card payments or your gas bill. Summer's right around the corner, who cares if they turn your heat off?
You constantly remind people who’s still alive in your bracket.
Wait, stop! Before you spend another 30 minutes gracelessly recalling all 25 of your remaining teams, we're going to insist you keep your mouth shut. Because, well, no one cares. After fantasy football season, "March Madness" is the most insufferable water cooler conversation. And giving a detailed rundown of your bracket is the worst thing you can do.
You're still about that NBA life.
Excuse us for not wanting to discuss games 65 through 69 of the NBA's meaningless regular season, but it's the most exciting time of year to be a college basketball fan. More than half of the NBA's teams make the playoffs and are competing now for one extra home game in a best-of-seven playoff series. Riveting. The NCAA Tournament is 67 Game Sevens packed into three weeks, which is a lot more interesting than ad nauseum Dwight Howard offseason speculation or a "breakthrough" Celtics win against the Milwaukee Bucks.
