Image via Complex Original
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers have a problem. A serious problem. They might not be ready to admit it yet—as recently as last week, Kobe insisted that the Lakers are "not a 3-11 team," even though they were, in fact, 3-11 at the time—but they're one of the worst teams in the entire NBA right now. Worse than the Kevin Durant-less Thunder. Worse than the too-young-to-know-any-better Timberwolves. Worse than the Bucks, the team that finished with a worse record than the 76ers last season! Just four years removed from winning their 16th NBA title in franchise history, the Lakers are on the verge of hitting rock bottom and desperately need some help.
We're here to give it to them. We realize that, at this point, the Lakers don't seem like they're ready to make the changes that they're going to have to make in order to achieve long-term success. At least, not if Kobe has anything to say about it. But what the team needs right now is a little bit of tough love, because it's really starting to look like the Lakers are addicted to losing.
With that in mind, we created How To Fix the Lakers In 12 Easy Steps, based loosely on all the other 12-step programs out there that have helped so many people overcome issues in their lives. Admittedly, the Lakers' issues are not as serious as those issues, but we think a variation of the traditional 12-step program could still be beneficial to the team. And the way we see it, following the 12 steps is the only thing the Lakers can really do right now to salvage their season and, more importantly, their future.
So what do you say, guys? Are you ready to get to work—or do you want to keep pretending that you don't have a problem?
Step 1: Admit that you are powerless over your losing and that you are not going to make the NBA Playoffs this season, no matter how many shots Kobe Bryant takes.
We know the Lakers are bad this season. You know the Lakers are bad this season. But unfortunately, the Lakers don't seem to know that they're bad this season. And while we admire them in a sense for not tanking their season on purpose, we could do without them pretending to be a better team than they are. In the words of Bill Parcells, "You are what your record says you are!" So when Kobe says things like, "We're not a 3-11 team," and really means it, our only reaction is, "Yes, you are. Embrace it." The first step is the hardest step, but it's a step the Lakers need to take if they want to get back to some level of respectability.
Step 2: Come to believe that a power greater than yourselves—the almighty NBA Draft lottery!—can restore you to sanity.
The Lakers aren't going to get better simply by getting the ball to Kobe Bryant more. They're also not going to get better by giving Nick Young a bigger role in the team's offense now that he's returned from injury. And while Earl Clark will be a nice addition to the team—he was averaging almost 30 points per game in the D-League before the Lakers signed him recently—he's not going to turn them from pretender to contender overnight.
The only way the Lakers are going to get better in the coming years is by getting high draft picks and drafting incredibly well. And while that's going to take a little bit of skill on the part of the front office, it's also going to take a little, er, a lot of luck with regards to the draft lottery. You feeling lucky, Lakers?
Step 3: Make a decision to turn the future of your franchise over to the NBA Draft lottery—and pray that your 2015 first-round pick doesn't end up going to the Suns.
The good news for the Lakers right now is that, even though they're trying to win games this season, they're actually tanking in the process. They're losing so many games that, at this point, they're probably going to end up as one of the three or four worst teams in the league. So they should get a top-five draft pick next June. However, the bad news is that their first-round pick is actually scheduled to go to the Suns as part of the 2012 Steve Nash trade unless it lands in the top five. So the Lakers are walking a very fine line right now and, if they end up winning too many games, they could give away a potential superstar in exchange for…well, nothing.
Step 4: Make a searching and fearless inventory of your team—and ignore everything that Kobe Bryant says about it.
Kobe doesn't think that the Lakers are a bad team. But let's be honest: They're a bad team (have we stressed that enough yet?). And even worse than that, they're a team that features almost no young talent. They have rookie Julius Randle, who looks like he's going to be a star in the league one day. But outside of him, they only have two players with less than three years of experience in the league—Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre, both role players—and a handful of more experienced veterans like Wayne Ellington, Jordan Hill, and Wesley Johnson who aren't good enough to build a team around. The Lakers need to get younger—and they need to get younger in a hurry. And all they need to do to figure that out is to give their current roster an honest evaluation.
Step 5: Admit to yourselves, your fans, and reporters the exact nature of your team's shortcomings.
Earlier this season, a reporter asked Jeremy Lin what was wrong with the Lakers after a loss. His answer: "_______." That's right, he couldn't come up with anything. Eventually, he settled on some BS response that involved things like "communication" and "trust." But if the Lakers are being honest with themselves, are those the things that are preventing them from winning games? Communication? Trust? How about "I DUNNO, WE JUST SUCK!"? That probably wouldn't sit very well with Kobe, but instead of pretending like they're confused as to why they're not doing good this season, shouldn't the Lakers just come out and admit that they're not good because—gasp—they're not good? It's better than blabbering on about "communication" and "trust" or saying nothing at all.
Step 6: Be entirely ready to have someone within your organization—is it you, Mitch Kupchak?—remove the defects on your roster.
Prior to the start of the 2014-15 NBA season, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak admitted that the team wasn't going to be very good this year. Welp! Actually, no, he didn't. Instead of being realistic, he took the same stance that Kobe Bryant did and said that the Lakers had their eyes set solely on winning a title. Additionally, he said that Kobe and Steve Nash were as healthy as they'd been in years (OOPS!) and that it was going to help them make some noise in the Western Conference.
"Our expectations are to win a championship," he said. "The expectations outside of this room might not be the same."
Double welp! We appreciate the optimism and the glass-half-full approach to the new season. But championship? This year? And you are the guy who is supposed to handpick the talent for the team moving forward? Kupchak has proven that he can build a winner in the past. Now, he just needs to prove it again by getting rid of guys who aren't going to help the team in the future and finding ways to fix the roster.
Step 7: Humbly ask Adam Silver to remove your flaws by calling the name of a worthwhile NBA Draft selection.
"With the first pick in the 2015 NBA Draft, the Los Angeles Lakers select…" Kentucky center Karl Anthony-Towns? Duke center Jahlil Okafor? Texas center Myles Turner? The first thing the Lakers need to do is put themselves into position to get a top-five pick in the 2015 NBA Draft. But the second thing they need to do is to actually pick a guy who will become the centerpiece of their team for the next 15 years. So every single Lakers fan in the world will be on the edge of their seats when Commissioner Silver says the 14 words above—and holding their breath before the two (or three) words that follow them.
Step 8: Make a list of all the people you have insulted in the past—Shaquille O'Neal? Dwight Howard? Phil Jackson?—and be willing to make amends with all of them.
The Lakers have had a lot of trouble convincing free agents to join their team over the last few years. From LeBron James to Dwight Howard to Carmelo Anthony, they've tried their best and brought in all their reinforcements in an effort to land top talent (they even made a movie narrated by Tobey Maguire when they were recruiting Melo!). But it just hasn't worked out.
Is it because of Kobe Bryant, as some people have suggested? Is it because of where they're at as a team right now as others have guessed? Or is it because the Lakers have burned bridges with a few high-profile players and coaches in recent years and made L.A. look like a toxic place to play?
Step 9: Go out and actually make those amends so that other people aren't afraid of coming to Los Angeles to be a part of the Lakers.
Are the Lakers' fractured relationships with guys like Shaq and Phil Jackson really keeping free agents from signing with them? Eh, probably not. But it definitely feels like the Lakers refuse to go out of their way to keep close ties with former Laker greats (outside of Magic Johnson, though it's worth noting that he sometimes hurts the team more than he helps them). Even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar—THE HIGHEST-SCORING PLAYER IN NBA HISTORY!—doesn't always get a lot of love from the Lakers. We don't know why they refuse to play nice with their former stars at times, but don't you think it would help them land more free agents if they had guys like Kareem shaking hands with them and helping recruit? It almost makes too much sense, so why aren't the Lakers making amends with these superstars and using them to their advantage?
Step 10: Continue to take inventory of the team throughout the next couple of seasons and, when you stink, admit it.
Even if the Lakers do land a top draft pick next season and convince one or two decent free agents to join their team, they're not going to be good. They might be better than they are today and they might—and this is a big might—contend for a playoff spot. But they're more than just one or two good players away from being a championship contender. So the self-evaluation shouldn't stop when the 2014-15 NBA season ends. Instead, it should actually get even more intense as the Lakers decide who they want to keep moving forward and who they can dump in the years to come. This is going to be a process—a long process—that probably isn't going to end for at least two more seasons.
Step 11: Pray that you don't ever end up being anywhere near as bad as the 76ers are right now.
Tough times are definitely in the future for the Lakers. They're going to need to go through a rebuilding process and it will undoubtedly be difficult for them. But hopefully—hopefully!—they don't ever have to go through anything like what the Sixers are going through at the moment (are they ever going to win another game?). Pray that it doesn't happen, Lakers. Pray hard.
Step 12: Have an awakening in three or four years and be good again as a result of the previous 11 steps.
In three or four years, Kobe Bryant probably isn't going to be playing in the NBA anymore. And if he is, we highly doubt he'll be a part of the Lakers organization, given how much losing they're going to be doing if they follow the 11 steps listed before this one. But if the Lakers are patient and if they ride out the Ryan Kelly/Robert Sacre/Wayne Ellington/Pick-any-other-player-besides-Kobe-on-their-roster-right-now years, they should be in pretty decent shape by then. And if they're not? *shrugs* See you back at Step 1. Nobody said this was going to be easy!
