Image via Complex Original
What is Kobe Bryant if not on a team with a winning record? It's sort of depressing to think about, but he's basically just another aging NBA player wasting away on a terrible team while his teammates are teaching their girlfriends how to dunk. Each game he plays, he gets another day older and closer to retirement. But at least he's healthy.
After ESPN published an article revealing things that you should've already guessed about him, Los Angeles opened the season 1-9 under Bryant's slinging and bricking. Now, three wins with Swaggy P later, the Nick Young Effect seems to be hitting the L.A. like the lake effect hit Buffalo. Maybe the Lakers don't need Bryant. Maybe the will to win was inside them all along, and they just needed a lighter mood to bring it out. We're here today to play out a situation in which the Lakers and Kobe finally split ways. Will any of this happen? Probably not. But why not dream? Take a look at these 15 ESPN Trade-Machine-Approved Deals for Kobe Bryant, and imagine a completely different NBA landscape.
Bryant for Sixers' Forwards, Michael Carter-Williams, and a Majority of the Team.
Team(s) involved: Sixers
Key players involved: Jason Richardson, Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Michael Charter-Williams
Wins gained: -2
“Now why you got to do that?” you say as a Sixers fan. “You know we aren't doing well. Why would you suggest we trade damn near the whole team for him?” Well,
1. Your team wasn't winning with a full squad anyway.
2. That certainly frees up your cap space. Not that this was the problem, but it certainly helps.
3. You're spoiled with this trade. Not only you get the greatness of Kobe Bryant back in the Delaware Valley, but there's the fact that Meek Mill is coming home soon, too.
Bryant for Jordan, Redick, and Crawford
Teams involved: Clippers
Key players involved: DeAndre Jordan, J.J. Redick, Jamal Crawford
Wins gained: -3
David Stern unfortunately didn't allow Kobe to play with Chris Paul three years ago, but now might be the chance. Kobe could stay in L.A., separate himself from the Swaggy P Show, and join forces with the best point guard in the game. Considering the Lakers would be getting Jordan (who is shooting an insane 75 percent from the field this year), Redick and slick-shooting Crawford, it's really not a poor deal.
Bryant for Perkins and Ibaka
Team(s) involved: Thunder
Key players involved: Kendrick Perkins, Serge Ibaka
Wins gained: -8
This deal helps the Lakers in the paint in the form of Serge Ibaka and Kendrick Perkins. Bum-ass Kendrick Perkins? Yes, Bum-ass Kendrick Perkins might be a boost. For the Thunder, one word: ratings! Durant, Westbrook, Bryant together? That's not a Big Three. That's a flame emoji.
Bryant and Howard Save the Hell Out of the Sixers
Team(s) involved: Rockets, Sixers
Key players involved: Dwight Howard, Nerlens Noel, Michael Carter-Williams
Wins gained: -8
In which we get the inspiration for the next Disney Channel movie. The next Brink!, if you will.
After watching their friendship get destroyed, two NBA stars must join forces to save a city in desperate need of hope. Join us for a tale of hi-jinks, heartache, and, most of all, the true meaning of determination in the latest Disney Channel film, “You're Soft!” Premiering at 8/7c. Only on Disney Channel.
Bryant and Duncan Come Together in San Antonio
Team(s) involved: Sixers, Spurs
Key players involved: Tiago Splitter, Manu Ginobili, Danny Green
Wins gained: -3
The Spurs would win even more games, according to Hollinger's prediction, if this trade were to happen. But perhaps the best part is that Bryant will no longer have to be jealous of Duncan. He might even learn a few things from the forward, like humility. Duncan might learn a few things from Bryant, too, like never telling him to be humble.
Bryant for Kevin Love and Dion Waiters
Team(s) involved: Cavaliers
Key players involved: Kevin Love
Wins gained: 1
Kevin Love reportedly thought about joining the Lakers a few times. It makes sense, considering he's from L.A. and went to college there. Dion Waiters, though, not so much, but he's a cog in a larger clockwork like the rest of us. Bryant and LeBron James are not cogs. Together, they're ESPN's wet dream and the Eastern Conference's reckoning.
Bryant Joins the Splash Brothers
Team(s) involved: Warriors
Key players involved: Andrew Bogut, Andre Iguodala
Wins gained: -8
In addition to their scoring abilities, the Warriors' Splash Brothers are known for their accuracy. The Warriors are leading the league in field goal percentage, while Steph Curry is top five in points. They could improve that defense a little, but ehh…that's boring. Instead let's push that points per game average to 120 with Bryant's help. That defense might reek and splash city might turn into brick city, but this move would add a little pizzazz, no?
Bryant Returns to Charlotte
Team(s) involved: Hornets
Key players involved: Al Jefferson, Gerald Henderson, Julius Randle
Wins gained: -6
Would Bryant's life be a bit better now had he actually stepped foot onto that court wearing a Charlotte uniform instead of being immediately traded to the Lakers in that 1996 Draft? Probably not, but at least he might have Lance Stephenson's rambunctious spunk at the wing. Bryant will also have time to initiate Randle into the Kobe System with this trade.
Bryant Joins Anthony and Smith
Team(s) involved: Sixers
Key players involved: Jeremy Lin, Amar'e Stoudemire
Wins gained: -9
This is one of those lineups that would work on paper and NBA 2K, but probably not in real life. This is Carmelo Anthony's team, and Kobe Bryant doesn't do well in situations where it's not Kobe Bryant's team. Who knows for sure, though? Maybe Phil Jackson's sage-like magic could help them gel. Hollinger predicts -2 wins. He's a hater; he ain't culture.
Bryant to Nuggets
Team(s) involved: Nuggets
Key players involved: Aaron Afflalo, Timofey Mozgov
Wins gained: -7
In which Nick Young gets a whole bunch of capable players to bless with his swag and the Nuggets nab Bryant and Clarkson. Colorado might not be the best place for Kobe, though....
Bryant for Antetokounmpo, Parker, and Sanders
Team(s) involved: Bucks
Key players involved: Larry Sanders, Jabari Parker
Wins gained: -5
Bryant gets a decent coach in Jason Kidd in addition to dodging the annoyance of learning to pronounce “Antetokounmpo.” Hell, this might put the Bucks in the playoff race.
Bryant Joins the Celtics
Team(s) involved: Celtics
Key players involved: Brandon Bass, Gerald Wallace
Wins gained: -9
Consider this some sort of odd cathartic release for Bryant to play for the team that robbed him of that sixth NBA ring. The Lakers might get relative no-names like Gerald Green and Brandon Bass, but the Nick Young Effect is here. They'll be good money. The Celtics, on the other hand, get Bryant AND Clarkson. Celtics are No. 28 in points allowed, and Clarkson can give them extra help on D. Because he was a D-Fender in the D-League, you see. Or does it not work like that?
Let's Get Tracy McGrady a Ring
Team(s) involved: Warriors, Suns, Spurs
Key players involved: Steph Curry, Goran Dragic, Kawhi Leonard, Tim Duncan
Wins gained: -3
There was a crime committed last June. The Spurs decided to win a championship right after Tracy McGrady retired. Mind you, a year before, the Spurs came within just seconds of winning one before giving the game away and allowing McGrady to walk away without a single field goal in that series and—most unjustifiably—without a ring. Do the right thing and initiate this trade, Spurs. Re-sign Tracy McGrady, and get that man a championship.
Bryant Does Penance in Toronto
Team(s) involved: Raptors
Key players involved: DeMar DeRozan, Terrence Ross
Wins gained: 2
What do bright young stars do when they start to excel in Toronto? Leave. Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady made that very clear, so it seems it's about time for young gunners DeRozan and Ross to dip and set. Kobe and Drake would probably make a great team, especially when discussing how much they love themselves.
Bryant for Paul George and Roy Hibbert
Team(s) involved: Pacers
Key players involved: Paul George, Roy Hibbert
Wins gained: -6
Here's a case of trading in the old with the new. The Lakers really should be looking for pieces for the future at this point, and when George returns, he's going be hitting that golden point in time known as a player's "prime." As far as big men go, Jordan Hill has been doing a decent job this year, but he just doesn't provide the same type of rim protection that Hibbert could provide.