Image via Complex Original
Nothing makes takes your day from bad to worse quite like a visit from the fuzz. As you are (probably) generally a law abiding citizen, the only time you cross paths with Johnny Law is for offenses like speeding, blowing through a stop sign, or having your tail light out. Before you know it, you’re slightly wiser and a few hundred dollars lighter in the wallet.
What can you do to avoid the tyranny of the highway patrolman, besides, you know, following the law? Listen here you wannabe outlaw, today’s your lucky day. We’ve got some tips that are going to help you avoid the long arm of the law when committing the most petty of offenses. If you’ve got a kilo of cocaine in the trunk, we can’t help you there, but we can help you avoid that speeding ticket. This is your Guide to Outsmarting the Police.
RELATED: 10 Things Not To Do When You're Pulled Over
RELATED: 11 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head When You're Pulled Over
Map the Speed Traps
If you travel the same route everyday, you should be able to avoid most speeding tickets just by being observant. The first few times you head to your job, school, or neighborhood strip club, make a mental note where you see police camping out. Also, think like a cop: Where would you sit, if you were fishing for speed demons?
Police are like anyone else, they are creatures of habit. You'll find that cops eat breakfast at the same diner then travel the same path to the same speed traps every day; they have a morning routine, just like you. Sure, they could always switch things up, but you'll be surprised how often you see the same squad cars in the same spots. To get you started, we give you speedtraps.org, a national database of known speed traps in the U.S. and Canada. There are apps on your phone, as well, so you can stay aware in new places. Sometimes, the Internet is a beautiful thing.
Find A Rabbit
If you want to go fast, it is always best to find a driver who wants to go faster. When that mid-life crisis red sports car zips past you doing a hundred miles an hour, you suddenly have a much better chance of getting away with doing eighty. Keep a safe distance from your rabbit, as both of you could get popped if you're re-enacting racing scenes from The Fast and the Furious.
If the speedster is aware of his surroundings, you might notice him hitting the brake suddenly when they catch a Crown Vic tucked to the side of the road. Brake when they brake, and you both might just make it past the vigilant eyes of Johnny Law.
Don't Hang Out in the Left Lane
You're going to reap a mental and physical advantage by confining your speeding to the right lane. If the cop is shooting radar from the other side of the road, they'll likely hit the car in the fast lane. Even if the cop is on your side of the highway, they are more likely to take mercy on you if you're on the right.
If you spend your entire trip in the left lane, you are proving to the fuzz that you don't have much concern for the rules of the road. The idea behind the fast lane is that you pass slower vehicles and then return to the right lane. If you are camping out there, it shows the officer that you had no intention of slowing down. This implies that not only were you speeding when they caught you, but you've been speeding throughout your trip. Needless to say, cops don't look too kindly on that.
Slow Down When Passing Median Cutouts
Median cutouts serve another purpose besides providing an easy turn-around for emergency vehicles. These gaps in the concrete are ideal for cops shooting radar. They can post up behind a bush and zap passing vehicles all day long. This is going to be annoying for those of you who like to set cruise control at fifteen over the limit and race down the interstate, but if you really don't want a ticket, you should cut your speed as you pass one of these. At most, they show up every few miles, so it shouldn't inconvenience you too much.
Don't Drive Like A Dick
Believe it or not, it is possible to drive fast and not drive like an asshole. Tailgating and switching lanes constantly will make you stick out from the pack, placing a big radar target on your bumper. If you drive aggressively enough, you might even tempt another motorist to call a hit in on you (this happens, unfortunately. Is nothing sacred!?). Frankly, if you are enough of a jerk that someone else on the road decides that you need to be stopped, you probably deserved that ticket anyway.
Buy A Radar Detector (Where Legal)
There is a lot of confusion out there as to whether or not radar detectors are legal. Like many things in our great country, the rules governing them are state-specific and confusing. If you live in D.C. or Virginia, the answer is easy: All radar detectors are banned. Laws in California, Florida, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania are a bit more murky. In these states, it is illegal to mount a radar detector on your windshield, but they aren't explicitly banned. The rest of the states have no specific radar laws on the books that we know of.
Our legal department urged us to remind you that "Complex told me it was cool," doesn't necessarily hold up in court, so make sure you do your state-specific research before installing a radar detector. A final piece of advice: If you do get pulled over, cops don't exactly love seeing a radar detector mounted on your dash, legal or not, so proceed with caution.
Be Nondescript
This is going to be hard for you to do if you drive a neon orange Mustang with flame decals or you take your fashion cues from Prince, but if possible, you should keep a low profile. Statistically speaking, sports cars, colorful vehicles, and rides with obvious aftermarket add-ons are more likely to draw tickets. The same goes for you as a person. If you wake up with a need for speed, dress in drab, typical clothing. Once you get pulled over, speak succinctly, clearly, and plainly. You want to do as much as you can to be just another face in the crowd, a face that the officer might have trouble remembering in a court of law.
Ask Questions
Okay, so you got caught. Don't fret, it happens to the best of us. As any shrewd businessman will tell you, everything in life is a negotiation, and this exchange isn't over until you write the check to Uncle Sam. The first thing you can do to help fight the ticket is gather information. The trick is to balance this with avoiding sounding like a jerk. If the officer doesn't like you, you can bet he'll remember you and show up at your court date with a smile on his face.
Do exactly what the officer says and be cooperative as you work through protocol, but before he leaves, ask him if you can chat a bit about the violation. Asking some relevant questions like, "Was your radar gun calibrated?" and "Were you moving when you clocked my speed?" might get you off with a warning. Again, be careful. If he did cross his T's and dot his I's and he's already dealt with enough bullshit today, he is going to remember you, and make sure that you feel his wrath. If you think you're charming enough or attractive enough, give it a shot.
Keep Contact and Put Off that Court Date
Law student Stewart Rutledge has some surprising step-by-step advice for a part of the citation process we don't usually consider: The time between getting your ticket and your court date. Rutledge claims to have beaten several dozen speeding tickets in his life, and his methods don't really take that much effort.
He recommends you follow up your citation by calling the officer at work. He meets with the cop if possible and pleads his case well before his day in court. If that doesn't work, he writes a letter to the officer "professionally, succinctly" telling his side of the story. He then goes on to call and write the judge and the prosecutor involved in the case. His goal here is to "make the ticket a bigger deal to you than to him." While Rutledge contacts the relevant civil servants, he develops a relationship with the court clerk and seeks continuances (delays of his court date). His reasoning: "The farther you are out of the officer's memory, the better. I have heard of one case that was continued so long that the ticketing officer had transferred ... case dismissed automatically."
Plead "Not Guilty" and Show Up For Your Court Date
"Not guilty, your honor." If you absolutely cannot afford more points on your license or you just want to beat the ticket outright, these are the words you'll want to use. Most courts process a lot of moving violations, so oftentimes a judge will offer to knock down the penalty, either in terms of points or fines, if you just plead "guilty," and be done with it. If this works for you, just give up and live to speed another day. There are other plea options besides "not guilty," in some areas, but we recommend chatting with a lawyer before you pull any fancy moves. Generally speaking, if you're fighting that fine, "not guilty" is your plea.
After you're assigned your court date, all you have to do is show up. If the officer isn't able to make it because he doesn't care as much as you do or he has actual police stuff to do, you'll get out of the ticket. If the officer shows up for your day in court, remember that this is a trial and you have the right to present evidence. If you're going to try this, do yourself a favor and think it through beforehand so you don't sound like a complete idiot. If you're found guilty after all of that, you've come to end of the road, but at least you can be satisfied that you put a tremendous amount of effort into saving yourself a couple hundred bucks.