Image via Complex Original
Today marks the end of the 2013-14 NBA regular season. Nearly six months after tipoff, fans of 16 lucky teams are rejoicing because they'll be able to watch their squads ball out for a bit longer (we see you, Bobcats!) while the rest of us are looking like this. With each team having spent 82 games battling it out, it's time to recognize the individuals who made watching this season worthwhile.
No, we don't mean predictable shit like the MVP award that Kevin Durant will win next month. Sorry, LeBron stans. We're talking about the important accolades like The Fail King of the Year, Mr. Thirsty, the Poster Child. So, if you're interested in finding out which baller broke the most ankles or who gave out the more facials than porn stars, check out The Complex Sports 2014 NBA Awards.
RELATED: The 2014 Complex All-NBA Team
Class Clown 2014
And the winner is...: Swaggy P
While the Lakers were in the midst of their worst season since moving to L.A., Swaggy P was living the dream. Nick Young was the sole reason for anyone to watch the Lake No Show this season. His antics like going for 360 layups he had no chance of making, premature celebrations, saying Rihanna was calling his name from courtside, rocking the Supreme Foamposites on court, and throwing 'bows with the Suns kept the Lakers in the headlines for things other than their ridiculous losing streaks.
And let's not forget his biggest accomplishment of all: He bagged Iggy Azalea via Woman Crush Wednesday. Yes, that #wcw shit you see on your timeline on Hump Day. #lifeaintfair
Ice Grill of the Year
And the winner is...: Lance Stephenson
We wouldn't be so bold as to say this stare down propelled the Pacers to solidify the No. 1 spot in the East, but hell if it didn't fire up Lance Stephenson and all of Bankers Life Fieldhouse on March 26. Born Ready had already received a technical earlier in the game after a shoving match with D. Wade, which followed a brief scuffle with Mario Chalmers, and this mean mug got the Pacers x-factor his second T and an early shower. The Pacers, buoyed by Stephenson's "act like you know me" taunt, would go on to beat the Heat 84-83, and will go into the playoffs as top dog in the East.
The Ice Grill of the Year has to be, okay really should be, one of the most coveted end of season NBA awards. It's an acknowledgment of one's fearlessness in the face of adversity, ability to fire up his team, and overall I don't give two fuck's attitude.
This year, best in show didn't rear it's head until late, but there is no doubt that Lance Stephenson is your winner.
The "Dis Ain't What You Want" GIF of the Year
And the winner is...: Tyler Hansbrough and Metta World Peace
Watching someone find out they're not about that life will always be a great scene. Seriously, look at this. You can literally see Hansbrough's eyes go from "Let's get it" to "Please don't murk me, brah" in less than a second. It's like waking up to your mother telling you she made pancakes, but when you get to the kitchen, you see Metta World Peace sitting down with a just-finished plate ready to punch you in the face. It's not just the obvious "Oh shit, it's World Peace. Let me chill" reaction Hansbrough gets. It's how Hansbrough gives his fragile apology when World Peace just wordlessly grills him.
It's like he gets caught wearing Jordans and a stranger presses him when he foolishly tells him his shoe size. He's trying to verbally wiggle his way out of the situation, but deep down, he already knows what time it is. The difference is that he knows what time it would be if he acted up against World Peace. You don't want it with Queensbridge.
The Poster Child
And the winner is...: Ben McLemore
There are a lot of ways to get welcomed into the league. You could do it with a nine-steal opening night in a win over the defending champs like Michael Carter-Williams. You could do it by developing stellar defense while entertaining crowds with crazy dunks like Victor Oladipo. Or, you could be on the receiving end of one of those dunks, from the biggest name in the league. Sacramento King Ben McLemore is the latter. He now unfortunately knows what it's like to get slapped in the face by LeBron's junk at 15 MPH in front of millions of people.
While he won't be going home with the Rookie of the Year, he does get our postseason award. It's a little less prestigious, but still better than nothing.
Mr. Thirsty
And the winner is...: Paul George
Not everyone can handle being a superstar. Paul George is in middle America just begging for attention. He's been caught out there a couple times already and tries a little to hard when it comes to fashion. George was caught in a scandal with a Miami stripper while dating Doc Rivers' daughter (who is a dime, BTW) and sent noodz to a man who then posted it on his Tumblr. Paul needs to take a couple classes on how to be star. Or maybe just walk around with a gallon of water.
Dunker of the Year
And the winner is...: Terrence Ross
Prior to the start of the 2013-14 NBA season, we already knew that the Raptors guard could dunk and dunk very, very, very well. He was crowned the NBA Slam Dunk Contest champion in 2013 and YouTube is filled with all kinds of crazy dunks from him. But if you're going to claim to be one of the best dunkers in the league, then you need a signature dunk during a game. And Ross got that dunk during a January game against the Nuggets when he picked up a loose ball, drove the length of the court, and showed absolutely no fear as he skied over Kenneth Faried.
It was a thing of beauty and took Ross' reputation as a slam dunker to another level. Literally.
The F*ck Were You Thinking?
And the winner is...: Larry Sanders
If you're looking for a good way to make your team regret signing you to a contract extension before it even kicks in, just study the 2013-14 performance of Milwaukee's Larry Sanders. After signing Sanders to a four-year, $44 million extension last summer, the Bucks saw the center injure himself in a night club fight, complain about his lack of playing time under a new coach, get cited for animal cruelty, get into a public squabble with a teammate, and most recently openly advocate recreational marijuana use. All this from a guy who managed to play in all of 23 games this season and averaged just 7.7 points, 7.2 rebounds, and 1.7 blocks per night.
We're guessing this is not quite the return on investment the Bucks had been hoping for.
White Player of the Year
And the winner is...: Goran Dragic
In our humble opinion, the field wasn't even close. The departure of Steve Nash from Phoenix (one of the greatest white point guards to touch a basketball), left some big white shoes to fill. We called...and from Ljubljana, Slovenia...'The Dragon' answered. Goran Dragic's game is smoother than his glorious, alabaster skin. The Phoenix Suns were expected to be one of the worst NBA teams this season. Even though they're slated at the 9th seed in the West (and will consequently be missing the playoffs), their 47-34 record would give them the 5th seed in the East (damn). All spearheaded behind Dragic's 20.3 PPG and 5.9 APG.
For a predicted destitute season, Goran Dragic came out of nowhere and gave this franchise something they had been missing for a long time: pride. At the end of the day, Goran Dragic isn't just 'The White Player of The Year. 'He's just a damn good player.
The Dragon shall breathe his fire again. We salute you, Goran Dragic.
Mr. Ankle-Breaker
And the winner is...: Ty Lawson
Ty Lawson obliterated not one, not two, but three pairs of ankles...in just the second half of the season! Lawson's latest work, though, was his piéce de résistance. With only the use of a stutter step, Ty was able to pull the chair from under Nick Calathes and send him crashing onto the hardwood. That's the type of embarrassment which will assuredly take an inch or two of sod off Calathes' struggle scalp.
The Fail King
And the winner is...: Andrea Bargnani
What, you thought the Knicks were gonna get off easy here? Like Complex Sports, one of the leading websites in chronicling the Knicks' abysmal season, wasn't going to speak on the steaming pile of dung corroding MSG's $980 renovation. The Fail King award could've gone to any number of Knicks: J.R. Smith for getting paid and immediately sucking; Raymond Felton for playing like the East's worst point guard; Mike Woodson for not having a Plan B and legitimately getting out-coached by crosstown rival Jason Kidd. Everyone in that organization is to blame, but only Andrea Bargnani blessed us with this GIF.
Bargs tore a ligament in his elbow on this attempt to become Basketball Moses, and hasn't played since. We named him our Fail King back in February, and for lack of a better candidate (Larry Sanders really tried us), Andrea is our back-to-back King, no Joffrey.
He's due to make $12 million next season, whether Phil Jackson likes it or not. Avete divertire con Bargnani, Knicks. Ciao, Melo!
King of Flop
And the winner is...: James Harden
Flopping in the NBA has steadily become a larger and larger problem over recent seasons, with the league going so far as to discourage the act by penalizing offenders with a technical foul. This practice started last season, but as you'll see from this performance by James Harden, it has hardly been effective. But, honestly, it's difficult to get mad at Harden for this move. The flop is so earnest and pained and passionately executed. Look at his willingness to hit the deck! If Leo had given us that sort of committment during The Wolf of Wall Street, maybe he'd be the one with the Oscar and not McConaughey.
Unfortunately, we have no golden statues to pass out to Harden, but he certainly earns a well-deserved pat on the back. Or would that be considered a charge?