12 Resolutions for the Modern Day Sports Fan

Happy New Year, fans. From Madison Bumgarner’s World Series domination to UCONN’s NCAA sweep, 2014 was a year to remember in the sports world. But while there was plenty to celebrate on the field, there were plenty of moments off the field that made us cringe. For once we’re not talking about player arrests and domestic violence cases. We’re talking about fan behavior.

Illicit fan behavior obviously wasn’t exclusive to 2014, but with social media’s impact on sports at a level never reached before, and more fan fight videos surfacing on YouTube than we care to have time to watch, it certainly appears that last year, at least in part, was overshadowed by extremely poor sports fan conduct.

It’s not just the stadium fights and twitter rants that have us shaking our heads, it’s the very real concern that some fans are having a difficult time turning off the game and checking in with the other aspects of their lives. Well, we’re here to help. Now that we’re one week into 2015 and the New Year’s Eve hangover is finally gone, check out these 12 Resolutions for the Modern Day Sports Fan.

Look, we all understand that athletes make ridiculous sums of money and don't always perform like we'd like. We’re looking at you, Jay Cutler. And we also understand that for some, your fandom is what defines you as not only a supporter of your team, but as resident of your city. However, that doesn’t mean that every time your quarterback makes a bad read/decision and turns it over, you need to turn from the television screen to your computer or phone and start dismantling the dude—and in some cases his girlfriend/wife and family—on his profile page. Chill out, fam.

It’s one thing to throw away the game in the fourth quarter with an inexcusable interception. We get that, and we’re right there with you. But if your quarterback throws a pick on the second drive of the game, maybe wait a few hours before you start telling Matt Schaub and Tommy Rees that they’re an embarrassment to the human race.

For some fans, discovering the RedZone channel was akin to Columbus’ discovery of America. On Sundays during the NFL regular season, it’s eight plus hours of non-stop football. No commercials, no halftime. Seriously, it’s a wonder more folks don’t piss their pants in lieu of getting up from the couch.

In the same vein, fantasy football has gone from a game to a goddamn obsession. We’re talking $2 billion spent in leagues in 2014. Ya, we said billion. Realistically, come the midway point of the season, plenty of fantasy football participants are more interested in their fantasy team than they are the actual NFL team they support. Sorry, Titans, Bucs, Jags, and Raiders fans.

In short, RedZone + fantasy football = four months of your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband dreading Sunday like it’s a weekly trip to the DMV followed by a few hours in the dentist’s chair. We know it’s tough, but in 2015, let’s maybe try and limit the RedZone watching to just half of the games? Also, let’s work on keeping the fantasy football talk out of the bedroom.

Public urination is not exclusive to the thirsty sports fan walking around the East Village on a Saturday night, and we guarantee you’re going to see a stream or two this year regardless. But with that said, sporting events seem to bring out a host of public urinators. Nobody pisses outside quite like sports fans. What is it about a sporting event that makes someone forgo a short trip to the port-o-potty to create a yellow river between two SUVs?

This dude pictured above is clearly distraught about ‘Bama going down to Ohio State, but that’s no excuse for whatever is happening here. Pull yourself together, man, and find the restroom. Just because your team lost a football game doesn’t mean you have the license to simultaneously piss and cry. Just takes a little effort.

Being an ardent sports fan is a full-time job. For the most part, at least one of your teams is always competing, and that competition is usually on a weeknight or during the day on the weekend. In today’s working world, the nine-to-five is becoming increasingly extinct, and this has to effect the proportion of time you spend watching sports. There’s no way around it.

We get that your NFL team only plays 16 times in the regular season, and you want to watch every game. Watch away. We wouldn’t deprive you those three and a half hours of joy, or absolute heartbreak depending on who you support. But this year, maybe you could tackle that important work project on Wednesday night, instead of watching (and drinking while) the Knicks take on the Bulls. There are 82 games in the regular season, it’ll be okay if you miss a few.

Is anyone else as sick of these demented fans burning their former-favorite player’s jersey as we are? Of course it’s not enough to just burn Eli’s jersey, you need to have a friend or family member record said bonfire and then upload the video to YouTube.

Who’s the real loser here? You spent just south of $200 on a shirt that you can wear a handful of times a year, and after a few lousy games you then torched said jersey for the camera. You think this makes you a bigger fan because it shows how passionate you are? This new ritual makes you look like a fair-weather idiot. Seriously, all those who have burned or are thinking about burning in the future, stop it! Eli Manning is a two-time Super Bowl MVP, Colin Kaepernick is a former NFC champion, and you are a short-sighted fool.

Just hear us out on this one. We love feeding our hunger for sports watching as much as the next fan, but in 2015 it's smart to have limits. Between the plethora of sports channels offered by your cable provider and the availability to watch games online, the modern sports fan can just as easily watch Akron take on Western Michigan—no disrespect, Zips fans—as they can tune in for the Warriors hosting the Thunder.

Moderation is the key here, fans. March Madness is awesome, no one can deny that, but maybe you don’t need to sit in a bar for hours on end during the opening rounds. And you definitely shouldn’t subject your significant other to that type of fan fuckery. We know you have a bracket and want to win, but scores are readily available on your phone. There’s no need to get into a fight at Finnegan’s over the North Dakota State game. You’re not really a Bison fan and have never even been to North Dakota. Just remember that.

Also, this just in, east-coasters: staying up for the 10:30 p.m. NBA tip is actually optional! There really is no excuse for being late, red-eyed, and irritable at work on Thursday morning because you stayed up ‘till 1 a.m. to catch Steph Curry and Klay Thompson dismantle the Timberwolves. Get some sleep, keep your eyeballs healthy, and remember, the sports year is a marathon, not a sprint.

Excessive tailgating at NFL games has become something of an epidemic over the last few years. Since when is it okay to abandon all sense of right and wrong in the parking lot, stands, and rest room of an NFL stadium? If I can’t go to the bathroom at a game for fear of being bludgeoned in the back of the head, well, I think I can find something better to do for $300 on a Sunday.

This problem is not exclusive to men, either, as there have been plenty of female fisticuffs at tailgates. Fans attack fans of other teams, fans attack fans of the same team, none of it makes sense, and going to an NFL game is becoming more dangerous every year. Great rivalries are made in part by fans of rival teams, they are not made by someone ending up a bloody unconscious mess. Just listen to the news report above. Two people were shot? One in the face? Get a grip, people.

It’s 2015, guys. It’s time to stop assuming women either aren’t interested or know very little about sports. Yes, some do fall into that category. But guess what: so do some guys. Take a look around, folks. There are women working in sports all over the world and many female fans who are just as willing to freeze their butts off at Lambeau in December as their male counterparts.

Hey, bro, she’s not into sports because of a guy in her life, she’s into sports for the same reason you are. She supports a team that represents the city she currently lives in or where she was raised. We know, it’s a wild concept that may take a while to sink in. To hell with the patronizing pink jerseys and macho bravados, in 2015, maybe a fan can just be a fan.

There’s no way around it, sports and social media will forever be a part of one another. Teams and players use it, sponsors use it, and of course, we, the fans, use it. If you watched this past week’s college football playoff semis, and you’re on Twitter, then you know that those games absolutely dominated everyone’s timeline. In particular, the internet was especially cruel to one Jameis Winston. Retweeting players clowning other players is great, curse-laden rants on your public profile are most definitely not.

We all know that employers can and do take a look at your social media accounts, so why on earth would you risk your livelihood just to let your 89 followers know that you’re upset with your team for blowing it in overtime? You know they suck, we know they suck, so there's really no reason to put yourself out there like that. New rule in 2015: If you’re watching your team while having a choice beverage or six, give your phone to someone you trust and make them promise not to let you tweet under any circumstances. It’s too easy to hit the tweet button, so you have to police yourself.

While every sports fan owns at least a few pieces of merchandise for their favorite team, some junkies take it to the next level by buying a new jersey every season. In particular, this holds true for the sport of soccer. Every year, teams come out with a new kit design. And it’s not just one kit, it’s a home kit, away kit, third kit, and for some teams there’s even a fourth option.

At about $80-$90 a shirt—without a player name on the back—if you’re one of these shirt buying fanatics, you’re looking at spending roughly $350 a year on jerseys. Cut that shit out, guys. There aren’t enough days in the year or acceptable social occasions for you to wear all of these jerseys. This year, buy maybe one jersey, and use some of that saved money on a nice gift for your mom. Maybe the good karma will help your club win.

This has been going on for quite a while, but maybe in 2015 we can put a real dent into the amount of fans who think they’re part of the roster. Referring to your team as “we” is where it all starts, really. Since you think you’re a part of the team, you obviously have the right to act belligerently after you lose the big game. You don’t need to talk to your friends and family for a week after getting knocked out of the playoffs, right?

Wrong. Newsflash: You’re a fan. You’re not employed by your favorite team, you don’t play second base for the team, and you most definitely aren’t bringing the ball up in the fourth quarter. Take a step back, and realize that no matter how much you love your teams, they’re separate from you. Boundaries, Ari. Boundaries. You don’t get a ring if they win it all, and you don’t get relegated with them if they finish in the bottom three. "We" didn't lose the Super Bowl, the Broncos did.

If you see a dude get a girl’s number at the bar and do the Manziel money sign afterwards, immediately walk up to this idiot and dump your beer on his head (take the number first, of course). You’re not Johnny Football, and no matter how many times you put your hands up in the air, you never will be. While we’re at it, please don’t flex and kiss your bicep after you crush a client meeting at work. Colin Kaepernick just scored a 30-yard touchdown, you just made a solid PowerPoint presentation. Both are good, but only one gets a celebration dance.

And the next dude who makes one catch on the playground and does Odell Beckham Jr.’s dance, or salsas like Victor Cruz, is getting a trash can thrown at their head. Also, if you go 2-15 at the rec league, please don’t act like your hands are six shooters. They’re probably not even water pistols. These guys are playing at the highest competitive level of their respective sport; you just hit a jumper over Fred from IT.

Let’s make 2015 the year of the fan for all the right reasons.

Sincerely,

All fellow sports fans and every other human being on the planet.