Image via Complex Original
I’ve been in this game for years, it made me an animal/
There’s rules to this s***, I wrote me a manual/
In 1997, Biggie penned a classic about navigating the crack game. And while the world of sports gambling—the one that’s a flourishing underground business reportedly worth billions each year in the U.S.—isn’t nearly as dangerous as running weight like the G.O.A.T.’s former hustle, it does have its own set of rules the late Christopher Wallace probably would appreciate.
So with a respectful nod to the Notorious B.I.G. and his lyrical brilliance, we’ve penned our own set of commandments to follow if you’re looking to start throwing your dollars down with the NBA season fast approaching and the NFL nearly half way through its campaign. No guarantees that if you follow these rules you’ll make mad bread to break up, but at the very least we’ll help you get your game on track, not your wig pushed back.
Illustrations by Adam Easterling (@adameast).
The cheddar breeds jealousy.
When you win, yeah, you can brag and boast. You won money—you blowin’ up, that’s good, fantastic. But don’t pull a Floyd Mayweather and only post your winning wagers on SnapChat. Because for every winner I guarantee there’s a bunch of losers. Floyd may be undefeated in the ring as a professional, but he’s taken plenty of Ls as an amateur gambler. He just chooses not to acknowledge them.
Keep your family and business completely separated.
If you’re new to this and think you’re about to embark on an easy, effective, long-term money making strategy then wow are you in for a rude awakening.
You can watch more ESPN than Lil Wayne and cram for a playoff game like it’s a midterm, but good luck predicting a crippling LeBron James missed layup or a phantom penalty that deads a game-winning drive you desperately need to cover the spread. Yes, there are professional gamblers who create massive power rankings and have complicated algorithms to allow them to (for the most part) beat the books in Vegas, but if you’re an amateur you’re probably going to lose more than you win. So until you get some valuable experience under your belt, know your limits, don’t exceed them, and always pay you debts. Because the last thing you need is some brute knocking on your door and invading your personal space.
Also be careful placing action with a family member or friend because a few too many wins or a few too many late payments will cause resentment real quick.
Never trust nobody.
Most especially your squad. Blindly betting on your favorite team each game isn’t just an amateur move, it’s for losers.
For starters, nothing will make you hate the team you’ve rooted for your entire life like losing copious amounts of money on them. Plus, if you’re a legit fan, and not one of those annoying glass half-full individuals, then you know when your team’s about to catch an L. So take advantage of that. Some might call it sacrilegious throwing down on the other team, but sometimes it’s just a smart business decision. You can wipe away those tears of shame with your Washingtons, Jacksons, and Franklins.
Know the lingo.
You want to be taken seriously? Know the difference between the spread, money line, and total. Know what a teaser is and whether you’re going to take the points or lay ‘em. You can be an amateur but still sound like a pro.
It’s all about value.
Your job as a gambler, with the intent of making as much money as possible or at least limiting your losses, is to exploit bad lines posted by the book and pound that wager for as much as you can stomach. So when the lines for next week’s NFL games come out on Monday and you see a spread that looks really enticing, pounce on it now because chances are by kickoff that number’s going to change. And you’re going to hate yourself if you lose by a half a point because you didn’t lock in the game you loved.
Dig for dogs.
The public will almost always back the favorite and the public is wrong way more than they're right. That’s why the house always cleans up. Force yourself to go the other way and take the points or the underdog on the money line. Take it from your highness—there are prime times in every sports season when it behooves you to take the dog. November in the NFL. February in college basketball. March in the NBA. August in MLB. Thursday night home dogs in college football.
Betting on college games is more fun, and probably more lucrative.
The quality of play will never equal what you see in the NFL or NBA, but the crazy matchups, dramatically different styles of play, the huge differences in talent level, and the importance of home field advantage make the college game a slightly more challenging yet wholly more enjoyable endeavor than betting on the pros. It’s potentially more lucrative, too, because books aren’t scrutinizing the lines of some of the lower profile games around the country the way they do with the action that’s going to generate the most business (the NFL, most especially). So if you’re a WCC basketball expert, chances are you’ll find more lines you can easily exploit than you would scanning Week 7’s slate of games in the NFL.
Hedging is incredibly lame.
It’s the biggest copout. Stick to your guns.
There’s nothing sadder than hearing about some guy who is on the verge of cashing in on a huge future—you know what that is, right?—but also throws down on the other side just to cover his bet. Why don’t you snip off your balls while you’re at it?
Subscribing to a handicapping service is for suckers.
Tempted to pay some expert handicapper to pick winners so you can get your bankroll right? That’s strictly for freshmen. Those guys are experts at picking winners the way Derrick Rose is an expert in SAT vocabulary. They’re mostly frauds and basically no better at picking a winner than you. Save your money.
Laugh off the bad beats.
Because it’s the only thing that will keep you from crying. There are times when the game seems unfair and rigged. Know when to walk away, accept your losses, and live to play another day because if you’re in it for the long haul then one bad game, one bad afternoon—no matter how psychologically damaging—shouldn’t put you in a hole you’ll never be able to climb out of. Be disciplined, be diligent, and never forget that it’s entertainment. And one day it will be completely legal (just like the rigged piece of trash commonly known as daily fantasy sports) and no longer shunned by the nation’s sad sack of lawmakers who hypocritically deride it yet still allow the predatory lottery to exist.
Follow these rules, you'll have mad bread to break up.