What to Never Say in a Conversation About Sneakers

Don't fake the funk.

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If you're new to sneakers and you don't really have that much concrete knowledge yet, there are some things you should never do. Most people are into sneakers, but might not feel comfortable actually holding a conversation with friends or strangers who seem like experts. If this is the case, don't try and fake the funk.

This handy guide will help you blend in by teaching you what not to do. It can go without saying: Don't try too hard. But when talking to sneakerheads, it's trickier than that.

You might think you're saying the right things, meanwhile you're totally screwing up what little cred you have. Here's What to Never Do in a Conversation About Sneakers.

Only talk about the most recent celeb signing.

Everyone has an opinion on Drake's Jordan collab, Kanye's switch to adidas, Pharrell's adidas deal, and the list goes on, and on. These, however, aren't the only things that sneakerheads care about. If you are only fascinated with rapper sneaker deals and not the rest of the culture, it's easy for people to label you as a bandwagon jumper.

Co-sign everything.

There are a lot of great things in sneaker culture. There are also a lot of lame things. Saying everything is dope makes you look like a sucker. On the flipside, don't automatically say you hate everything either. Moderation in all things, grasshopper.

How much you paid for your sneakers.

Missed out on a release date and had to pay out the wazoo? Nothing wrong with that if you really wanted a pair. Just don't tell anybody about it. Just as in everything, it's crass to brag about how much you paid for a product. Sneakers are no different.

Talking about farming when someone mentions seeding.

As much as seeding sucks, these people are sneakerheads, not Johnny Appleseed. If you think they're planting actual seeds, you're just as confused as the brand that's sending them sneakers for their "influence."

Admit you don't know how an RSVP system works.

It's actually quite easy, Nike sends out a tweet, you reply with a direct message as quick as you can. They instantly hit you back if you win. Really, it's quite seamless. If you're complaining about not getting Jordans and don't know what an RSVP is, you'll just look like someone who is out of touch with sneaker culture or never up on it in the first place. Don't look like you came out of a time capsule or fresh from the womb.

Say the only Jordans that matter are...

The I, III, IV, V, VI, XI, and XII. Sure, those are great models, and some of Jordan's best silhouettes. But if you hate on the Jordan II, Russ Bengtson will son you on the next episode of Quickstrike—maybe.

Try and play Devil's Advocate.

For the most part, sneakerheads are very, very opinionated and like to argue. They do this because they want to prove how much they know (a bunch of dicks, right?). However, as tempting as it might seem, don't take an opposing viewpoint just to get a rise out of someone—especially if you don't know a thing about what they're discussing. You will get ethered with the quickness.

Drop names of well-known sneakerheads just to impress people.

When someone is new to a culture, they want to say something that will give them access to a conversation: They often do this by naming something or someone that everyone already knows. You wouldn't go up to a group of skaters and talk about Tony Hawk, so don't go up to a bunch of sneakerheads and ask him, "Hey, have you ever seen Wale's Instagram?" You will out yourself as a sneaker newbie in an instant.

Assume that everyone only wears Air Jordans or Nikes.

Jordan and Nikes are important to the sneaker game, but as they continue to rise in popularity more and more sneakerheads are shying away from the brands. Don't be the idiot who assumes that these are the only two brands that sneakerheads wear. If you clown someone for wearing ASICS or not picking up a new Jordan release, you'll prove how little you know about sneaker culture. Not everyone prays to the throne of Jordan, as crazy as that might seem.

Be a total hypebeast.

If you show up to a sneaker store wearing Foamposites, a Supreme hat, and discussing how much you paid for a pair of Air Jordan Vs—alert, you might be a hypebeast. Don't be that guy. Any "real" sneakerhead will disown you, give you the palm face, and then blast your lameness on social media. Your image might even show up on NikeTalk, forever leaving you in Internet shame.