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Valentine's Day is almost here, and you're almost ready. All you're missing is the dinner reservation, the fairy that will magically erase a year's worth of neglect, and most importantly, her gift.
Unfortunately, presents leave a lot of room for miscommunication. Even if you intend to show her how smitten you are, what's beneath the wrapping paper can trigger disappointment. Or, perhaps you're on the other side of the fence: She's a fling you're taking out solely to score that prix-fixe deal, and suddenly she's seeing your future in bright lights.
Luckily, Complex is here to get you through this confusing time. We've gathered the most common Valentine's Day gifts, and broken down what she'll surmise of each. Will your "Ultimate D'Angelo" mix lay it on a little too thick? Is it worth it to drop dough on a dozen roses?
We cover it all here: Your Valentine's Day Gift, Decoded.
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Bodega Flowers
What it communicates: I'm looking for a creative way to break up with you.
Some people say that different colors of roses represent different emotions, but those are the same people who choose their significant other based on their star sign. An uneven balance between Scorpio and Sagittarius? FOH with that.
What you should know is this: Buying a bunch of wilted flowers from the corner store as you sprint to her apartment will not play out well. We understand roses are ridiculously overpriced, so it's acceptable (and even encouraged) to choose an offbeat bloom. But if you want to look like you've made an effort, that bouquet better be purchased from a florist.
Lingerie
What it communicates: Cue R. Kelly's "Bump and Grind"
Even your 90-year-old grandmother knows what it means when you buy a woman lingerie: sex, or as Nana Jo might call it, an intimate evening. Rather than trying to hide your intentions, you've choose to elaborate on them.
Different types of lingerie invite different interpretations. Black panties and a lacy bra are the most elegant route, while fishnets and a leather bustier are a subtle invitation to your "special closet" with all the "toys."
When browsing for lingerie, it's important to consider her style. If her regular attire consists of white panties with peonies and butterflies, you might want to reconsider the leather corset and check her ID. If she's already worn a French maid outfit for you, you'll need to get more creative; think Kiki De Montparnasse, or a local specialty shop.
Tech Toys
What it communicates: I want to have boring sex with you for the rest of our lives.
There are only three possible reasons for buying this gift. One, you're married. Two, you've been dating for so long that everyone thinks you're married. Or, three, you work at Google. While technology is useful (revelation of the year!), it's not a sexy or playful gift—unless it's of the sleek, elongated, and vibrating variety.
If you're getting her an iPad, yes, you're saying that you want her life to be simpler and more efficient. But, as a romantic gesture, it's lacking. It may be acceptable when you share a bed, a bank account, or a life insurance plan, but not so much when you're still figuring out how she takes her coffee.
A Pricey Bottle of Wine
What it communicates: I'm on the fence about you.
If you're looking to be as indirect as possible, this is what you bring her. What does a bottle of $50 Bourdeaux really tell her? That you know how to navigate a wine shop? That you want to sleep with her, and decided that getting her drunk on red wine would be the easiest route? Maybe it just means you really like red wine.
A sommelier might be able to decipher what your choice of drink says about you right down to the brand and color of your briefs (Calvin Klein, black). But to the untrained eye, this gift actually says very little. So, if you've only been out once or twice, and think her eyes are pretty, but don't know the name of her cat, go with the Bordeaux. Or Malbec. Or Pinot Noir. Chances are, you don't know the difference anyway.
A Cooking Class
What it communicates: You hate her cooking and/or are a mysoginist.
Tread carefully with this one. If you buy the class just for her, you're walking on shaky ground. If she's not passionate about whipping up souffles and making a proper Hollandaise, she may wonder if you're insinuating something about her cooking. Even worse, she might take it as a misogynistic gesture that implies she should be permanently barefoot and in the kitchen.
The best way to avoid this is to purchase a class you can take together. The implied meaning will be that you're eager to spend time with her outside of a bar and/or bedroom, and that you're interested in learning to cook for her. Which is great, because whipping up Annie's Mac and Cheese is not the formula for romance.
Chocolate
What it communicates: I am uncreative and/or think you have a sweet tooth.
This classic gift sends a relatively neutral message. Yes, she will know you thought of her, but she won't know in what way, or if she was the only lady on your to-do list.
The brand you choose makes a world of difference. Opt for Russell Stover or a Hershey's bar, and she'll assume you picked it up at a 24-hour pharmacy on your way to her apartment. Even if you're not serious about her, if you're seeing her on February 14, the least you can do is give her something that tastes good. No, your penis doesn't count. Spring for an elaborately-wrapped box of chocolate covered strawberries at Godiva, or a custom box of truffles at a boutique like Jacques Torres.
A Scarf, Gloves, or a Hat
What it communicates: The thought of seeing you naked makes me queasy.
If there's any Valentine's Day gift that signals "let's be friends," it's a set of winter accessories. Even if those gloves are luxurious cashmere or supple leather, they're still reminiscent of something your mom would force-purchase for your high school girlfriend.
They're cuddly, warm, and way too boring to get you laid. In fact, they seem to imply you want to start hanging out fully-clothed from now on, preferably in large groups. Go ahead and buy a vanilla Yankee candle to pair with them—then she'll really get your point. Yawn.
Fitness Classes or a Gym Membership
What it communicates: You need to eat less pizza.
Similar to purchasing a cooking class, the repercussions of buying a fitness class or gym membership can be disastrous. We know you purchased that gift card to Soul Cycle with good intentions, but even the most secure woman might wonder if she should take your purchase as a hint.
Do you understand her passion for the raw energy of a group of sweaty bodies pumping away to trap music, or are you just upset with her muffin top?
For a fitness-freak or a marathon-addict, this may be an ideal gift. She'll be pumped to try a new workout and appreciate your thoughtfulness. But if she's never stepped into a gym in her life, expect her to go Alex Forrest on you. We wouldn't blame her.
A Diamond
What it communicates: Diamonds are forever, duh.
Unless you have Diddy money, the fact that you're willing to spend a few thousand dollars on this woman says that, at the very least, you doubt she'll be single and pawning your necklace off in some shady corner of Atlantic City next month.
A financial investment this large, particularly if you haven't made similar gestures in the past, also signals a deeper emotional investment, which she may view as a serious step towards marriage.
It could also mean that you've recently fucked up, and are hoping to buy win her affections back. A big ole' sparkly won't fix every situation, but (real talk) it will fix most.
A Trip
What it communicates: I am OK with seeing you for seven days straight.
Depending on the destination and the hotel, a sexy getaway could compete with diamonds for the top spot on her wish list. A trip means you really care about this woman. Or that you want to get laid for a week straight while sipping piña coladas.
In truth, this gift does require a measure of commitment. The two of you will be trapped in one room, possibly on one island or mountain, for more than 24 hours. If she's not on the same level you are, she may flat out reject this gift. If she's down, however, be prepared. Traveling together is a turning point for most relationships. Will it end in laughter, wild sex, or tears? No one knows.
Jewelry
What it communicates: You're my wifey, but I don't know if I'm ready to make you my wife.
What kind of jewelry are we talking here? Threads of delicate gold or tacky purple pendants hung on red, silk cord? Different pieces communicate different things. If you bring her an ugly trinket you picked up at the flea market because you thought it would bring out her eyes, she'll think you're sweet and helpless. Like a puppy that just pissed on the rug, but didn't know better.
Your safest bet is buying a piece from a boutique she shops in; it will show you're thoughtful, but not super serious. She'll also know you have a genuine desire to get her something that she will actually wear. If you get her something from a major jewelry retailer, she might surmise things are getting more serious.
Just don't screw it up by getting her a heart from Tiffany's. What is this, middle school?
A Music Mix
What it communicates: Too many interpretations to list.
You tried to seduce girls with it in high school, and here you are again, going for broke with the same old moves. But, instead of using a blank CD, you're sharing a carefully curated playlist on Spotify.
Admittedly, mixes are the perfect vehicle for expressing your personality, sexy time style, and romantic ambitions. But it also poses many risks. Will you resent her if she doesn't understand why you chose Frank Ocean's "Pyramids" to express your feelings? How will you react if you find out that she played the entire mix only once, and used it as a background soundtrack while cleaning her apartment?
If you're the type of couple who shares headphones on the train with nary an argument over which song to play, this gift was made for you; she'll know exactly what each track means from start to finish. But if she's not on the same page, you may have just sent her 12 tracks worth of mixed signals.
Concert Tickets
What it communicates: I'm interested but not in love with you.
Surprisingly, concert tickets are a safer option than a music mix. With tickets to see A$AP Rocky, you're not laying your soul out on the decks. You're just saying you like it, and she likes it—why not like it together?
This is a fitting present for a girl you've seen a handful of times, and are interested in testing out the waters with. A concert isn't particularly romantic, but it's thoughtful enough to show you're interested.
A Book
What it communicates: Hey girl, I'm pretty serious about you.
You have to really know a woman well to successfully buy her a book. If you choose just the right novel—and this is no easy feat—you will send many positive signals. She'll know you care about her interests, listen to what she says, and actually read more than the back of the cereal box when left to your own devices.
The catch? All of the above will only apply if you choose wisely; the right pick will speak volumes (get it?). If she's a fantasy buff and you love watching Game of Thrones together, get her the book set. If she's into street art (or any art at all) get her Banksy's coffee table book. Or, take any literary gift up a notch and find a signed copy at a store like The Strand.
To really up the ante, be specific about why you chose the title so she doesn't think you made a wild grab at the "Recommended Reads" table. The more thought it looks like you put in, the more impressed she'll be.
Sex Toys
What it communicates: I want to do the Humpty Hump.
This gift is for anyone who is single or bored with monogamy (or, as we like to say, monotony). There is no gift that sends a clearer and more sincere message about your dirtiest intentions. Why play games? Why buy books, concert tickets, or even chocolate? Wait, keep the chocolate.
Why beat around the bush instead of just getting deep into it? You see what we...nevermind. If what you want this V-day is just, well, the V, then be intrepid. Say what you mean with silence and a bottle of apple-flavored lube.