Image via Complex Original
We all know that the talent portion of a beauty pageant has to be there so its organizers and participants can prove that it's not "all about looks." Until pageant-lovers can give themselves a cold, harsh look in the mirror and admit that the beauty they're judging is skin deep, we're stuck with what are often highly mediocre talent performances.
Luckily, it's not all "Over the Rainbow" and ballet en pointe. Some of these contestants actually are unique and have some level of imagination. Or else they're incredibly dumb and have no idea to what extent they're making fools of themselves. Either way, their totally strange abilities are there for us to enjoy. With the 2013 Miss America pageant airing Saturday at 9 p.m. EST on ABC, we bring you The 25 Weirdest Beauty Pageant Talents. And no, sadly Molly Ringwald's lipstick trick doesn't appear on this list.
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Written by Valeriya Safronova (@vsaffron)
25. Hip-Hop Dance
Contestant: Siobheal Nic Eochaidh
Pageant: Rose of Tralee 2011
If having spasms on a stage while grabbing your nonexistent penis and bopping your head violently constitutes hip-hop, then Eochaidh definitely had the routine down. The Irish beauty "danced" (a.k.a. flailed) to "Lose Your Mind" at the annual Rose of Tralee Festival. It's hard to watch. And harder to look away.
Free tip for Eochaidh: No one dances hip-hop in a tight-fitting evening gown.
24. Ventriloquism and Singing
Contestant: Chelsea Chilcott
Pageant: Miss Kansas Outstanding Teen 2009
Like another pageant contestant on this list, Chilcott is passionate about a strange talent: ventriloquism. It's a difficult one to master and Miss Teen Kansas has got it down. Props to her for sticking with it despite the comments we're sure she gets at school.
23. Marimba
Contestant: Aurelie McCarthy
Pageant: Miss America 1987
For an obscure instrument, the marimba sure is popular among the Miss America contestants. In case you're unclear on the specifics of marimba, it's essentially like a xylophone except with a broader and lower tonal range. Whatever that means. McCarthy managed to break through to the judges a little with her choice, picking up the Non-finalist Talent award.
22. "Dancing"
Contestant: Jerren Hogg
Pageant: Mr. Lumberjack 2008
First off, nothing about this performance says "lumberjack." At all. Second, the talent behind this talent portion is confusing: Is it his ability to walk around while awkwardly swaying his shoulders? Or his skill at choosing a horrid pop music medley akin to KTU's? Whatever it is, it's funny to watch.
21. Cheerleading
Contestant: Theresa Leung
Pageant: Miss NY Chinese 2012
We have heard others argue that cheerleading is a sport. Based on this video, it is definitely not. No matter how hard Leung smiles and shakes her hips, we can't endorse this as legitimate. Even her leaps are barely hops. We won't be fooled by the sparkly pom poms!
20. Irish Dance
Contestant: Caitlin Uze
Pageant: Miss America 2011
Not one for ballet or jazz hands, Uze brought her Irish out during the talent segment of the 2011 Miss America Pageant. It worked as a way to set her apart: Uze came away with the Quality of Life and Marion A. Crooker awards. She also made it to the Top 10.
19. Freestyle Roller Skating
Contestant: Tammy Kettunen
Pageant: Miss America 1989
Sometimes walking gets old. That's when the roller skates come out. For Kettunen, roller skating to America's famous song "Amazing Grace" was an obvious choice for the talent portion of the 1989 Miss America Pageant.
18. Rifle Twirling
Contestant: Laura Matthys
Pageant: Miss America 1982
Baton twirling is all good and fun, but what about rifle twirling? We're not sure—haven't had much experience in that department. There does seem to be an element of danger that could either be very exciting or very disastrous. We haven't even mentioned that the song Matthys twirled to was the "Herzegovinian March."
17. Singing and Puppetry
Contestant: Amy Ciccolella
Pageant: Miss America 1995
Ciccolella had good intentions when she decided to croon "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" to a puppet on the stage of the Miss America Pageant. She was trying to bring awareness to cerebral palsy. However, the backlash that followed was harsh. We're not sure who's right and who's wrong, but there is something mildly creepy about telling a puppet that you love him. Precursor to the love doll?
16. Flute
Contestant: Sarah Palin
Pageant: Miss Alaska 1984
All right, if an alien compared Palin's performance with the flute to the talents of other pageant contestants across the U.S., nothing would seem amiss. But how weird is the whole spectacle when you look back on Palin circa 1984 after having known the disaster that is Palin circa 2013? At the very least, it came as a surprise to us that the she-devil has any talent besides babbling nonsense. Though the tune does sound a little...deranged?
15. Irish Step Dance
Contestant: Betty Thompson
Pageant: Miss America 2012
In case you didn't know, looking hot isn't the only requirement for Miss America. Talent accounts for 35% of a contestant's final score. Thompson clearly had no issues in the looks department, and brought a breath of fresh air to the endless parade of mediocre vocal and dance routines with her Irish step dance performance. So why was she only the first runner-up? Maybe the luck of the Irish isn't so special after all.
14. Marimba
Contestant: Debbye Turner
Pageant: Miss America 1990
Debbye Turner's Wikipedia page tells us that her skill with percussion is clearly demonstrated by her marimba performances. That's not a measuring mark we ever intended to use, but it seems the marimba has some popularity among contestants trying to be a little different. The decision to play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on this instrument paid off for Turner, bringing her all the way through to the top spot.
13. Flute
Contestant: Shannon Boy
Pageant: Miss America 1992
Flute by itself is blah. Flute combined with the Star Wars theme song? We're perking up. Unfortunately, the combination did not take Boy very far. She wasn't even awarded a preliminary talent award! Oh, Boy!
12. Marimba
Contestant: Carrie Lee Davis
Pageant: Miss America 1992
This is a very funny video to watch. Davis awkwardly strikes her little sticks all over the marimba, making sounds we're supposed to believe represent a talent. Is this what they learn in South Carolina? How to play a poor rendition of "Csardas" on a "unique" instrument? Or is this just what her beauty pageant coach told her to play instead of a ukalele?
11. Clogging
Contestant: Adrienne Core
Pageant: Miss America 2011
We weren't sure what kind of clogging this referred to either, but it turns out that clogging is pretty similar to tap. Except it's more urban? And uses wooden shoes? Looks and sounds like some annoying jazzy tap to us. The judges were more enthusiastic about Core's unique talent, however, and awarded her a $2,000 scholarship for clicking and clacking to "Soul Man" all over the stage. Or maybe they just wanted to shut her up.
10. Beautiful Armpits
Contestant: Nikki Bohannon
Pageant: All-American Dove Deodorant Most Beautiful Underarms Pageant 2002
Armpits are not sexy. But Dove is bringing them back, follicle by follicle. As part of its deodorant campaign, Dove sponsored an armpit competition among women from the 50 states. After partaking with enormous skill in various exercises in which she was asked to show off her smooth, silky, sexy (?!) underarms, Bohannon took home the $5,000 prize. That's right: Groomed armpits are now officially worth about as much as the car you had in high school.
9. Paraguayan Harp
Contestant: Sharlene Wells
Pageant: Miss America 1985
American instruments were so blasé back in the '80s. That must have been why Wells decided to go with a harp from Paraguay. We didn't even know such a niche instrument existed, but the attention-grabbing move paid off: Wells won the entire contest, making her Miss America 1985.
8. Social Commentary
Contestant: Cherie Ward
Pageant: Miss America 1986
Instead of performing a song-and-dance routine like the other contestants, Ward decided to express her rage against television advertising and its effects on the brain. Ironically, Ward is now the producer, creator, and writer of the show for kids, Lumumba's Playground.
7. Jumping Rope
Contestant: Lauren Cheape
Pageant: Miss America 2012
Newly elected politician and Miss Hawaii 2011, Lauren Cheape had some tricks up her sleeve during the talent portion of the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Pulling out a jump rope as an Elvis song came on, Cheape hopped, skipped, and twirled her way into the preliminary talent awards. We thought jumping rope as a sport began and ended on the elementary school playground. How wrong we were.
6. Electric Violin
Contestant: Katie Millar
Pageant: Miss America 2007
Rather than put every inch of herself on display, modest Mormon Millar kept her body as covered as possible during the 2007 Miss America competition. She did express herself with a rendition of "Yankee Doodle" on the electric violin, continuing to play with three strings after one of them broke. Her perseverance paid off, landing her in the Top 10.
5. Karate
Contestant: Alecia Masalkoski
Pageant: Miss America 1985
Masalkoski knew that the best way to stand out wouldn't be to do some wussy crap. Instead, the Top 10 contestant chose to show off her martial arts skills by walking on glass, breaking a cement block, and performing a series of self-defense moves called kata.
4. Weapons-handling, Tank-driving, and Crawling in Uniform
Contestant: Ksenya Agarkova
Pageant: Miss Russian Army 2005
Miss Russian Army is a competition that began in 2005 as part of the government's propaganda push to encourage men to join the Army. Whereas sex in the barracks is discouraged here, it's apparently all the rage in the former USSR. All of the contestants in this show had to perform the same feats as Agarkova. However, it seems that Agarkova performed them the best while remaining graceful and hot. Nazdorovya!
3. Ventriloquism, Singing, and Yodeling
Contestant: Alyse Eady
Pageant: Miss America 2011
This is one nobdoy expected. Eady brought her two dummies on stage and proceeded to sing using both her own voice and two others'. The concentration on Eady's face almost made us nervous. But we have to admit, watching and hearing the way she throws her voice was just too good to miss. Surprisingly, she came in second for the entire competition. What did the winner do? Sing, yodel, dance, and skip around upside down?
2. Painting Bruce Lee While Dancing
Contestant: Lisa Wong
Pageant: 60th Annual Narcissus Pageant
To understand the full extent of the awesomeness of this talent, you must watch the video. At first, it looks as though Wong is making erratic, crazy person marks all over the canvas while robotically smiling and lifting her leg in the air. Then, it dawns on you: Those are Bruce Lee's abs.
1. Beatboxing
Contestant: Queenierich Rehman
Pageant: Miss World 2012
Most contestants find that singing is enough for the talent portion, but Rehman decided to throw in a spot of beatboxing as well, while simultaneously singing. The tune was a bit off-key, but we have to applaud the beauty queen for trying. Maybe there's a career for her in doing backup for people who do backup.