A Gentleman's Guide to Having a Threesome

This balancing act isn't as easy as it looks.

Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Let's play a fun little game called "what's your worst nightmare?" Suffocating in a coffin? Getting eaten by a shark? How about getting stabbed during a threesome?

Unfortunately, this was Orlando DeWitt's reality about a week and a half ago. On February 8, DeWitt was having a sex with an unnamed woman while his friend Ashley Hunter received oral sex from her. When Hunter asked DeWitt to switch positions, DeWitt refused, and all the fun and games turned to a near massacre as Hunter came after DeWitt with a knife and stabbed him twice with a 12-inch butcher knife.

Threesomes don't have to go down like this. All you have to do is follow a few simple guidelines.

Learn how to do it the right way with our Gentleman's Guide to Having a Threesome.

Written by Valeriya Safronova (@vsaffron)

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Lay Down the Ground Rules Before You Begin

Having sex with two people is very different from having sex with one. The change is as significant as when the prosecution finds a third witness. If it's just you and your girl, you can pretend that muffled sound she heard was a car backfiring in the lot. But when there's a third person there, well that's just another voice that can call you on your bullshit.

So be smart. Assess the situation beforehand. Consider the negative outcomes together, because trust, they exist. For example, if she's the kind of girl that easily becomes jealous, will she be okay with you touching someone else, and more? Are there certain physical acts that might make you or her uncomfortable? Is anything off limits? Make sure you ask all of the tough questions, and anticipate what might come up that could cause discomfort on her behalf or yours.

Don't Treat It Like an Adult Film

This rule should apply to all sex, at any time, in any place, but it's particularly important to consider during a threesome. Just because she's agreed to have a threesome, doesn't mean the regular rules go out the window. Be respectful of her preferences, and please, don't start speaking as if your name is Lex the Giant or Dick the King. Have some originality.

Remember that the woman or women involved are people, not pleasure toys. Threesomes have limits too, so it's important you proceed slowly, listen carefully, and pay attention to her needs, both spoken and unspoken.

Make Sure Everyone Is Relaxed

Creating the right mood before you begin essentially sets the tone for the whole night. You should consider this on two levels: physical and emotional. If you're planning to have the sleepover at your house, buy a few candles, a bottle of wine or whiskey, and make sure your playlist is stocked with the Weeknd and Miguel tracks, not Lil' Wayne and The Beatles. If you're going somewhere, bring the necessary supplies with you. Consider getting a hotel room for the night—a place none of you have been can be exciting and lead to an even wilder night. It also has the added bonus of ensuring you don't feel squeamish the next time you lay on your couch.

All of the above will lighten the mood and hopefully get the participating parties comfortable enough to start talking. It's okay to talk about topics that might seem a little mundane, like a restaurant you recently visited, or an artist you're into, as a way to soften the mood. Start by subtly flirting—you'll be on your way to undressing soon enough.

If You're Part of a Couple, Pay More Attention to Your Woman

When you and your lady head to bed with another, subtly playing favorites is actually a good idea. This is not the time to be doling out equal parts of yourself to both parties—one of these people cuddles you when you're down and listens to you when you dissect your boss's passive aggressive emails. The other does not.

If you want the intimacy you have to remain intact, give her plenty of love while you're getting hot and heavy. Shoot her looks, touch her constantly, and kiss her plenty. She'll feel great knowing that even with another naked woman around, she's still the focus of your thoughts, and you'll feel good when there's no jealous outburst to interrupt your night.

If You're Part of a Couple, Make Sure Your Significant Other Truly Wants This

There's a good chance that as a taken man, you've been presented with the following situation at least once: wifey is moody, you ask her what's up, and she responds with a curt "nothing." This situation is common to both genders: sometimes, people are neither clear nor vocal.

Your instinct may be to say, "Well I didn't know what you wanted. Am I supposed to read your mind?" Shut it down. You don't have to engage your ESP, but understand the hints. If she's not up for discussing it much, or isn't into picking your third compadre, or gets "sick" every time the plans are about to come together, something is up. Avoid a meltdown during showtime and ask her beforehand—in a sincere, open way—if she's truly ready to share. Hear her concerns if she has any, and think of it less as a treat for just you, and more as a bonding experience for the two of you.

Be Generous

Sorry to break this to you, but unless you pay for it, a threesome does not mean you get to lie back and have your body licked up and down by two giggling hotties who think you're sexier than David Beckham. Just as with regular sex, a threesome means lots of give and a little less take. Offer your mouth, your hands, and your other parts for everyone else's use. Take gladly and be willing to return double what you receive. Generosity pays off—the more you offer to do, the more you'll have done to you.

Have Some Sense of Bedroom Etiquette

This idea goes hand in hand with being generous. Don't focus on one person and leave the other one out altogether. Similarly, if the other two start having an in-depth session alone, don't push them apart (or take out any weapons). Wait your turn and don't try to hog all the attention. Enter the scene slowly, let things unfold naturally, and you'll get yours in time.

Anticipate the Possible Consequences

We're sure you've played out your fantasy threesome in your mind plenty of times, but your solo session is within your control. In reality, a lot of unexpected situations can come up during scenarios like these.

Are you prepared for the consequences? What If wifey focuses more on the other woman than you, and discovers she might be into girls? Are you cool with sitting on the sidelines for a few months while she goes out exploring a part of her she "never knew existed?" We're not saying this is likely, but stranger things have happened.

Don't Get Jealous

You signed up for this, so going green during the act is not a preferred option. If you were the kind of kid who gave your friends a piece of your cake when they asked you for a bite, and then immediately asked for it back, consider whether or not that possessive streak might have stuck. You say you're cool with seeing her with someone else, but are you really?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to share—just own up to it from the start. There are plenty of other ways to spice your life up that don't involve another person.

Go With the Flow

This isn't a play rehearsal. While you can plan out certain elements of a threesome, there's no script and there are certainly no guarantees. Having too many expectations and demands will just only get in the way of your enjoyment.

Accept that you have minimal control and know that the most you can do is be open-minded, attentive, and willing. The rest will happen as it happens. Let it. Even if it's the worst sex you ever have or you get completely shut out (it happens), you'll still have a killer story for dinner parties when you're old and boring.