Earth's Population Will Reach 11 Billion Just in Time for the Entire Universe to Start Fizzling Out

As science has already warned us, twice this month alone, children are coming for you and your livelihood and will spare no drastic measure in achieving global domination. As babieshorrifically boom in Buffalo post-Snowvember, those with a penchant for intentionally terrifying themselves just for the sheer f:)ck of it have started digging a bit deeper into global population patterns and statistics. The findings are great if you like the idea of Earth turning into a much sweatier version of the worst crowded elevator you can imagine, only without admittedly banging muzak.

Earlier this week, the United Nations presented their findings to the American Statistical Association in Seattle. According to their study, 11.2 billion people will be residing here on Earth by the year 2100. These estimates, a dramatic rate of growth when considering the current global population is 7.3 billion, are considered somewhat conservative. Those leaning less on the side of statistical safety estimate that we will see as many as 13 billion people clamoring for Instagram likes by the end of the century.

Serendipitously, news of the fastest population growth rate in recorded history is paired with the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union (GAMA)'s assertion that the universe is most definitely dying. Existential "I told you so" aside, the facts are indisputable: the universe currently has about half the energy it did (just) 2 billion years ago. To determine this figure, researchers analyzed the light from 200,000 galaxies in 21 different wavelengths, quickly discovering that new stars are forming at dramatically lower rates. "The Universe will decline from here on in, like an old age that lasts forever," says GAMA's principal investigatorSimon Driver. "The Universe has basically sat down on the sofa, pulled up a blanket, and is about to nod off for an eternal doze."

So, not only is the universe definitely coming to an end, but there will be so many more people here to experience it!