Matt Damon Wants Dudes Who Don't Sexually Assault or Harass Women to Get a Pat on the Back

This prick shoulda stayed on Mars.

December 19, 2017

Devastating news out of Hollywood this morning, as Stuck on You star Matt Damon has apparently lost the ability to speak after shoving his foot too far down his own throat.

Damon, who suffers from chronic bullshit emissions, decided to re-enter the ongoing conversation surrounding sexual assault and harassment allegations by somehow managing to say something even stupider than that original garbage he dumped on us last week. In a recent interview with Business Insider, Damon bafflingly decided to take a page from the bizarre (and ultimately unsuccessful) Roy Moore defense campaign by reminding everyone of all the men who haven't been hit with allegations of sexual assault and/or harassment.

"We're in this watershed moment, and it's great, but I think one thing that's not being talked about is there are a whole shitload of guys—the preponderance of men I've worked with—who don't do this kind of thing and whose lives aren't going to be affected," Damon said, presumably moments before a publicist said fuck it and left the office for the nearest bar.

Damon, who definitely looks like the kind of guy who thinks using words like "shitload" makes him seem hip and relatable, added that he would gladly "sign a sexual harassment thing" and would have done so for previous productions. "I don't care, I'll sign it," he said. "I would have signed it before. I don't do that, and most of the people I know don't do that."

Last week, Damon said "there's a different between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation." Damon's Good Will Hunting co-star Minnie Driver promptly put him in his place. "Let women do the speaking up right now," she told the Guardian. "The time right now is for men just to listen and not have an opinion about it for once."