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The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from rap to indie movies, universal pre-K to alternate side parking on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, the Working Families Party, Mitt Romney, or the head custodian at the Soundview projects. You've been warned.
YO YA BOY BILL DE BLASIO IS OFFICIALLY THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY NOW B. YA BOY MIKE BLOOMBERG'S JOB NOW IS TO SIT POOLSIDE WITH A TALL GLASS OF BUDWEISER ON ICE (HE PUTS ICE IN HIS BEER MY GUY, GOOGLE IT) AND TRY TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP DOING FUN THINGS LIKE TRANS FATS AND SEX WITH NO CONDOM. SINCE DE BLASIO IS NEW TO THIS MAYOR SHIT AND SINCE I'M THE KNOWLEDGE GOD WHAT IMA DO NOW IS GIVE HIM SOME POINTERS ON HOW HE CAN BECOME AN ICONIC NYC MAYOR LIKE KOCH OR DINKINS OR WHATEVER. I DON'T FUCK WITH GHOULIANI CUZ DUDE MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR COPS TO SHOOT BROWN PEOPLE WITH IMPUNITY B. GIULIANI MADE A LAW THAT SAYS AFTER A COP SHOOTS TEN BROWN PEOPLE HE GETS A FREE SANDWICH AT ANY MALL FOOD COURT IN NEW JERSEY. THAT'S WILD FOUL AND ALSO I BET YOU AIN'T EVEN KNOW THAT. ALSO HE MADE IT SO YOU HAVE TO GET BOOKED FOR EVERYTHING WHICH IS WILD CORNY. I'M ACTUALLY WRITING THIS FROM BOOKINGS RIGHT NOW CUZ I FARTED AUDIBLY ON THE 4 TRAIN AND GOT CAUGHT BY A DT. "MERO HOW DID YOU GET YOUR LAPTOP IN BOOKINGS IDK IF I BELIEVE YOU BRUH" MY GIRL CHECKED IT DOGGIE. I GOT COPS ON THE PAYROLL. DON'T EVER QUESTION THE VALIDITY OF MY STATEMENTS.
ANYWAY THIS IS COMPLEX SO I'M DO THIS IN LIST FORMAT. STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK WHEN I MAKE A LIST OF THE TOP 10 TIMES I SAID "FUCK MICHAEL JORDAN" AND THE "TOP 10 LIST IDEAS I HAD WHILE I WAS TAKING THIS HUNGOVER WHITE CASTLE SHIT" AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE "TOP 12 PICTURES IN WHICH TIGER WOODS LOOKS LIKE A GERBIL." HERE'S MY ADVICE WILLIAM.
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REPEAL 90% OF BLOOMBERG SHIT
YO BLOOMBERG REALLY GOT THE WORLD TO STOP SMOKING BOGIES B! THERE'S CRACKHEADS OUT HERE WITH THE ILL JOIE DE VIVRE SMOKING GLASS DICKS IN THE PARK, MEANWHILE IF I WANNA ENJOY A NEWPORT I GOTTA GO INTO A FALLOUT SHELTER ON MARS? FUCK THAT B. REPEAL THAT SHIT. I WAS JUST WATCHING SOME OLD TIMEY TV SHOW AND MUTHAFUCKAS WAS SMOKIN SQUARES WILD NONCHALANTLY B. I GOT A DESK APPEARANCE TICKET FOR SMOKING A PORT TWO INCHES FROM THE STAIRS OF THE BURNSIDE STATION BRUH. THAT'S INCREDIBLY WILD FUCKED UP AND IF GIULIANI WOULDN'T HAVE INTRODUCED THE SANDWICH LAW I WOULDA TOLD THE COP TO GO FUCK HIS GRANDMA IN THE BUTT. BUT I DIDN'T I JUST CODE SWITCHED LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA. "EXCUSE ME OFFICER I WAS NOT AWARE OF MY PROXIMITY TO YOUR TRAIN." ALSO I'M PRETTY SURE BLOOMBERG MADE SODA AND BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL. REPEAL ALL THAT SHIT.
GET YOUR SCANDAL OUTTA THE WAY EARLY
DOG IF YOU GONNA SMOKE CRILLZ OR FUCK AN ITALIAN HOOKER DO THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW ALL AT ONCE. AFTER A MONTH IT'LL ALL BE OVER AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO BRAIDING YOUR SONS HAIR AND MAKING CITY BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENTS IN BROKEN SPANISH. SCANDALS GOT A SHELF LIFE AND YOU DON'T WANNA GET CAUGHT BLOWING MR. CEE IN AN ELECTION YEAR B. SO BLOW HOMIE OR PUNCH A PUERTO RICAN LADY OR GET CAUGHT SMOKING WEED WITH MILEY NOW FAM. TRUST ME. I'M NOT A POLITICIAN BUT I'M WILD FAMOUS AND NOBODY REMEMBERS THAT TIME I GOT CAUGHT JERKING ILLZES IN JESSICA ALBA'S CRIB WHILE SHE WAS FILMING THAT SWIMMING MOVIE WITH PAUL WALKER (RIP THE BIG HOMIE P DOUBLE) BECAUSE I DID THAT SHIT WILD EARLY IN MY CAREER AS A FAMOUS MUTHAFUCKA.
DO A YOUTUBE COVER OF "WORST BEHAVIOR"
THIS AIN'T REALLY ADVICE BUT IT WOULD BE FUCKING HILARIOUS SO DO IT. BUT YOU GOTTA BE IN MAYORAL MEN'S WAREHOUSE ATTIRE AND HAVE THE COMPTROLLER DOIN THE AD LIBS. WHO'S THE COMPTROLLER? WHAT DOES A COMPTROLLER DO? BESIDES HAVE A JOB TITLE THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DRUM & BASS DJ? *CALLS SWAY*
SWAY: I DON'T GOT THAT ANSWER BRUH BRUH
MERO: SMH
GET YOUR FAMILY ON CAMERA MORE
YO WE VOTED FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU GOT A BLACK WIFE BRUH I'M JUST BEING REAL. YOU'RE LIKE THE NEW BILL CLINTON OBAMA HYBRID B. LET YOUR SHORTY GET SOME MORE SCREEN TIME. GIVE HER A TV SHOW OR SOME SHIT SO WE NEVER FORGET YOU HAVE A BLACK WIFE AND BIRACIAL CHILDREN. DO SOME GAP ADS DOGGIE. LET THEM LIL LITESKIN OFFSPRINGS YOU GOT THRIVE AND PROSPER. SHOOT AN INDIE FILM ABOUT YOUR LIFE WHERE THE DARK SKINT AUNT VIV OR ANGELA BASSETT PLAYS YOUR WIFE AND LISA BONET PLAYS YOUR DAUGHTER. I'LL PLAY DANTE, I GOT WILD INCREDIBLE THESPIAN SKILLS MY GUY YOU SHOULD SEE MY ONE MAN SHOW I DO MONTHLY FOR MY LANDLORD. *HITS BLUNT*…YOU GOTTA BE ACCESSIBLE AND SHIT. NAHMEAN?
I RAN OUTTA WEED
YO THIS WAS GONNA BE ANOTHER PIECE OF ADVICE BUT I RAN OUTTA WEED. I'M DEAD SOBER RIGHT NOW. DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY STRUGGLE? ITS BEEN LIKE 2 DAYS I GOT NO TYPE OF WEED B THIS IS INCREDIBLE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY FUCKIN STRUGGLE? DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW MY FUCKIN STRUGGLES B. MY PHONE BATTERY IS 5% RIGHT NOW FAM. WHAT IF I WANNA WATCH SOME PNO? YOU KNOW HOW TREACHEROUS WATCHING PNO ON YOUR PHONE WITH 4% BATTERY IS? (ITS AT 4% NOW, 3% ACTUALLY.) AND THE BRIGHTNESS TURNT ALL THE WAY UP? YOU KNOW WHAT I ATE FOR DINNER? THOUGHTS B. I HAD THOUGHTS OF FOOD FOR DINNER. I HAD A DEEP BREATH FOR DINNER. DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES FAM THEY DON'T COMPARE TO MINE. WHERE YOUR SHIT FROM? I IMPORTED MINE. MY PHONE CHARGER IS A TATTERED MESS B. AND TO TOP IT OFF THE KNICKS LIKE 12 GAMES UNDER .500 SO GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE WITH YOUR DEMANDS FOR A COHESIVE WRITING PIECE B. IM OUT! #KNOWLEDGE (HIT MY PAYPAL THANKS)