Image via NBC
Last night's telecast of the 71st Annual Golden Globes went as expected. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss provided us with some excellent GIFs, and American Hustle dominated the competition—which makes little sense if you saw every other movie in its category. But who cares about the opinions of the Hollywood Foreign Press anyway? Not us. Which is why we're hosting our own mini awards ceremony for the most deserving moments/people of the evening. Here are all the awards that should've been given out at the 2014 Golden Globes.
The "Fuck Your Send-Off Orchestra" Award: Jacqueline Bisset
At 69, Jacqueline Bisset is looking at the world and its puny awards shows like, "Turn down for what?" The first winner of the evening, Bisset took the prize for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie for her portrayal of Lady Lavinia Cremone in the BBC's jazz drama Dancing on the Edge. Looking like she had maybe just stumbled out of a dark opium den, Bisset needed some time to gather herself at the podium. At which point the damn orchestra started in. She powered through, shouting out her haters—"Go to hell and don't come back"—a group which definitely includes some violinists, you know?
The "You Suck at Your Job" Award: The Head Seating Arranger
Seriously, what the hell happened here? Everyone knew Bryan Cranston and his Breaking Bad compatriots were taking home gold like the Dream Team in Barcelona. Why was the floor plan borrowed from the freaking myth of the Minotaur? Someone screwed up.
The "Botched Teleprompter Reveals the Mettle and Courage of a Real Actor Under Fire" Award: Jonah Hill
He got an Oscar nod for his work in Moneyball and channeled Joe Pesci in The Wolf of Wall Street—what else does Jonah Hill need to do to prove to you all that he's a real man and national treasure? How about saving Margot Robbie from embarrassment (and all us viewers at home from second-hand whiffs of the stuff) from a horrible teleprompter disaster. When the pair approached the podium, Robbie's wide eyes clued everyone to the fact that something had gone wrong.
Without missing a beat—so nimble, this guy—Hill brought us up to speed on the situation: "I'm not going to lie to you, right now, they put up the wrong stuff on the teleprompter. Let's just be real about it. That was not for us." So real. So damn real.
The "Best Humblebrag of the Night" Award: Elisabeth Moss
First of all: PEGGY, YOU MADE IT! *Drake voice*
Elisabeth Moss has been nominated for her work as Peggy Olson on Mad Men, but has yet to win. That changed last night, when Moss took home a trophy for her portrayal of a fierce cop dealing with a bunch of backwoods monster men in Jane Campion's crime drama Top of the Lake. If you're like me, you started playing "Trophies" as soon as they called her name, but hopefully you didn't play it so loud that you missed the best part of Moss' speech: her humblebrag about Jennifer Lawrence. "I'm shaking, just as Jennifer Lawrence said." Got it, you hang with JLaw. Well, whatever. We all heard her say that, too. NBD, Elisabeth Moss.
The "Best Zac Efron Imitation" Award: Amy Poehler
At least once in the night, viewers are reminded of nepotism in Hollywood. Last night's moment went to Sosie Bacon, introduced by her parents Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick as Miss Golden Globes 2014. But just as quickly as she stole the spotlight, Amy Poehler yanked it back as Mr. Golden Globe, Randy, Tina Fey's (fictional) grown son who looks like Frodo Baggins' and Zac Efron's love child, if that were physically possible.
The "Is Diddy Drunk?" Award: Everyone
It's not polite to speculate about what substances a celebrity may or may not have consumed before appearing at an award show. Especially when that star has accomplished so much that his or her behavior with regards to unwinding a bit before what's obviously a stressful occasion—well, when you just have to give that star a pass. But for real—where is what Diddy had and can we all get it inside us ASAP, please?
The "I Woke Up Like This" Award: Emma Thompson
Ziggy Marley famously sang, "Love is my religion." Cool story, bro—I'm sticking with Emma Thompson. Emma Thompson, heels off and with at least one martini in her system and another on deck—that's my religion. Truly, when she strolled out to the podium, it was like mainlining all of the music videos for Beyonce while speed reading Jane Austen's complete body of work. Ask how many fucks Thompson gives, just go ahead.
The "I Was About to Make a Mean Twitter Joke About Old People But Will Shut Up Now" Award: Everyone on Twitter
Everyone can now participate in the magic of the Golden Globes thanks to Twitter and Internet trolling. And, show of hands, how many of you live-tweeters were about to GO IN on the old wobbly lady who came out with Steve Coogan? (It's okay—I was one of them.) Assuming you did the right thing and fell back once Coogan explained that she was the real Philomena from his new movie Philomania, this award is for you.
The "Please Mr. Bono Don't I Wanna Be at This Awards Show No More" Award: Bono
Maybe you haven't heard, but living saint Bono, of the inspirational humanist megachurch backing band U2, wrote and recorded an original song for the film Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.
Honestly, Bono just sucks. This was supposed to be scathing and sarcastic, but who has the energy for that with Bono in 2014? He needs to sit his self-righteous ass down.
The "Best Shoutout of the Night If You're Into Harps/Singer-Songwriters" Award: Andy Samberg and Joanna Newsom
Joanna Newsom, making everyone in attendance appear basic, held down the table while her husband, this guy Andy Samberg, or whatever, accepted an award for something he did that made some people laugh. Newsom radiated beauty and intelligence, at once of the crowd and removed from it. After all, she's the creator of three perfect albums containing some of the most poetic songwriting in recent memory. She plays the harp and sings. She helped Andy Samberg to be funny. Which she does in addition to making art that makes it easier to get out of bed in the mornings, affirming that human beings are capable of good things.
The "Good God This Is Difficult and Strange to Watch" Award: Diane Keaton
The mental cacophony of clips from films that are undeniably great coupled with a twitter feed full of individuals reminding you of the gross behavior of the man behind those clips. It's tough to stomach. In fact, impossible for some. If you haven't, read this Vanity Fair piece on Mia Farrow, Allen's ex-wife, and her family. Read this, then watch Keaton's speech and try to reconcile these things.
The "Jaden Smith" Award: Anonymous
If you know who the woman in this photo is, please let us know so we can ship her her award.
Jaden Smith, professor emeritus of Philosophy and Poetry at the University for People Who Actually Appreciate Philosophy And Poetry, is known beyond the scholarly world of twitter for posing with his hands held at prayer in front of his face. And so this woman gets the Jaden Smith award for mimicking the pose of our Young Savior.
The "Funniest Joke of the Night" Award: American Hustle Beats Wolf of Wall Street for Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
Really, any other movie nominated in this category would've been a better choice than David O. Russell's serviceable but not quick-to-evaporate American Hustle. A case could be made here for the Coen Brothers' Inside Llewyn Davis, but since all of the scuttlebutt lately has focused on comparing the not-so-Scorsese film American Hustle to the season's authentic Martin Scorsese film, The Wolf of Wall Street, Wolf felt the most slighted last night.
The Hollywood Foreign Press, notoriously, loves an attractive, splashy movie star—the Golden Globes are a popularity contest, and with its extra starry cast (Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, etc.), American Hustle is catnip without bras but with awful wigs. Hence why Lawrence beat 12 Years a Slave's Lupita Nyong'o, Adams won over the far better Greta Gerwig (Frances Ha) and Julie Delpy (Before Midnight), and Russell's faux-Sese laughably bested the real Scorsese's best movie since The Departed (2006).
The "We Know, We Know, We've Been Fucking Up" Award: The Hollywood Foreign Press
It didn't look good. As the evening drew to a close, it felt like 12 Years a Slave, the best movie of 2013, would go without any recognition from the Hollywood Foreign Press beyond its nominations. Hanz Zimmer, composer of the film's score, lost. John Ridley, the author of the screenplay, lost. Michael Fassbender, nominated for Best Supporting Actor, lost. Lupita Nyong'o, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, lost. Chiwetel Ejiofor, nominated for Best Actor, lost. Steve McQueen, the film's director, lost.
There was one category left—Best Motion Picture, Drama—and it didn't look good. "12 Years a Snub" was tweeted by more and more gross individuals on Twitter. And then the Hollywood Foreign Press did the right thing. They recognized the movie's greatness and gave it an award. True, these awards aren't everything, but they help shape the canon. Films that don't necessarily deserve a spot in movie history, like American Hustle, get remembered because of big awards at shows like the Golden Globes and the Oscars. Speaking of those, here's to hoping the Academy does the right thing, too, when it comes time.
The "Mussolini Made the Trains Run on Time" Award: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Despite the mile-long hike to the mic and the amount of times the get-the-hell-off-the-stage music played last night, the broadcast ended promptly at 11 p.m. We imagine it's because Fey and Poehler had thoroughly pregamed and were ready to hit the after-parties. By then, everyone in the audience was ready too.