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The 11th season of American Idol premiered last night on Fox with the promise that judges Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, who joined Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest on the show last year, will be more cold-blooded, a la the departed Simon Cowell, now that they've settled in. Obviously that's a good thing, because the show is at its most entertaining when the judges are reaming people who can't sing. If Tyler and Lopez want any pointers on how to best humiliate a contestant, all they need to do is check out our tribute to the series' best moments, The 25 Harshest American Idol Critiques.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@TanyaGhahremani)
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Keith
25. The World's Worst Singer
Season: 2
Contestant: Keith Beukelaer
Songs: "Like A Virgin," by Madonna, and "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," by Whitney Houston
Harsh critique:
Simon: Keith. Last year, I described someone as being the worst singer in America. I think you’re possibly the worst singer in the world…based on that performance. And I’m absolutely serious. I’ve never ever heard anything like that in my life. Ever.
Randy: Keith, that was horrific, man. When you said "interesting and unique," you said a mouthful. Oh, my god.
Simon: Keith, you’ve got to hear yourself to believe it. There is nobody on the planet who sings like you.
Keith: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Simon: I’m being absolutely serious—I mean, are you serious?
Keith: I don’t think I’m the best singer in the world, but…hey, I think I’m a good singer.
Randy: What else do you love to do?
Keith: Well, I like to dance.
Randy: (Unable to keep a straight face) Just…you know, maybe get into dancing…
Complex says: On the bright side, global >>> local.
Legal Drama
24. Lawyer Up
Season: 1
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: You take singing lessons?
Contestant: Yes, I do.
Simon: Who’s your teacher?
Contestant: There’s this lady up in Montana…
Simon: Do you have a lawyer?
Contestant: No, I don’t have a lawyer…
Simon: Get a lawyer, sue her. Seriously.
Complex says: Simon had a point: If Kim Kardashian can sue someone for looking a tiny bit like her, we’re certain that this chick could sue her teacher for failing to reduce her suckitude. Then at least she'd have cold hard cash to alleviate the pain of being publically humiliated on live television.
Mary
23. Original Weirdness
Season: 4
Contestant: Mary Roach
Songs: "I Feel the Earth Move," by Carole King
Harsh critique:
Simon: All right, Mary. Honestly? One of the worst I’ve ever heard in my life.
Mary: The worst?
Simon: Yeah. Honestly.
Mary: Are you just saying that to get on my nerves, or are you totally serious? Because something tells me that I think you’re saying it to annoy me.
Simon: I—what made you audition for this competition?
Mary: All my friends told me that I was an awesome singer.
Randy: What?
Simon: Mary, you can’t sing a note… Not only can you not sing a note in tune, you have one of the weirdest voices I’ve ever heard in my life.
Mary: Well, weirdness is originality too.
Simon: Well, yes…good point.
Mary: Well, at least I’m not going to walk out of here crying like some people do.
Simon: I don’t want you to, Mary.
Mary: I’m gonna walk out of here like, "Hey, whatever."
Complex says: Let it be known that Mary does not actually walk out of there saying "Hey, whatever," but instead exits cursing out everybody but Paula. Yup, dignity retained.
Mariah
22. Mariah Carey's Twin
Season: 7
Contestant: Valerie Reyes
Songs: "Against All Odds," by Mariah Carey
Harsh critique:
Simon: The only resemblance to Mariah Carey would be Mariah Carey’s CD…left out in the sun…for a year. And then, trying to play it.
Complex says: Well, we’re sure that’s not entirely true—the CD probably wouldn’t be able to play at all if it was left out in the sun for a year! Where are we, Pluto? Come on, Simon. Her voice sounds more like a Mariah Carey CD left out in the sun for, like, a week, tops. Don’t lose hope, girl!
Happy Killing
21. Murder Music
Season: 1
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: You just killed my favorite song of all time.
Contestant: Killed in a good way or a bad way?
Simon: …Well, listen, killing is never good. There’s never a happy killing.
Complex says: When your singing could catch a homicide case, perhaps it’s time to find a new hobby. Knitting, perhaps? Watching every single episode of every Real Housewives show there is?
Lady Gaga
20. The Downside Of Gaga
Season: 10
Contestant: Kamil Anthony
Songs: "Paparazzi," by Lady Gaga
Harsh critique:
Randy: No. Never. If Gaga were here, she'd run out of the room screaming, "What have I done?! Wahhhhhh!"
Complex says: But baby, he was born this way! (It had to be said.) With the booking chops that Idol has, we’re disappointed that they didn’t actually put Gaga and Kamil in a room together during the finale of the season to see if Randy’s assumption would be correct. Would she do more of a "Bad Romance" kind of "ahhh," or would it be more of a lower-pitched, "Alejandro" sort of deal? Things we need to know!
Vocabulary
19. Where's My Thesaurus?
Season: 1
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: There are only so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was.
Complex says: Simon Cowell was at his finest on the first season of Idol, held back by not even the commonest of decency. He said what was on his mind, and in the case of this guy’s audition, there wasn’t anything on his mind but pure disgust. But just for future reference, a few words that more or less work in the place of awful: terrible, horrendous, atrocious, abominable...
William Hung
18. She Bangs...Her Head Against A Wall
Season: 2
Contestant: William Hung
Songs: "She Bangs," by Ricky Martin
Harsh critique:
Simon: You can’t sing, you can’t dance…so what do you want me to say?
William: I have no professional training, of singing.
Simon: No? Well, that’s the surprise of the century.
Complex says: Everyone remembers William Hung. He was the one contestant from Idol who actually got a record deal precisely because he was bad. While Simon's critique was legitimately harsh (the key is in his expression) we think he should've been even harder on Will here. Maybe if he had, Hung would have never gotten a record deal, and this never would have happened. Unfortunately, all of that did happen, and his album was released in 2004 to the #1 spot on the Billboard Independent Album chart. The music industry has never fully recovered.
Fabio?
17. Bad Memories
Season: 9
Contestant: Neil Goldstein
Songs: "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through," by Meatloaf
Harsh critique:
Neil: (Singing) Remember everything that I told you… (Neil has forgotten the lyrics.)
Simon: That’s ironic.
Kara: That’s OK, that’s OK. Take your time, take a deep breath. We’re rooting for you.
Neil: I know.
Simon: No, we’re not.
Complex says: Oh, silly Kara. Do you even watch this show? Clearly not, or else you’d know that we’d never root for anyone, especially not somebody with that hair. Simon’s right on the mark: Get a haircut, possibly some oil-absorbing pads, and remember to never come back.
Bikini Girl
16. Nude Review
Season: 9
Contestant: Katrina Darrell
Songs: "Treated Me Kind," by Mariah Carey
Harsh critique:
Kara: You’re a beautiful girl, but that was a big song.
Katrina: But your demonstration wasn’t any better.
...
Paula: Here’s the deal. Welcome to Hollywood.
Kara: Next time, come naked.
Complex says: By taking one look at Bikini Girl, a.k.a. Katrina, it’s obvious why the judges were split on her audition—Simon and Randy wanted to send her to Hollywood so they could look at her some more, while Kara and Paula didn’t think she had any discernible talent.
Kara starts off her critique by claiming that she’s not saying anything that she’s about to say because of the way Katrina is dressed, which obviously means that everything she’s about to say is because of the way Katrina is dressed. They end up singing over one another to prove who’s better, each raising the volume of their voice until they’re both just screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.
In the end, Katrina gets through to the next round, and as she’s commenting about how excited she is, Kara suggests that she come naked next time, implying that Katrina could never move on in the competition without pulling another gimmick like this one. And the struggle for power continues…
Toothbrush for the Mind
15. Nobody Loves Dentists
Season: 10
Contestant: Dr. Chris Kammer
Song: "Get Out the Brush," by Dr. Chris Kammer
Harsh critique:
Randy: “Sing in your car only. Windows up.”
Complex says: Fulfilling his role as the new Simon Cowell, Randy and/or some series ghostwriters have been coming up with a few well-thought-out zingers for the more questionable contestants. We love that here, critiquing a real-life dentist singing an awful song about brushing teeth, Randy looks like he wants to grab that gigantic toothbrush and scrub the memory of the audition out of his mind.
Alesha
14. Attention Seeker
Season: 7
Contestant: Alesha Stelzl
Song: "Surrender," by Celine Dion
Harsh critique:
Simon: What happens when you sing publicly, Alicia?
Alesha: Um…everybody likes it. Like, they love it.
Simon: What’s the reaction?
Alesha: I get people’s attention.
Simon: I’m sure you do… Alicia, can I be honest with you? It was an absolutely dreadful audition. Notes were all over the place, it was painful, I couldn’t recognize the song.
Complex says: When you've turned your audition into a bad episode of Don't Forget The Lyrics for Simon, it's time to do something else with your life. Oh well. At least she still has her looks.
Pitchfork mob
13. Angry Mobs
Season: 7
Contestant: Aretha Codner
Songs: "I Have Nothing," by Whitney Houston
Harsh critique:
Simon: You murdered that Whitney Houston song.
Aretha: I have a beautiful voice. It’s amazing.
Simon: To who?
Aretha: To my family, to people that don’t even know me…I stop crowds.
Simon: Yes, I bet.
Aretha: I do. I stop crowds, people listen to me, ‘cause they’re just like, "Wow."
Simon: You mean the crowd disappears when you sing?
Aretha: You know what, they come a little closer.
Simon: (Makes a pitchfork motion) Holding anything?
Complex says: To be fair, angry pitchfork-holding mobs probably have better things to do than swear vengeance on this woman for her bad singing. Bad auditions have alwats been the best thing about Idol!
Martha or Matthew
12. Martha Skewered
Season: 4
Contestant: Matthew Miller
Songs: "Before Your Love," by Kelly Clarkson
Harsh critique:
Brandy: Simon, you can say everything on this one.
Simon: I feel Matthew has more important decisions to make in his life, because we’re not sure if it’s Matthew or Martha.
Complex says: To give some back story to this, Matthew ends his audition by telling the judges and guest Brandy that when he was singing in the past, once a woman had been listening to him with her eyes closed and had assumed that his voice was coming from a “skinny black woman.” Simon, who apparently agrees, takes the liberty of naming this imaginary woman "Martha." Matthew, who should be phased but isn’t, comments he’d be a "Shakiki" instead. Fair enough.
Jacket
11. Trimming The Fat
Season: Unknown
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Randy: OK, guess what. You’re a good singer, you have a horrible image, you need to lose a lot more weight—I’m not trying to be a superstar, you’re trying to be a superstar. You need to lose a lot more weight, you need to live in the gym, money. You need to change your whole outfit – look at this jacket you’re wearing! Look at this jacket! Dude, what do you have on? ...
Contestant: In our heart, we are superstars!
Randy: You know what? Let me leave you with one thought: You didn’t pass this audition 'cause you were not good enough. So you take that home and you work on it and you come back and show me that you've lost...probably 100 lbs. you need to lose and get your look together.
Complex says: This critique happened during callbacks in Hollywood, a session that’s not expected to be as brutal as the audition process is in terms of judges' feedback. This guy was exceptionally bad, though, and he made it worse by commenting that Randy should spend some time in the gym with him. This is what resulted: Randy Jackson, singing competition judge and fashion police extraordinaire.
But seriously, bro, what the hell is that jacket? It looks like something you’d see on a coked out raver with frosted tips in the mid to late '90s. Not a good look.
The Actual End
10. The Show Must Not Go On
Season: 3
Contestant: Jonathan Rey
Songs: "The One," by Shakira
Harsh critique:
Simon: (Randy has just stood up and left mid audition because this guy sucks so bad. Simon is left to deliver the bad news.) Jonathan, I think we’re going to have to cancel this competition.
Jonathan: Really?
Simon: I’m being serious. This isn’t working. You were terrible!
Jonathan: Another song…
Simon: There’s not a song in the world you could sing.
Complex says: Congratulations, Jonathan. You got American Idol, a multi-billion-dollar series shut down because of your crappy audition. This is why we can’t have nice things. For real, though, Simon’s critique of this dude is on the mark, as his audition was another level of atrocious. Plus, it prompted the dude to pick up Simon’s glass of water and hurl it at him, so that critique is actually responsible for producing reality television at its best. A true master, that Simon is.
Beautiful Disaster
9. Just The Tip
Season: 7
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: "Beautiful Disaster," by Kelly Clarkson
Harsh critique:
Simon: I have no idea what that was. I couldn’t understand a word of it.
Randy: It’s called "Beautiful Disaster."
Simon: Well, OK, we’ll stay with the last word on that. You were actually singing at a restaurant?
Contestant: Yes.
Simon: As you were doing what?
Contestant: Serving.
Simon: What were your tips like?
Contestant: About 30 to 90 dollars a table.
Simon: A month…
Complex says: We think Simon is wrong here, because we would definitely drop $30-$90 in one sitting to get her to stop upsetting our digestion with her singing.
Over Too Soon
8. Premature Emasculation
Season: 7
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: It was a horrible, horrible song choice. It was a horrible, horrible presentation. There was absolutely nothing redeeming in it, other than the fact that we stopped it early.
Complex says: Everyone who watches this show, including the judges, have to be a certain amount of masochistic in order to actually stay sane during the bad auditions. Consider this, now, when reading the above critique: It was so bad that Simon couldn’t even let it go on for the sake of hilarious television. This is undoubtedly the harshest critique one could ever give to a series contestant on reality TV.
Never Ready
7. Ready, Set, Go Away
Season: 1
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Paula: Unfortunately, you’re not ready yet.
Simon: Unfortunately, you’ll never be ready.
Complex says: No shame in telling it like it is—season one Simon at his finest. That broken look on her face right there? Yeah, that's not something that can be faked. If her acting is anything like her singing, that look is 100% real.
Watch me Leave
6. Exit Music
Season: 10
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Contestant: Just give me a song.
Randy: Is there a song called "Watch Me Leave"?
Complex says: Fun fact: there actually isn’t! We’re sure Randy knew that, too. So, unfortunately for this contestant, there’s nothing else she can sing. Another dream demolished, thanks to Randy Jackson.
Pen
5. The Pen Is Mightier
Season: 7
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: You were that bad, honestly. My pen has got more charisma.
Complex says: What kind of pen does Simon use? That’s the real question here.
Harsh
4. Child's Play
Season: 8
Contestant: Steven "Red" Thoen
Songs: "Bohemian Rhapsody," by Queen
Harsh critique:
Simon: Steven, I've heard some weird auditions in my life but I've gotta tell you, that was possibly the weirdest I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, it was like a one-year-old singing that song.
Steven: Ooh, harsh…
Simon: No, I’m not being harsh.
Complex says: Yes you are, Simon. Come on. Your whole career is built off being harsh, and this list is titled The Harshest Critiques On American Idol. You were being harsh. It’s OK, though, because that’s all we want to see anyway.
Helium
3. Unnatural High
Season: 7
Contestant: Kristy Lee Cook
Songs: "Eight Days a Week," by The Beatles
Harsh critique:
Simon: It sounded like…Dolly Parton, on helium.
Complex says: This one is bad, considering Dolly Parton already sounds like she’s perpetually on helium. Stay away from the balloons, girl! At least before you go on stage to sing.
Inception
2. Nightmare On Cowell Street
Season: 8
Contestant: Unknown
Songs: Unknown
Harsh critique:
Simon: You know what, this is exactly identical to a nightmare I had last week. I’m being serious. A week before I was due to start this, that was what woke me up in the middle of the night.
Complex says: Funnily enough, this is actually the plot line for the sequel to Inception. Instead of using an Edith Piaf song, they're going to use this girl's audition, and it'll be much more effective because her voice is so screechy.
Returns Policy
1. God's Gift
Season: 7
Contestant: Tiffany McCambell
Songs: "Hallelujah"
Harsh critique:
Tiffany: My voice came from God.
Randy: Yes! Amen, sister!
Tiffany: Praise God!
Simon: He just decided one day to give it to you. Nothing more to do…just give Tiffany a voice. (The audition begins. Tiffany sucks.)
Simon: Does he have a returns policy? I’m sorry, but if I was given that, I’d give it back.
Randy: You can’t give things back! It's a blessing!
Simon: Well, I’d lose it then. This is not the best present in the world, is it?
Complex says: All bad situations have a silver lining; this girl’s singing aspirations may have gotten slammed into a wall and then tossed in a blender and puréed into a Jamba Juice smoothie, but at least now she knows what not to get Simon for Christmas!