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Despite society's idolization of celebrities like Johnny Depp and the Kardashians, they are far from perfect people. In fact, some of them are downright awful. To help them, and better the world of entertainment in 2012, we cooked up 25 Celebrity New Year's Resolutions We'd Like to See. Cross your fingers with us and maybe we can will these things to happen.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@TanyaGhahremani)
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Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell (Cut the Gimmicks in X Factor)
How many reality singing competitions does it take to drive us crazy? One, but there are three major ones on television right now—two of which are directly and indirectly courtesy of monster judge Simon Cowell—so you can imagine our frustration. This past year saw the debut of X Factor, the UK-imported singing competition, which joined reigning champ American Idol. In order to differentiate the show, Cowell made it incredibly gimmicky.
Even before it aired, the show was jam-packed with so much staged drama (let us take a moment to mourn the loss of Cheryl Cole's U.S. television debut) for tabloids to write about. Seeing as it's a reality television show, we don't expect it to be totally reality, but cutting down on all of the scripted parts (Does every contestant need to be a formerly homeless drug addict who overcame dyslexia?) would give the spotlight back to the whole reason the show exists: showcasing cheesy singing. At least in the first season of Idol, Simon was an asshole to those who deserved it.
And stop making new shows. Why is Idol even still on?
Amber Heard
Amber Heard (Be Pickier With Projects)
Amber Heard is the type of actress that everyone knows of, but doesn’t really know. She’s had memorable bit parts in a few major movies (Pineapple Express and Zombieland being highlights), she was the Guess model for a bit, and she’s pretty damn hot. One would think that, by now, she’d have made herself into a full-blown star.
Unfortunately, her most recent credits include underwhelming movies The Ward (with John Carpenter), Drive Angry (Nicolas Cage), The Rum Diary (Johnny Depp) and the godawful, now-canceled TV show The Playboy Club, and that just isn’t the case. And, if Heard keeps picking projects like she has been, no doubt influenced by what big names projects pair her with, it won’t be the case in 2012 either. It's time to find a can't-lose script and a hungry director who isn't coasting on past achievements so her talent shines in something worth watching.
Jessica Lange
Jessica Lange (Do More Badass, Bitchy Roles)
With the announcement that American Horror Story is going to open season two with a new everything, we can only hope that if scene-stealer Jessica Lange will return as a different character, it'll be one that rivals the bitchiness and badassery of Constance Langdon. If not—and this seems likely, because we can't see writers recasting her as a similar character to Constance so quickly after the first season—Lange absolutely needs to be cast in other projects that will how her to showcase her undeniable skills playing woman who can only be described as intimidating nutcrushers.
Kurt Sutter
Kurt Sutter (Be Ballsier)
Sons of Anarchy didn't completely disappoint with Season Four, but what was once a shocking show (we'll never forget Jax nailing Tara in front of her FBI stalker's corpse) has become sadly risk averse. Since the show launched, creator Kurt Sutter had been building towards a confrontation between Jax (Charlie Hunnam) and Clay (Ron Perlman), the SOA leader who murdered Jax's biological father, wifed his mom, and adopted him. When they did finally face off, a convenient responsibilty to the CIA meant that Jax couldn't avenge his dad's death.
And this is only one instance of outlandish plot twists and main characters ridiculously escaping from life threatening situations (we've lost count of how many times Jax has been held hostage). The whole making-a-character's-life-hang-in-the-balance trick works once, but having it happen repeatedly suggests an inability to be, well, ballsy—especially when Boardwalk Empire put two in the head of beloved lead character Jimmy Darmody. Kill off a central character next time, show us we should really be sitting on the edge of our seats when something potentially life-threatening happens to a character, because there really is nothing worse than a show that cries wolf.
"Dexter" Creators
Dexter Showrunners (Just End The Series Already)
In the beginning, Dexter was a great concept. A man who works for the police department who moonlights as a serial killer who satisfies his "dark passenger" by killing other murderers? Genius? He has a step-sister who's a cop? Even better! A network of friends and even a loving girlfriend who all believe he's man of the year? Sounds great!
Unfortunately, six seasons in, we're not singing the same tune. Though the intriguing concept is all still there, the fact of the matter remains that the show has been dancing around revealing Dexter's serial killer identity for so long now that it's become the How I've Met Your Mother of dramas; we almost believe they're never going to actually reveal anything. The end of last season did see some spark of hope on this front—though unfortunately executed, the finale closed with Dexter's sister Deb seeing him in the process of a murder, so the cat may be out of the bag in some respects next season.
But here's the thing: With multiple seasons to go, we already know that Deb will keep Dexter's secret. Rather than pussyfooting around until a time when waning ratings dictate that he be outed, we'd like Dex to be exposed to the world and have to face the repercussions of his countless homicides now (prison, losing his son and everyone else who loves him). And then just call it a series while it can still be remembered as remotely enjoyable.
Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney (Make Your Mind Up About Something)
The current race for the GOP is better than any reality show we've ever seen (sorry, Jersey Shore). C'mon, Herman Cain's candal? Rick Perry's near campaign-killing gaffe? Rick Santorum google search blues? It's great. What's stood out the most, however, is the fact that despite over 17 years in politics, Mitt Romney hasn't been able to be any less awkward or make up his mind about anything. Obama may have used the phrase phrase "Change we can believe in," a lot during his run for presidency, but someone needs to make sure Romney is clear on exactly what type of change Obama was referring to before he goes using that technique for his campaign. Hint, it wasn't changing your mind about things every two seconds!
Since the beginning of a new year is about fresh beginnings, we think Romney should resolve to try and make up his mind about at least a few things in politics this year and go from there.
Lake Bell
Lake Bell (Do More Nude Scenes)
How To Make It In America was one of the best shows of 2011, not only for its much improved second season, but also because of one specific cast member: Lake Bell. Though her character, Rachel, had her ups and downs, Bell’s topless scene this season was one of the highlights of the whole series. Though HBO recently canceled the How To Make It In America despite thisawesome revelation, we hope Bell stays the route of cable television/‘R’-rated movies in the coming year, because girl's got it goin’ on. Got it, flaunt it, that sort of thing?
Studios Executives Thinking of Remaking Films
Studio Executives Thinking of Remaking Films (Make a New Movie Instead)
One of the most popular money-making schemes studios resort to is rehashing classic movies or making sequels to films where the last installment was decades ago (looking at you, George Lucas). While it might seem like an alluring prospect to force feelings of nostalgia into the unsuspecting masses, attempting it will only have one outcome: failure. Just look at this year’s remake of Footloose.
That said…to all studio execs thinking of funding some new sequels and/or remakes—stop, you’re ruining it! Are there really no talented, original scriptwriters in Hollywood anymore?
Lars von Trier
Lars von Trier (Stop Talking, Keep Filmmaking)
Lars von Trier is truly one of the greatest filmmakers of our generation, and for that we will forever admire and respect his work. Admiring and respecting him, however, is a different story after what went down at this year’s Cannes film festival. During a press conference for his new film, Melancholia, von Trier decided to respond to a question about his German ancestry by claiming that he held some sympathy for and that he understood, of all people, Adolf Hitler.
As if that wasn’t enough, he followed that up by jokingly claiming to be a Nazi himself. Suffice to say, no one laughed. The board of directors at Cannes declared him persona non grata the next day. Though Von Trier has apologized profusely for his comments, claiming that he was merely being sarcastic and rude in the vein of “Danish humor,” we think it’d be best if he’d just keep his mouth shut and stick to what he’s good at, making powerful, depressing, artsy movies.
Michael Bay
Michael Bay (Blow Something Besides Transformers Up)
Even though they introduced us to Megan Fox and thrust Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in the spotlight, from a critical standpoint the Transformers films suck. The CGI and big-budget effects are spectacular, of course, but the rest of it is so bad that it's basically just explosions loosely threaded together with plot that feels like it was made up while they filmed.
Now, we love Michael Bay, which is why we have no hesitation when we say that he has to stop while he's ahead. It's no secret that he can make a great movie, so he needs to stop wasting his time with the tired Transformers franchise and start something fresh and totally filled to the brim with exciting, awesome effects in 2012.
We know they’re offering you a lot of money, Bay. But, please, be strong.
Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage (Don't Sully The Family Name With Crap)
Once upon a time, Nicolas Cage was a respected actor who could carry a movie all by himself (even if that just meant acting like a lunatic). After all, he is a Coppola! They've all got, like, special movie magic in their blood or something that makes them successful in Hollywood. Unfortunately, that was then.
Apparently, something happened to that movie magic in his blood or whatever, because his last movie, Trespass, not only got a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and landed itself on numerous worst film lists of 2011, it only made like $25,000 in theaters. Don't even get us started on Season Of The Witch and The Sorcerer's Apprentice. You're way better than that, Nicolas Cage! You have an Academy Award!
We hope 2012 sees better film choices on Cage's part, because this is the man who rocked the big screen in Adaptation, and it would be a shame if he turned into yet another E! True Hollywood Story in the future.
Steve Burke
Steve Burke, CEO of NBCUniversal (Bring Community Back)
How is it possible that a series that won a TV Guide poll for being a fan favorite, inspired an “Occupy NBC” flashmob, and stars both Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs is shelved while a painfully bad series with consistently negative reviews, a.k.a. Whitney, is still on the air? We’re not quite sure, and to be honest, we’re not quite sure the CEO and President of the shows' parent network, NBCUniversal, really knows either. Clearly, a strong fanbase is not the show’s downfall, nor is a lackluster cast (did we mention Alison Brie?). Plus, the series fits in perfectly in the Thursday comedy block with Parks & Recreation and 30 Rock. There really is no good reason for Burke not to bring it back. We can think of at least one show to drop if a slot is needed.
Alan Ball
Alan Ball (Cut Out True Blood's Extraneous Plotlines)
True Blood is undoubtedly one of HBO’s best shows and, despite some recent issues with the plot, it still remains so four years in. For 2012, series creator Alan Ball should absolutely focus on tweaking things to ensure the show stays that way. Some pointers, to assist: stick to two or three key plotlines in a season and don’t stray from them. Lafayette’s possession last season for instance, while funny, was not a necessary plot when there was all that stuff going down with Marnie and the witches. Also, the werepanthers have got to go; Crystal isn’t and never has been a remotely interesting character, and Jason deserves better storylines.
Additionally, while we understand that the show is supposed to be slightly campy, the CGI doesn’t need to look like it is—we’d like to feel like we’re actually watching HBO, not Syfy.
Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan (Be An Actress Again, For Real)
This one should have been a resolution years ago, but better late than never: For the new year, Lindsay desperately needs to get back into acting. Like, for real. We understand it’ll be pretty hard at first, seeing as she’s practically uninsurable by any studio—her antics in the past have made damn well sure of that—but by taking some legit low-budget roles, she can build up her credibility again. Right now, she’s gained a reputation as a class-A bullshitter; everybody expects her never to keep her word. If she really was able to stay straight and report to whatever role she’s able to get, she could prove that she is still even capable of holding a movie herself.
Lindsay’s always loved shocking the world, and right now, people are just waiting for her to fail. In 2012, she should shock us all by actually coming out on top for once. Leave everything else to the cast of Jersey Shore, who are actually paid to be complete messes.
Kristen Stewart
Kristen Stewart (Smile A Little More)
This one’s pretty easy. Kristen’s done quite well in all of her endeavors outside of Twilight, which is good to see because she's a legitimately talented actress who just got caught in a really shitty, albeit wildly successful, franchise. We can’t even blame her for that, either, because the paycheck was undoubtedly gigantic. No, the only thing Kristen should focus on in the new year is shedding her haters by, simply, smiling more.
She’s got a myriad of things to be ecstatic about, so that one shouldn’t be terribly difficult, right?
Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen (Start A Real #Winning Streak)
#Winning was one of this year's best catchphrases (followed closely by “tiger’s blood,” of course) but in the coming year we’d absolutely like to see Charlie Sheen go back to acting. Though in the beginning, his antics were absolutely enthralling, there came a point when #Winning just became, well, #Depressing. Was it ethical to follow and support the actions of a man clearly having a mental breakdown, or were we all really that obsessed with finding amusement in celebrities having meltdowns?
Charlie’s got two movies slated for next year, She Wants Me and A Glimpse Inside The Mind Of Charlie Swan III, which is great. If he keeps up the efforts, just maybe he’ll start a real #Winning streak—minus the manic-depressive breakdowns this time.
Anyone Thinking Of Making Another Ensemble Comedy
Anyone Thinking Of Making Another Ensemble Comedy (Just Stop)
Valentine’s Day was a cinematic travesty. From the ads, it looked so ridiculously bad that we were almost glad they’d made it—surely now that everybody saw how bad a film like that was going to turn out to be, they’d stay away from making any similar ones in the future. Surely.
Nope. New Year’s Day was released a year later, and, not only was it awful, it even did badly in the box office. Hollywood, please spare us the ensemble comedies featuring well-known actors who are clearly phoning in their performance just because the money's right. Instead, and this goes back to our earlier resolution, look into a bit of originality. After all, the bigger the risk, the bigger the payoff could be.
Kristen Wiig
Kristen Wiig (Make More Movies)
Bridesmaids was one of the best movies this year for more than just the fact that it was legitimately funny. It was one of the first good movies in years that starred a main cast made up of mostly females who could hold their own on screen. Studios have long stuck to the idea that movies need a male lead to do well—no matter how intelligent, smart, funny, hot, well-rounded a main female character may be, a script generally can’t be sold unless a dude is headlining the film as well.
The thought behind this has been that a movie can’t do well if this isn’t the structure, and Bridesmaids completely disputed that. The movie didn’t only do well, it did phenomenally (even better than Knocked Up, which is saying something), and the reviews were even better. Wiig is not only responsible for producing one of the best comedies of the year, she’s also responsible for challenging the norms in Hollywood and proving that female-driven comedies can do well and be quality films as well.
So, Kristen, make more movies. Just do it.
Taylor Lautner
Taylor Lautner (Take Roles You Can Handle)
The cast of Twilight has it pretty tough. Despite the fact that they each made bank participating in the franchise, any future endeavors they may decide to take on will forever be shaded by a Twilight Saga-sized cloud unless they do something drastically different from their roles in the series, and fast. Robert Pattinson’s done this with the upcoming David Cronenberg movie, Cosmopolis, Kristen Stewart did it with the Joan Jett biopic, The Runaways, and Lautner…well, Lautner tried to do it with Abduction.
It didn’t take.
The movie itself was clearly designed to be like The Bourne Identity for teens. Make the plot easier to follow, slap a young heartthrob in the main role, and bam, success would be imminent. Unfortunately, though Lautner aesthetically fit what producers were looking for, acting-wise he didn’t prove that he’s got any range whatsoever, he just flip-flopped between stoic and shirtless. As an actor, when your most anticipated moment in a movie is when you take off your shirt, perhaps you’re not cut out for the serious roles. Lautner would do a lot better for himself if he figured this out sooner than later, because there’s probably still a salvageable career in there for maybe the next few years. At the very least, however long it takes his 14-year-old fans to make it to college.
Studio Executives' Thought Process
Studio Executives (Create Trends, Don't Follow Them)
If you think remakes and sequels are bad, what about studios simultaneously releasing hot topic movies? From natural disasters (Dante's Peak, Volcano) to serial killers (Zodiac, The Zodiac, Zodiac Killer) to hook-ups (2011's Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached) Hollywood acts like audiences are allergic to original ideas. Are we the only ones who crave that with which we are unfamiliar?
Hollywood, remember: Audiences are smarter than they look. We all followed Inception, and that movie was an original and awesome mindfuck and a half. Give us something interesting and new, and we'll go to a theater to see it.
Producers of "Toddlers & Tiaras"
Producers Of Toddlers & Tiaras (Stop Exploiting Children)
Now, we love reality shows for the sole reason that it’s all literally mindless entertainment. People making fools of themselves on television for our amusement, the more ridiculous, the better the show. That’s the model for The Real World, and it works.
In the discussion of reality television, the topic of where a line should be drawn often comes up – how outrageous can a show be without being too much? The moment Toddlers & Tiaras first aired, that line was undeniably crossed. Exploiting children, creating super stage parents, legitimately creeping us all out…the show did it all this year. How are we supposed to watch something that is quite obviously poking fun at these children who couldn’t possibly know any better and giving the parents, who absolutely should know better, ample screen time?
Producers, give it a rest. The Virgin Diaries is better anyway.
Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp (No More Pirates Of The Caribbean Movies)
Johnny Depp is undeniably talented. He can easily play myriad characters convincingly and epically. In the beginning, his portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow fit this statement; he was fresh, cool, he had undeniable swag, what more could you want from the star of a motion picture franchise?
The films, on the other hand, took a sharp dip in quality after the first installment, and unfortunately never recovered, though box office sales were consistently strong. It became painfully obvious that the only motivation behind the films anymore was making a dollar, and that’s perhaps the worst fate that can be bestowed upon a franchise. Especially when the star is a perfectly talented actor with a range that rivals the greats.
With reports that a fifth and sixth film may be in our future, we can only plead with Depp to, please, pick more riveting projects in the coming year.
"Jersey Shore" Cast
Jersey Shore Cast (Stay In Jersey, Please)
We'll admit, the prospect of our beloved Jersey Shorecast in Italy for a whole season had us pretty giddy with excitement. They’re the least Italian of all the Italians in the world—some of them aren’t Italian at all! It had the potential to be the most awesome season of them all, and yet, it crashed and burned. Whether it be overexposure (we all knew about Snooki’s anti-climactic car crash months before the season even began) or just bad execution, viewers felt just as out of their element as the JS cast did. Clearly, their hearts were left in Jersey, as were ours.
At the very least, we hope the execs have learned from their mistakes and aren’t planning any more trips for the boozing bunch. Remember, producers: There really is no place like home.
Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake (Make Music Again)
We gotta give props to Justin Timberlake: He’s trying to have it all, and that’s worthy of some major respect. Unfortunately, during his efforts, he seems to have completely forgotten the reason he became famous in the first place: his music. It’s been like five years since his last album was released, as he’s instead been focusing on making movies like Friends With Benefits and Bad Teacher. Yawn. There’s even a video for a campaign calling for his return to music, which is how you know this is an urgent matter; there really is a kernel of truth in every good joke, you know.
Besides, a return to music in 2012 would really make for a fresh start to the new year, and no doubt Timberlake has enough inspiration in the form of Jessica Biel and the many other hot women he's run through. No excuses anymore! Some inevitable sequel to Friends With Benefits that sees the happy couple as married swingers can wait.
The Kardashians
The Kardashians (Take A Break From The Business Of Being You)
With the exception of perhaps the Obamas, there was no family more talked about this year than the Kardashians. Countless endorsements, a failed marriage, an endless amount of reality shows, a nip slip, an unplanned pregnancy…the list goes on. While it’s all well and good to follow the philosophy that “any publicity is good publicity,” there’s also such a thing as overexposure—and when the public is so sick of seeing your face on a daily basis that there is an actual petition to boycott you, it’s probably time to consider that your career may be suffering from this.
Kim is undoubtedly the worst offender, as the sanctity of her now dissolved marriage is still up for debate, but the rest of the family is included in this too (A pregnancy announcement on the same day that Daniel Craig, James Bond himself, denounces your career for being pointless? Oh, Kourtney.). Kardashians, consider stepping out of the limelight for a while, because, and we know this sounds crazy, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.