10 Ways To Tell That You're Drinking Too Much

Lead

How much is too much? We’ve all had those nights where we feel limitless, defeating everything the bar throws at us. No matter how many shots are consumed, we are always ready to buy the next round or take the next bar to hell.

But there are those other nights, the times when we have to be shown our woeful works in the harsh light of a hungover day. You wake to your cell phone ringing in a half-inch of party water (that unidentifiable shit left to stew in a red Solo cup). “Did you find the gash on your back yet?” Yellow, almost-jaundiced skin. Burned off patches of hair.

The real problems aren’t about the benders, but the patterns. Bartenders from bars you don’t remember drinking in know your name. Most friends describe you by your ability to drink. You feel more comfortable with something strong in each hand, so no one feels left out.

It’s time to tone it down.

Here are 10 ways to tell that you're drinking too much.

Bartender

10. The Bartender Is Your Emergency Contact

We can’t decide if this is depressing or awesome. Just make sure you don’t have any serious problems Friday of Saturday, ‘cause that’s when money gets made. Joe Bartender isn’t dragging himself away from a night of endless tips and relatively uncovered breasts to pick you up from the hospital. Is Bartender even his last name? Maybe someone’s ability to remember a drink order doesn’t correlate to being responsible.

Or give Joe power of attorney. Either way.

Tattoo

9. Your Drinking Inspires Your Tattoo Choices

No, we don't mean that you only tattoo yourself when you're drunk (though probably you do). We mean this. This picture isn’t worth a thousand words. We only have one: stop.

If you’re tattooing the logo for the lager you swill regularly on your bicep, this list was made for you. Only for you.

Dog

8. Your Dog Has Liver Failure

Champ has seen better days. His breed was never known, but now he’s all mutt. Brown, black, and white spots cover his body. Are some just stains? Who can tell? Staggering room to room, gut dragging on the floor. That tail hasn’t wagged in eight years. His bark sounds like a belch. When you run your hand over his hunched back, you take more patchy hair than you leave.

He knocks over all your drinks. Annoying, but he never wastes a drop. And what he doesn’t knock over, you do. Either way, it all drips down to his ruddy tongue.

The vet says he’s too far gone to stop now. Pop the champagne and send that mongrel out in style.

Wardrobe

7. Bar Swag Is Your Swag

Jagermeister hat + Milwaukee’s Best t-shirt + Land Shark Lager swim trunks + Milwaukee’s Best Light sandals = sadness

You want to look bad? You’ve done it.

Go out. Spend some money. Get your life back on track.

(For the record, the man in the surveillance still above is wearing a Jagermeister hat. He’s on his way to rob his second bank of the day.)

Flipcup

6. You Lost the House Playing Flip Cup

It seemed so easy, like throwing a soft ball into a milk jug. You’d been running the table all night, cups dropping with zero gravity grace. Is he kidding? Who plays for deeds? Still, this is your party—you can’t back down. So clunk, clunk, clunk—you’re homeless. Occupy the curb. Protest of one sad, sad man.

Now you’re living in your car, putting back bottles while driving like you’re leaving Las Vegas. Just keep your head down, you’ll get him next time. Might have to practice on the hood for a while. Wait for the engine to cool a bit; last time you melted one of the cups. The scrim that is the rim’s outline is a reminder of everything that needs to change.

Oh, did someone just say they'd play for pinks?

Power

5. You Power Hour to Relax

A perfect way to unwind after a long day of work. Only one shot of beer every minute. Amateur hour.

60 best songs from children’s cartoons? Not bad. Good follow up to the 60 most violent movie scenes.

"Down at Fraggle Rock." Drink. "A whole new world." Drink. Darkwing Drink.

Let’s get dangerous.

Tumblers

4. All Your Glasses Are Tumblers

Only one glass size seemed practical. Sit down, wine glasses. A perfect cocktail every time once you've memorized the pour. Oh master of volume, mix a drink for me. Give the pint glasses to the poor. Singles are for the weak; everyone gets doubles.

One is lost during each cabinet opening. There is glass embedded in your heel. They seemed small and storable. Stacks on stacks on stacks, a glassy Wall of Jericho. Are they reproducing in there? Every one that breaks is replaced threefold. You can see your plates back there, ten rows deep, but there is no way to reach them. Hasn’t been for ages.

As the old proverb goes, “You should be able to walk across a desert of broken glass, to make your way to the waters of life.”

We just made that up. Broken glass sucks.

Prohibition

3. Your Nightmares Are All Set During Prohibition

Flappers everywhere. You’re always staring down the barrel of a Tommy gun. Al Capone’s onstage singing with Al Jolson’s voice. A green light flashes in the distance.

And for some reason, you can’t drink.

There’s a big band on every corner. Everyone wears a hat. The streets are paved with gold. You grab a flapper’s hand, lean her back. Kiss her.

And for some reason, still you can’t drink.

You wake up drenched in sweat, relieved it wasn’t real. You head to the bathroom.

Recycling

2. The Neighbors Think Your Place Is a Recycling Center

Bottles everywhere. You have to walk through a mass of territorial bums when you walk out the front door. They bare their teeth like feral animals.

The city is citing you every day. Crack heads keep demanding money for scrap metal, and you can’t keep paying. You only have to make it until Wednesday. On Wednesday, when the men take the recycling while you sleep, you will be free.

Then it starts all over again.

Toilet

1. There Is Booze in Your Toilet Tank

Every time you flush your toilet, you hear that clink on the porcelain. The falling water level puts the airplane bottle of whiskey back to dry land. It’s reassuring to know that a stronghold exists, one last bunker that will not be overtaken until the rapture comes or the house runs dry. Whichever comes first.

Also, this facilitates drinking on the toilet. So much better than reading.