Lead
You’ve lived in your neighborhood 1, 5, 10, 50 years. You know the streets well. Bodegas might change ownership, the restaurant on the corner is always under new management, but everything is essentially static. And then.
It’s a slow change. Your neighbors’ faces look different. Who are you exchanging pleasantries with? Just keep your head down and lift your arm, maintain the status quo.
The neighborhood sounds different. The noises creep into your ears reluctantly, as if they don’t want to be heard. Don’t hear the change.
The vacant lot is now a community garden. Everyone’s drinking Fiji water. You see a puppy that isn’t part pit bull. The trains run on time. A man is eating a salad.
Here it is. Here you are. The gentrification is at hand.
Health Food
10. Health Food Grocery Stores
Two have moved into the neighborhood in the past year alone. The fruit loops have been replaced by French vanilla granola, the Mountain Dew usurped by ginger beer. What the hell is a kale chip?
Not that the improved selection of microbrews and fresh vegetables is terrible, but it doesn’t have the charm of a meal procured from the bodega, some mix of eggs, random meat, Skittles, ice cream, and coconut water.
Cellist Buskers
9. Cellist Buskers
No longer the turf of mariachi bands and doo-wop groups, the subway stations in your hood are becoming society gatherings. It’s nice to have someone class up the joint. And we’d pay to watch someone lug a cello down a flight of stairs any day.
Also, this upgrade from all those assholes playing “House of the Rising Sun” on beat-up acoustics. Next time that happens, we’re third railing.
Photo by David Resnikoff
Yellow Cab
8. Yellow Cabs
When yellow cabs and black cars drive the streets together, that is a truly integrated neighborhood. You know what it is.
The cabs no longer slow for those who might be lost, looking for a quick buck from those frightened and alone. If you can take a yellow cab away from your neighborhood, you have no need to. Welcome to the desert of the safe.
Cops Smile
7. Cops Smile at You
It’s a pleasure for cops to be stationed on your corner on a Friday night, with nothing to do but give directions and kiss babies. They flash their badges, but only to get discounts on their food.
I saw a cop drinking out of a brown bag the other day. When I asked him what was inside, he pointed out that he never asks me.
Cats
6. Cats Are Friends
We'd rather have a gun pointed at us than get mixed up with the feral cats forged in the depths of vacant lots. When a cat ambles up to the stoop for a friendly head pat, we just assume it’s a trap. Then we're already surrounded, holding a one way ticket to cat scratch fever.
These friendo cats know the score. They seen lolcats. Watched a few episodes of Garfield and Friends. Make a cute face, stretch, get slightly sarcastic, and wait for the fanciest of feasts.
Drug Dealers
5. Even the Drug Dealers Are White
He’s just trying to put himself through Columbia. Technically his parents are paying for his tuition, but he still needs weekend money!
Alt Country
4. Your Neighbor Is an Alt Country Band
They are roommates and a band. They love to practice. Your music is overwhelmed by nondescript strumming. You pound on the walls for them to stop, but they can hear nothing over their dreams of crossing America’s heartland on a nationwide tour.
Better hope they make it big, so you can finally sleep.
Tourists
3. Tourists
Here they are, asking you for directions. A historical sight? Snap a photo. A pigeon eating garbage? Picture time.
"Which way to a good restaurant?" they ask. We send them to Kennedy Fried Chicken.
Growlers
2. Growlers
The Cadillac of bottles. A bum who retrieves the five dollar deposit can keep the malt flowing and the tobacco burning for a good three hours. The growler can also hold a week’s supply of urine.
Prius
1. Toyota Prius
For every Prius parked on the street, the landlords raise the rent by a hundred. Sounds like renewable resources to us. THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!