Image via Complex Original
There are guides to help you navigate many things in life: finding the best food trucks in Los Angeles, avoiding poisonous mushrooms on your camping trip, and tricks to help you pass the GMAT. But, how about a little background info to help you make sense of the all the cute and cuddly things you spend an hour—well, okay, half your work day—fawning and cracking up over online? The Internet is stuffed full of silly pets, quirky animal pals, and so many cats, making it easy to lose sight of the fact that a lot of these little beasties are total assholes. You heard us right: sea otters are savages, dolphins are dicks, and your new puppy is probably responsible for the extinction of the Queen’s favorite breed. Your warm and fuzzies have been misplaced due to the adorable trickery of these monsters. Read on, and get hip to their game.
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Adélie Penguins
Turns out Happy Feet left out some key information about penguins, like the fact these black tie birds have a disturbingly ravenous sex drive. While at the South Pole, scientist George Murray Levick studied and recorded the sexual behavior of the Adélie penguins and his report that was so unsettling it was hidden for nearly a century. He observed that male penguins often force themselves on other males, injured females, chicks, penguin corpses, and even, when desperate enough, the ground.
Slow Loris
Remember that cute little monkey-sloth thing that Rihanna posed with on Instagram, leading to the arrest of the Thai men who were peddling it? Well, that was the slow loris, a protected primate in the country and, yes, also an asshole. Behind those big puppy-dog eyes is poisonous creep that can release toxins from each of its elbows when threatened. Once those toxins mix with saliva and it licks its fur, well... Rihanna, we hope you're feeling OK, because exposure to the toxin can cause anaphylactic shock and, ultimately, death.
Duck-Billed Platypus
The duck-billed platypus is nature's way of messing with us. It's a mammal with otter feet, a beaver tail, and, of course, a duck bill that lays eggs. We're not quite sure how that works, but it's cute and fuzzy regardless. Sadly, Franken-mammal is also poisonous. Males come equipped with a venomous spur on the back of their hind leg that is lethal to smaller animals and can cause severe muscular damage in humans. Don't be fooled by the fuzz that its got.
Dolphins
Do you know why dolphins have such bright smiles? Probably because they're trying to make you overlook the fact that some of their brethren are rapists. Dolphins will frequently harass a female and force her to mate—in gangs. But wait, it gets worse. Dolphins are highly intelligent and have social complexities much like humans, which could be why they've also been noted to force themselves on human swimmers with their prehensile penises. But wait, it still gets worse (and eerily more humanistic): Dolphins have actual names for each other, but they kill their babies—their named babies—along with whatever other sea thing they feel like.
Cattle Egret
It's long been established that swans are dicks, but it turns out, they're not the only nasty birds. Cattle Egret—the birds you see palling around with cattle—suffer from extreme cases of sibling rivalry; egret chicks often attack the youngest chick in the nest to death. The reason? Blame the parents. Not only do egrets actively participate in "siblicide," the parents of these chicks are believed to perpetuate the behavior by partaking in favoritism. In fact, the first two chick eggs have nearly twice the amount of testosterone and other androgens as the third egg, therefore carrying more of the parents' genes and becoming the "preferred" chicks.
Sea Otters
If you imagine marine mammal munchkins holding hands or playfully tumbling around at the Monterey Aquarium, we feel particularly sorry to tell you they've developed an unsettling habit of humping baby seals to death. Between 2000 and 2002, 19 individual cases of male otters attempting to mate with pups in the Monterey Bay, Calif. area were reported, 15 of which resulted in fatalities. So, take that into consideration before giving your girlfriend that "You're My Ot-ter Half" card this Valentines Day.
Chimpanzee
Chimps are lot like your awesome little cousin. And, much like your cousin, chimps go through intense temper tantrums that include throwing feces, pulling hair, and brutally attacking humans, sometimes disfiguring them for life. And, just in case you've watched enough Jane Goodall footage to think people and chimps can be the best of chums, think again. In 2009, Travis, a 14-year-old chimpanzee pet/child with no history of violence viciously attacked a 70-year-old woman he'd known for years, critically injuring and completely mutilating her. Oh, and there have also been four cases of chimps kidnaping, killing, and then eating human babies. Enjoy sleeping tonight.
Your Fancy Designer Breed Dogs
We're sure your French bulldogs, Pomeranians, and puggles are all sorts of adorable and would never cause you harm, but did you that they are implicit to the decline of the Corgi, and therefore a threat to BuzzFeed staffers everywhere? Britain's Kennel Club reports that, despite their royal favor, the stubby-legged and funny-butt-ed dog is set to be classified as a "vulnerable native breed" by January. And, that fall from grace correlates with the rise of popularity of smaller, foreign breeds. See what you did?
Siberian Chipmunk
These little creatures have been becoming increasingly popular as pets, but think twice before "rescuing" a pair of chubby cheeks from the wild. Not only will they take off with your trail mix, they may also give you rabies or Lyme disease in return. Not nice. Not nice at all.
Kittens
There's nothing immediately harmful about these adorable fuzz balls (apart from danger of wasting four hours of your work day watching them play with yarn on the Internet) just don't play around in their litter box. It's been found that kittens carry toxoplasmosis, a parasite that draws mice and rats to them (rather than away from them). And don't think you're safe: If humans come into direct contact with the kitty's fecal matter, it can cause men to become aggressive and jealous and women to become more promiscuous and self-conscious. There's nothing cute about that.