Image via Complex Original
Attempting to proposition a woman in a bar is like navigating a mine-riddled field: You don't expect to make it out alive.
Luckily, we're here to help you through the elusive process, and come out with not only your limbs in tact, but a phone number in your still-attached hand. Here, we expose where men continually stumble and show how you can avoid the same fate. Let their follies pave the way for your success: How To Pick Up A Girl At The Bar.
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By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
Check Your Vibes
I'm going to be straight with you, the odds are stacked against you at a bar. Even if you're a dapper dude with a job and his own place (bare minimum requirements, in my opinion), when approaching a woman at a bar, you're automatically labeled a creep. It's not fair, but it's an assumption that unfortunately comes with the territory.
With this in mind, make your best effort to delineate yourself from the rest of the so-called creeps at the bar. If you're tearing a hole in her jeans with your Cyclops-strength grilling, you've already lost. Contrary to what you may believe, we don't enjoy being appraised as if we're a used car. The idea here is to send a short, appreciative glance in her direction and smile while making non-ogling eye contact. It should say, "I notice you" not "I've just memorized every inch of your body."
Assess The Situation
Sometimes you're doomed before you've even make your approach. We don't want you to waste your time (or take an unnecessary blow to your ego), so please, take a minute to assess the situation before flinging your body into the fire.
Does she appear to be talking emphatically with a friend, possibly giving her advice or engaged in serious conversation? Expect to approach her and receive an irritated "shoo" look in response. Does she have one eye half-open and her heels removed? If she's had her way with Jose Cuervo, she may not be the best candidate, unless tequila-scented projectile vomit is your thing (please, don't answer that).
And most importantly, if she's lingering by a particular dude, unless you're looking to tint your tan with black-and-blue accents, maybe play it safe and seek elsewhere. A quick game of Clue at the bar can save you serious stress on the battlefield. Trust.
Don't Mindlessly Send Drinks
It pains me to say this, because I really enjoy the fruits of your misled labor, but buying girls drinks is the worst icebreaker you can deploy. In fact, I can confidently say the woman above is not looking at the dude panting about how suave he is. She may be smiling, but she's thinking, "This poor soul just wasted $16 on a cocktail and I have no intention of even having a conversation with him."
Sending her a drink is the most unoriginal, ineffective way to spark a conversation because it immediately indicates you're insecure. And, as I'm sure you're aware, even the slightest hint of insecurity gives off an invisible, anti-pheromone scent that unwittingly repels her. It reads as fear. You need to muster the confidence to make the first approach. No gimmicks. Just you, being you.
Say Hello
Yes, it's that simple. You need to put your self-assured face on, and approach her. Start with "Hi." If she finds you attractive, she'll listen to what follows. Sorry, but that's real talk. You didn't approach her because she seemed well-read, did you? Expect to be sized up on the same superficial level, at least initially.
Continue on your genuine tip. Make a joke about the bar you're in, like commenting on the DJ's insistence on playing reggae hits from the 90's: "Is it just me, or does playing "Heads High" automatically call a DJ's credibility into question?" Make it sound as witty and effortless as you can muster. If she cracks half a smile, you're in.
Chill On The Unsolicited Compliments
Much like the guy unimaginative guy sending her drinks, burying her in compliments gives off the unmistakable scent of desperation. Are you not capable of starting a legitimate, human conversation? Why are you telling me I'm beautiful when you should be saying hello?
There's also the much-mentioned point that women who are attractive are used to being complimented and therefore do not want to hear about how hot they look. That's complete bullshit. Women live on a steady diet of compliments, and require being fed them often. Even if she looks like a cross between Paula Patton and Kate Upton, she'll never tire of hearing how her eyes sparkle when she smiles.
The distinguishing factors here are quantity, originality, and timing. One or two genuine compliments delivered at the right time is plenty. Try giving her a simple compliment mid-way through the conversation rather than at the beginning, like "I wanted to say this earlier, but you look amazing tonight." Somehow, it seems more genuine this way, and is much more effective.
Occupy Her Girls
If you don't have a top-notch wingman on hand, you need to multi-task and play both the offense and defense position. That means maintaining her interest and also engaging the group so they don't drag her out of your arms.
When you're warm and friendly towards the group, women will get the sense that you are a nice guy with good intentions (hopefully, they're right in their assumptions). This will become especially important if they decide to leave you alone with her. If your character seems questionable or you disregard their presence entirely, it won't be long until one of them shouts out "Vamanos, Jets!" Seriously, there might even be an accompanying snap and everything.
However, just a word of warning. While trying to entertain her friends, never make it questionable where your interest lies. Tell the group a good anecdote, but reserve your flirtations for your object of interest. Flirting with her friends will make you look like a jerk, and worse yet, might prompt her not-so-cute friend to call dibs on you. I've seen it happen. It's not pretty.
Don't Use Pick-Up Lines or Techniques, Ever
We hate to break this to you, but there is a way to guarantee that you don't succeed: attempting to use a pick-up line. Not only is it cheesy, but there's always a sneaking suspicion that you've used the exact line on 10 women before us...that night. No woman wants to feel like she's one of many on your conveyor belt.
Likewise, if you take advice from some "artist" wearing eye-liner who advises you to manipulate a woman into sleeping you, you need more help than we can give. Women know about that shit, so don't try it. Stop thinking you're going to outsmart a woman with some sort of Jedi Mind Tricks you saw on MTV. Women can spot your game in no time, and yes, there is shame in it.
No matter what you've heard, insulting a beautiful woman is not a turn on. Trying to undermine a woman's confidence to get in her pants is just sad. Tease, but make sure it's done playfully, in a flirty way, not as a means of manipulation. If you're looking to be perceived as a challenge, try not seeming needy and being an intelligent, capable conversation partner. Trust us, that's enough.
Plus, do you really want to answer "How did you two meet?' with, "I made fun of her until she felt so crappy about herself that she went for me?"
Seem Interested In Her, Not Just Having Sex
Even if you're looking to have a one-night stand, there's something to be said for subtlety. For the record, mentioning breakfast at any point in the conversation if it's past 11 a.m. is not subtle.
She should never feel like you see her as a means to an end for your penis, or assume your only aim is to get laid (even if it is).
Even if she's down for causal sex, she won't want to feel like she's merely an outlet for your desire. Convince her otherwise by not overtly ogling her (as mentioned earlier) and seeming genuinely engaged in the conversation. Asking questions about her that don't revolve around the color of her panties is also helpful.
Keep Her Engaged
Once you've captured her attention (which is the most difficult part, so, congrats!) try your best to keep it. The best way to do this is by centering the conversation around her. She's not an egomaniac, she just wants to know you're genuinely interested. And, like in a job interview, the best way to do this is by asking purposeful questions. A woman discerns a lot about a man based on what he's interested in knowing about her.
On your end, keep the conversation light and interesting. The worst thing you can do when talking to a woman for the first time in a bar is reveal anything too intimate about yourself. Save that for your first date. Scratch that, your third.
Confidently Close
At some point, you're going to have to pull her away from her friends for a little one on one. If you've followed our advice, you should be able to slink away from the group and get some alone time in with no protests from her friends.
Rather than making promises about an elaborate date you want to take her on, or laying on some cornball shit about how you really want to "get to know her mind," be honest with her. We suggest saying, "I'd really like to see you again." There's something refreshing about how straightforward that is.
At which point, she will hopefully offer you her phone number. What you do with it then is up to you, but if she gave it to you, I can tell you what she wants you to do with it—actually call her.