The Internet, for all its faults, proves to be a useful tool when you need reassurance there are plenty of people out there far weirder than you. There are kinks and fetishes strewn across the web like a strange rainbow, and many of the colors are not even discernible.
Sex toys used to come in a predictable variety of shapes with easily perceptible purposes, but not anymore. Not since seventh grade health class has sex raised so many questions: 25 Confusing Sex Toys.
RELATED: The 25 Weirdest Fetishes Currently On Craigslist
RELATED: Interesting Places to Have Sex Before You Die
RELATED: The Greatest Songs to Play During Sex
RELATED: These Vibrating Panties Are Controlled by a Mobile App
The Internet, for all its faults, proves to be a useful tool when you need reassurance there are plenty of people out there far weirder than you. There are kinks and fetishes strewn across the web like a strange rainbow, and many of the colors are not even discernible.
Sex toys used to come in a predictable variety of shapes with easily perceptible purposes, but not anymore. Not since seventh grade health class has sex raised so many questions: 25 Confusing Sex Toys.
RELATED: The 25 Weirdest Fetishes Currently On Craigslist
RELATED: Interesting Places to Have Sex Before You Die
RELATED: The Greatest Songs to Play During Sex
RELATED: These Vibrating Panties Are Controlled by a Mobile App
Everything is illuminated
What: Oral Sex Light
Cost: $14
Buy It Here
Thank god they invented this. How else can a man be expected to discern the difference between her belly button and her vagina?
Insert Monica Lewinsky joke here
What: Peter Piper
Cost: $24.14
Buy It Here
Do you smoke this while it's being used, or after? And, um, what are you smoking exactly?
Don't honk the horn
What: Fetish Fantasy Series Clit Pump
Cost: $21.93
Buy It Here
As a rule of thumb, don't put anything that looks like an accessory for a toddler's tricycle near her vagina.
Designed to feel remarkably like the real thing
What: Jesse's Senso Foot Fetish
Cost: $17.09
Buy It Here
Foot fetishes are one thing; actually having sex with the INSIDE of someone's foot is another.
I am Iron Man
What: Njoy Fun Wand
Cost: $95
Buy It Here
Where does this metal-coated sperm go? Where doesn't it go? Can it get her pregnant?
Solar-powered pleasure
What: Sola
Cost: $69.95
Buy It Here
Finally, an Etch-A-Sketch for your penis! Wait, it's actually a solar-powered vibrator. What a disappointment.
Just add hot water
What: Cup Nude
Cost: $8
Who doesn't love noodles? This cup of "nude" conveniently comes with "gently acid lotion.” To liven up your lunch break, perhaps? We don't know where to start.
Get pumped?
What: Anal Explorer
Cost: $24.68
Buy It Here
For those days when using your arm to take your blood pressure just seems too...easy.
Fantastic Mr. Fox
What: Fox's Tail Plug
Cost: $11.90
Buy It Here
OK, we see where this is going, but why? Who out there wishes their partner's ass looked like they sat on Davy Crockett's hat? REVEAL YOURSELVES.
So discrete
What: Portable Glory Hole
Cost: $226.58
Buy It Here
Don't mind me with this 52 x 26 piece of plywood tucked under my arm! Oh look, a glory hole magically appeared on the dance floor! Don't cha want to stick your penis in it?
A new twist on a French maid
What: The Humiliator
Cost: $130.00
Buy It Here
Hm, is this for those who have a fetish for cleaning toliets with their mouths? That's our best guess, and we refuse to consider other possibilities.
Needs more facial hair
What: Mr. Jack with a Moustache
Cost: $19.00
Buy It Here
We understand what this is, but who is it for? People who dream of receiving oral sex from Tom Selleck?
Tastes like whiskey and disappointment
What: Whiskey Dick Lube
Cost: $11.99
Buy It Here
A strange way to twist an awkward moment into something sexy. Also, what type of girls find bourbon-scented lube hot? We're worried.
Eight-way pleasure
What: Squildo
Cost: $138.00
Buy It Here
Unless your girlfriend is built like Urusula from The Little Mermaid, we have no idea what she'll do with all of those tentacles.
Geometrical lovin'
What: The Cone Vibrator
Cost: $21.93
Buy It Here
A party hat for her privates? A pyramid? A traffic cone? Hell if we know, but it has sixteen different settings, and can double as decor for your apartment. Or not.
OB/GYN dreams
What: The Pleasure Periscope
Cost: $39.50
Buy It Here
Is this a StormTrooper blaster, or Princess Leia's "secret weapon"? Nope, it's a probe meant for exploring her "innermost hidden recesses." Let us know how that goes over.
Saturday morning cartoon sex
What: Elden the Faerie Dragon
Cost: $65.00
Buy It Here
Maybe if you were really, really into Puff The Magic Dragon, this makes sense to you. Maybe we're just not nerdy enough to understand why anyone would want to have sex with a dragon penis, or why his tail is also available.
Serious cyber sex
What: Real Touch
Cost: $199.95
Buy It Here
Is this for those among us who harbor fantasies of robot sex? This virtual-sex experience claims to "synchronize its movements to your favorite adult videos." Confusing, and fucking creepy.
Is that a garden hose nozzle, or are you just happy to see me?
What: Mystic Wand Attachment
Cost: $29.00
Buy It Here
We're hesitant to bring anything into the bedroom that looks like it can double as a gardening tool.
Like looking into a kinky kaleidoscope
What: Lotus Pussy
Cost: $88.99
Buy It Here
Labias on labias on labias! Why do we need so many?!
Lifestyles of the rich and famous
What: YVA
Cost: $3,900.00
Buy It Here
This Swedish sex toy is plated with 24K gold. The product description claims it's "perfect for that dressy but boring party." We still don't get how you use it.
Libido Whacker
What: Japanese Blowjob Machine
Cost: N/A
A word to the wise: Refrain from placing your penis inside anything that resembles a weed whacker.
Worth the extra two cents
What: Silicone Talon Black
Cost: $20.02
Buy It Here
This looks like a leftover pizza crust encased in silicone. What are we supposed to—oh. OK. Nevermind.
Ride it, My Washing Machine
What: Orgasmatron 3000
Cost: N/A
Buy It Here
Why sit on top of a regular cleaning appliance when you can treat yourself to a Maytag coated in leather with a harness strapped on top? No word on if you can actually wash your whites at the same damn time.