Image via Complex Original
This Sunday, March 25, the fifth season of Mad Men begins. What can we guarantee about the experience? Not much in terms of plot developments; however, you can be sure that something terrible will befall a character and that that character will then drink because of it. This is certain.
From death to birthday parties, Mad Men regularly presents the viewer with situations that demand a coping mechanism: alcohol. These characters drink, so much in fact that we took it upon ourselves to document all instances of alcohol shown on screen in Matthew Weiner's world—but that's another story.
For now, just enjoy these 20 Mad Men-inspired reasons to drink.
Because you're hosting a child's birthday party
Welcome to Don's daughter's birthday—what self-respecting businessman wouldn't throw his kid a party? Too bad there aren't enough beers in the world to prepare him for this. Building a playhouse? Doesn't sound like an ad man's job to us.
Only a fool wouldn't pack a flask when having to spend time with a bunch of over-caffeinated brats. Out of the way, kids, it's our turn on the moonbounce.
Because you're about to be fired
Pete Campbell, the fresh-faced account man, is in the Don Draper-doghouse for pitching ideas to clients. If you're scheming at work, you got to be ready for the pink slip. Make sure there's a fresh bottle set aside, because some serious drinking is needed to forget a firing. It might be your last day, so scream at your secretary. This might be your last chance. And it was always one of your favorite things.
Because you're watching political coverage
The office breaks out into a panty-dropping party for the 1960 presidential election. We don't care if it's debate, analysis, or results, the only way to enjoy politics is while hammered. If we aren't blacked out by the time a winner is declared, those winners will never be us.
Drink alcohol out of a water cooler for bonus points. That's how they do at Sterling Cooper.
Because your secret identity has been discovered
Is he Don Draper or Dick Whitman? Having a secret identity is a special thing. You can strut around with that experienced liar swag, women swooning over your murky past. They imagine a superhero or spy, not a war-deserting orphan farm boy.
Keep your secrets and hold your liquor, Don Draper. We'd be embarrassed to be named Dick Whitman, too.
Because a woman is crying
Peggy Olson, the first female copywriter the firm produces, hides out in Don's office to cry about getting the janitor fired. Is there anything worse than walking into your corner office to find someone crying? It's like having to work in the women's bathroom.
Be a kind man and pour two glasses of brownish medicine. It's the cure for what ails all of us.
Because you finally bought that Caddie
“There are few people who get to decide what will happen in our world. You have been invited to join them. Pull back the curtain and take your seat.” This is what Cooper tells Don that finally leads him to buy a Cadillac. Don's realizing the American Dream, and buys his Cadillac to show that he's a baller. That's why you buy a Cadillac—to show off. And when you can do that, you drink, because no one can tell you what to do anymore. Oh, and then you litter.
Because your dad died in a plane crash
When he first hears about the plane crash, the ever-slippery Pete Campbell chimes in with a crude joke about the flight's passengers. He is soon stunned to find that his father was on the plane, which makes his father dead. He hangs up the phone and pours himself a drink. When shit like this happens, there are no more jokes. Just throw one back and go tell your boss. And if you're business savvy like Pete, you can always try to find a way to make money from tears. Or at least take a few days off. Go on a bender, maybe.
Because you pissed your pants at work
Freddy Rumson was just trying to pregame for the big meeting and went a little overboard. If the embarrassment of having pissed himself wasn't enough, he also lost his job. Having worked together for years, Don and Roger take Freddy out for one last huzzah. Obviously, if you lose your job over anything sloppy like this, it's either off to rehab or off to the gutter. A few more drinks can't hurt at that point. You already embarrassed yourself, and really, how else are you going to break the news to your wife?
Because you're driving to the beach (to cheat on your wife)
While driving to the ocean to have sex on the beach, Don shares a bottle of liquor with his business associate's wife. On a list of the bad things D.D. does, drinking and driving is somehow not so bad, and if it wasn't for the car accident, it would almost be one of his best ideas. The thing is, if you're already cheating on your wife, you might as well make a night of it.
Because you got the office you always deserved
As the only female copywriter in the office, Peggy's job is often degrading and, at best, thankless. But she scores the Popsicle account and asks Sterling for her own office. It's not too often anyone goes directly to powerful executives to demand more than they're getting. And it's even less often that the execs agree. If only all the world's superiors would drunkenly piss themselves and miss important business meetings. Then we'd all have offices.
Because you're throwing away your inheritance
You always hear about fiddling while Rome burns. Well, this douchey boy-client doesn't play the fiddle, so he's going to drink down some fruity cocktails as he gives his father's hard-earned money to the boys at Sterling Cooper so they can promote Jai alai, a sport you've never heard of...and for such excellent reasons.
Because you're cleaning your pipe
Nobody smokes a pipe anymore (at least for tobacco). And just like pipe smoking, pipe cleaning is for sure a lost art. Because it's not easy. And since you can't calm your nerves with a smoke while cleaning your smoke receptacle (oh, problem of problems), you deserve to have a nip of the good stuff while you get ready to get your Gandalf on.
Take it from Kinsey—everything worked out for him!
Because you're in a dream
Look, even a man—like this man—who is the figment of another man's imagination needs his hooch. And this bad mother, Don's dad, or Mr. Whitman to your sorry ass, is no exception. He drinks his medicine from a jug the way Mother Nature intended, and doesn't give a damn what his farmer's co-op wants. Only thing that could take this tough bastard down is a horse kicking him in the stable while he's drunk. Which is exactly what happens. And no, that's not a spoiler; the man was dead when you met him.
Because you assaulted a German au pair
It should be impossible to joke about rape, though Republican congressmen seem to have little trouble. So, we ask that they please provide some witty comment for one of the show's more disgusting moments, Pete raping the German au pair who lives down the hall from him.
We're waiting.
Because you're reading Ebony, chilling
This scene is vital to Pete Campbell's character development. Look at the man: cool, calm, collected, hair slicked back, shirt neatly pressed. You would never know that he forced himself on a German au pair just one episode prior. Here we see him drinking to cope with, well, nothing. Pete is a weasel. He shows signs that he doesn't want to be a weasel. But he's still a raping weasel.
Because you had to take your medicine
You too would have a stomach ache if the Lucky Strike account was in jeopardy. OG Roger Sterling is slipping heavily in Season 4; this Maalox and vodka combination is just one sign. Despite how popular Mad Men has made cocktail culture, probably this belly-tickler won't see anything resembling a boom. It's fun to ride the carousel of bad booze dreams though, which sums up most of Season 4's action, coincidentally.
Because you're going to be with a prostitute
Though Don is a cypher of a human, a suit of armor (ethics) with impenetrable nothingness inside, he does relish a good roll in the hay. Combine that with a glass of neat Canadian Club, and you've got a great afternoon ahead of you. And see how sweaty the prostitute becomes? Don is good at all of his jobs. For the rest of us non-Drapers, we'd probably need alcohol before sleeping with a prostitute to deal with whatever strange feelings the experience brought on. There is only one Don Draper.
Because you blew a deal with the Japanese
Can you blame Roger? He had friends die face down in the muck at the hands of Japanese soldiers during his time in the Pacific theater of World War II. So, what else should he do when businessmen from Honda show up at the firm, looking to make money rain, but explode irrationally? And, after having blown up the spot, is there really some option other than reaching for the vodka? On Mad Men, the answer is always at the bottom of the bottle. It's just that the answer never solves anything.
Because you're on a bender
Perhaps more than any other reason to drinking offered by the show, this one makes the most sense. Don, after having won a major award for his Glo Coat commercial, gets on that Malcolm Lowry tip, ascending first to the highest highs of alcohol-fueled celebration before plummeting to the lowest lows of waitress sex and the terrible grip of pre-shower shame-terror. If you're on a bender, you drink. So, here's Don, looking horrible, on a bender. What's he going to do? Drink some more. This is the definition of a bender.
Because of Vietnam
It's the oldest (plot) trick in the book, Vietnam turning someone to substance abuse. Here we have a special take on the classic. Don cracks open a beer, not because he served in 'Nam, but because he's watching 'Nam on his TV. Have you seen the Errol Morris Abu Ghraib documentary, Standard Operating Procedure? The only rational response is to drink. Have a shot for watching the shithouse that is the world go up in camera-caught flames.
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See you in Season 5.