Image via Complex Original
Two days before the 220th anniversary of America's birth, Independence Day landed in the theater near my mall. My dad took my brother and me to the movies to see Roland Emmerich's expensive disaster picture. The feeling of watching two heroes, each with racially-specific catchphrases and tics, battle an invading force—I've gone looking for that feeling everywhere.
Seventeen years later, I've done a remarkably poor job of maturing, and am still looking for a movie to amaze and enthrall in the same way. Enter: White House Down, Roland Emmerich's latest attempt at blowing up these United States.
Cons: Olympus Has Fallen, a bad, bad movie, hits almost all of the same story beats, right down to the climactic race against a death clock of the MAD variety (hopefully that wasn't too specific to spoil an experience that, like the entirety of the Hostess product line, should be unspoilable). Also, no Bill Pullman. Also, it's almost two-and-a-half hours long
Pros: Channing Tatum, a daft unicorn of a man with muscles that have their own muscles, like an infinite chain of beefcake. And Jamie Foxx, all charm and Jordan 4s.
Like the invasion depicted, the film, for the most part, works. As a kind of '90s-flavored action comedy (the thermal-vision shot of a couple humping chastely in the missionary position near the movie's beginning is a shout out to one of the Under Siege movies, I think the sequel). But its the how of the matter—how they invade, how you laugh at Emmerich's spectact—that's more interesting to think about.
This is how you invade the White House. This is how you make a popcorn movie.
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Written by Ross Scarano (@RossScarano)
Wear a Letterman's Jacket
As opposed to Olympus Has Fallen, where... you'd just do a suicide bombing.
During the early moments of White House Down, shortly after Channing Tatum's character wraps up a conversation with a squirrel, danger appears in the form of a svelte and scruffy ginger in a letterman's jacket. We see he's up to no good because of his shifty eyes and the number written on his forearm in ink. Not tattoo ink, but I-didn't-study-for-this-what's-the-Pythagorean-theorem-again? ink. It leads him to a room and inside this room are all the tools to break into the White House.
Pro tip: Terrorism is #menswear.
Be a Racist
As opposed to Olympus Has Fallen, where... you'd just crash a plane into the White House.
As the left-wing retort to Olympus Has Fallen, White House Down mobs the seat of American political power with white supremacists and conservative crazies. They feel betrayed by their country, seduced and abandoned by the green light of American greed and want. Or something.
Why are they so sour and muscle-bound? Because of the Iraq War. Because of Afghanistan. Because too many black people work at the post office. (Note: All of these are reasons offered by the film.) If you're mad about, say, drones, and want to take it straight to the top, slap on a temporary Celtic Cross tat, start watching Fox News, and read American Sniper—the rest will come as easily as getting a gun in the state of Florida. Wetwork. America. Booyah, Grandma.
Love Cinema
As opposed to Olympus Has Fallen, where... you'd just kill a dog.
No, but really-if you want to get into the White House, you just have to pretend that you're retooling the POTUS' home theater. Slip into a comfy jumpsuit, fix your hair up like you and Jason Clarke are taking turns giving each other makeovers, and make it a Lean night.
Yes, that's Lawrence of Arabia the baddies are testing out when they switch on the POTUS' projector after infiltrating the big house. It doesn't matter whether Roland Emmerich wanted audiences to think of "Unforgiveable 2" when he selected British director David Lean's widescreen epic as the cover for fuckery in White House Down. All that matters is, "WHAT YOU WATCHING, HOES?"
Hack the Planet
As opposed to Olympus Has Fallen, where... you'd just be a North Korean.
Move over Boris Grishenko, step aside Zero Cool—there's a new code king out here hacking the planet, and he goes by the name of Skip. With the face of actor Jimmi Simpson (the McPoyle most slick with afterbirth from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Skip is the smoothest hacker you've seen thus far, and he's getting all up in those White House guts—technologically speaking.
Be like Skip and grab a lollipop to use as a calling card, nurture your hatred of the new iTunes set-up, and you'll be chilling in the Oval Office faster than you can say: "I am invincible!"
Love the Velvet Underground (or, Derp Derp Derp)
As opposed to Olympus Has Fallen, where... you'd just kill everything.
The easiest way to get inside the official residence of the President of the United States? Love the Velvets. In one of the movies many pop culture allusions, Channing Tatum's character is named John Cale, which just so happens to be the name of the Welsh experimental musician and founding member of the prototypical New York band. In the movie, Cale gets in, no problemo (he's also a US Capitol Police officer, but whatever).
For drill, though, let's say you aren't a fan of screeching viola and German models—there's still hope for you to infiltrate that fabled hook-up spot of JFK and Marilyn Monroe. If all else fails, just be the derpiest derping derp around.
For his performance, Tatum must've studied Die Hard, for he mimics John McClane's habit of talking to himself under extreme duress. But where McClane's one-way conversations were smug and cool, Tatum's are derpy with a lower-case d. (Remember, this is a character we meet mid-conversation with a living squirrel.)
Armed with a gun and biceps like glistening Christmas hams, Tatum's character pauses before rushing into a dangerous situation and talks to himself with a tone and style that's the verbal equivalent of a nervous cartoon character twiddling its eight fingers and thumbs while cartoon dust and stars move in constellations around its head.
This is Tatum's gift. Embrace it and you'll love the hell out of this dumb, dumb film.