Don't Actually Watch the Worst Movies of 2013 (So Far), Just Check Out the GIFs

The fourth-quarter awards season rush is a long, exhausting, and stressful time for movie studios, both small and large. If it's not an endless string of ceremonies and red carpets, it's the constant behind-closed-doors politicking that executives must do in order to keep their prestige films at the top of voters' and moviegoers' minds alike. Come January, it's time for a break.

The result: Hollywood's notoriously weak Q1 yearly output. Kicking off right after New Year's Day and extending throughout the end of March, the movie industry's wave of first-quarter releases is traditionally crappy—after all, January and February are prime time for working those Oscar contenders as diligently as possible before the Academy Awards get underway. The last thing any highbrow executive wants to do is worry about promoting another film as strong as, say, Argo. It's easier to just toss A Haunted House into multiplexes and never look back.

True to form, 2013's first three months saw several crappy movies open theatrically. Critics were given plenty of fodder to write hilariously scathing reviews, and audience members were left wishing they would've just beaten their heads in with baseball bats. What's that, though? You're a completest who tries to see as many bad movies as you can? Forget that masochistic hobby and simply click through the following collection of GIFs from this year's worst movies (so far). No human being should ever have to suffer through the entirety of Movie 43.

RELATED: The 35 Best Movies of 2013

Written by Tara Aquino (@t_akino), Matt Barone (@MBarone), and Ross Scarano (@RossScarano).

Release Date: January 11th
Director: Barry Battles

Yes, a movie in which Eva Longoria gets shot by Billy Bob Thornton and then hires some rednecks to go and shoot some beautiful women (i.e., female assassins). And yes, it actually opened in a few theaters. But no, don't even think about giving it a merciful Netflix rental. Life is too short.

Release Date: January 11th
Director: Ruben Fleischer

On paper, this star-studden look at renegade cops going after crime boss Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) in late 1940s Los Angeles sounds like a modern-day L.A. Confidential. In execution, it's a soulless big-screen video game further marred by Ryan Gosling's unintentionally humorous old-timey accent and more gangland clichés than a Rick-Ross-inspired struggle rapper's worst mixtape.

Release Date: January 11th
Director: Michael Tiddes

An abundance of uninspired fart jokes? Check. More homophobia than a Republican National Convention? Double check. Clever sight gags spoofing found-footage horror flicks that don't seem like they were written by a 12-year-old boy who just watched a Paranormal Activity movie? No, not at all.

Release Date: January 25th
Director: Tommy Wirkola

Those groans and dismissive laughs you heard in theaters when this goofily titled movie's ho-hum trailer played before much better films during 2012's fourth quarter? Multiply them by 100 and you'll have a sense of crowd reactions once the credits rolled after the film itself.

Release Date: January 25th
Director: Bob Odenkirk, Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Peter Farrelly, Patrik Forsberg, Will Graham, James Gunn, Brett Ratner, Jonathan van Tulleken

Years from now, Hugh Jackman won't even care, let alone remember, that he once co-starred in one of the worst comedy anthology films ever made. The same goes for Kate Winslet. And Emma Stone. And Naomi Watts. And Liev Schreiber. And Richard Gere. And...

Release Date: January 25th
Director: Taylor Hackford

Look, it's Jason Statham once again beating the snot out of nameless goons while wearing a fabulous suit! Check it out, Jennifer Lopez is underwear-acting! Wait a second, there's nobody in this theater. Why am I talking to myself?

Release Date: February 1st
Director: Austin Chick

Don't be fooled by its lighthearted rom-com title, which promises girls vs. boys-like games about who's got the cooties. Girls Against Boys is just two really pissed-off girls straight up murdering boys. Like, that is it. One day, they're normal girls who hang out, then they enter adulthood with a gun. This is some kinda metaphor?

Release Date: February 8th
Director: Roman Coppola

Chances are, when old friends Charlie Sheen and Roman Coppola chatted about this movie's script in either one of their mansions, they laughed their asses off. Too bad not a single joke connects on the screen in this superficially quirky dud.

Release Date: February 13th
Director: John Moore

What's worse: the fact that director John Moore scrapped all storytelling concerns for 90-minutes worth of noisy action or the sight of a bored-looking Bruce Willis thinking to himself, I'm getting too old for this shit, while collecting a huge paycheck? You're right, it's a shameful tie.

Release Date: February 14th
Director: Lasse Hallstrom

There is nothing else you need to know besides this: White People Almost Kissing, a novel by Nicholas Sparks. You've got it from there, yeah?

Release Date: March 1st
Director: Ed Gass-Donnelly

A horror sequel that nobody wanted, Ed-Gass Donnelly's scare-free snoozer abandoned the solid 2010 hit The Last Exorcism's found-footage aesthetic for cheesy CGI and tired demon possession tropes. Satan deserves better.

Release Date: March 22nd
Director: Makinov

The only good thing about this lifeless and pointless remake of the slept-on 1976 Spanish horror gem Who Can Kill a Child? The laughably "provocative" and enigmatic director Makinov's wonderfully pretentious "manifesto."

Release Date: March 22nd
Director: Vince Offer (yes, the "ShamWow" man)

Who knew that, while demonstrating the effectiveness of the Slap Chop, Vince Offer just wanted to make jokes about Asian women having irregular labia? Yes, Offer wanted to—gasp!—offend you, so he filmed a bunch of racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. jokes that'll have you feeling like you're huffing glue at the back of the middle school bus. You'll kill the same amount of brain cells watching this puerile exercise in comedy.

Release Date: March 22nd
Director: Antoine Fuqua

Maybe we were wrong, and Olympus Has Fallen isn't a quais-fascist wank session. Maybe it's really a parody of that impusle, and it's actually hilarious when Gerard Butler beats a dude to death with a bust of Abraham Lincoln. Maybe it's a new camp classic. Next time, we'll watch it stoned and get back to you.

Release Date: March 29th
Director: Andrew Niccol

To sum up the experience of watching this YA failure, just imagine someone heckling the characters on screen the entire time, except instead of the heckler being an audience member, she's an unseen voiceover of the movie. The obnoxiousness is literally embedded into the film.