Image via Complex Original
For those days that you end up overdosing on Vitamin A from too much kale, remember that there are other food options out there that don't include things like "vitamins," "health," or "nutrition-dense calories." Those fast food items are the great American way; fattening meals that keep you full for hours while you wrestle polar bears or go mess with the fragile psyche of an employee that's trying to "move ahead."
If you feel like binge-eating (or just food fantasizing), check out our picks for the best fast food items of 2013.
15. Original Recipe Boneless Chicken
Restaurant: KFC
Calories: 200
Price: $4.99
Still on the menu: Yes
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...the KFC Original Recipe Boneless Chicken. The new superhero of technologically-advanced fast food, KFC's Boneless Chicken is like giant pieces of popcorn chicken: just as crunchy and breaded; just as succulent and savory. But this time, without any sort of bones to remind you that you're actually eating something that's alive. Or rather, no bones to choke you out during your animalistic on-the-go chicken-munching and dipping. Chew on this though: eating while driving causes about 80% of car accidents. But, at least, your hands won't be as greasy on the steering wheel as they are with the bone-in chicken.
14. Jalapeno Cheese Corn Dog
Restaurant: Weinerschnitzel
Calories: Unknown
Price: $4
Still on the menu: No
Nothing is more summery than an ice-cold lemonade that could send you into sugar shock accompanied by a corn dog. The double-fisting action is perfect for a Boardwalk ramble or, if you're really douche-y, drinking and chewing while weaving around screaming children with your Rollerblades. But, as time goes on, the time-honored tradition of eating corn dogs at the beach can be pretty boring. That's why Weinerschnitzel's summer roll-out of a Jalapeno Cheese Corn Dog was the perfect solution to our blas̩ feelings towards the current affairs of food on a stick. The jalapeno shrieks spicily at you upon first bite, but just like any good phallic food, the cheese squirts out more towards the middle of the munching. Washed down with one of those lemonades, your face might be sticky, but it'll be worth it.
13. Big Waffle Stack
Restaurant: Jack in the Box
Calories: 655
Price: $3.39
Still on the menu: Yes
We don't want none, unless you got buns hun. Or, if you're a delicious Jack in the Box Big Waffle Stack. There's nothing new about sticking your other breakfast foods like eggs or bacon in the middle of two pancakes or two crispy waffles. Kids have been combining sweet and salty in what are often called "suicide breakfasts" for generations. But this summer, Jack in the Box brought this age-old tradition to the hungry mouths of American breakfast-skippers everywhere with the tag line, "go big or go hungry." Their ultra-large Big Waffle Stack is sausage and ham and bacon (yep, three meats!), two eggs, cheese, and some maple waffles, lightly toasted.
12. Deep-Fried Waffle-Battered Chicken Tenders
Restaurant: Popeye's
Calories: 340
Price: $4.99
Still on the menu: No
Ay, Popeye. There's chicken. There's waffles. There's chicken and waffles. And then, there's the next logical step; waffle-battered chicken. Louisiana-based Popeye's satisfied that Sunday soul food urge in all of us this year, with their deep-friend, waffle-battered chicken tenders. Although the chicken was "limited edition," it was succulent white meat "marinated in Louisiana spices" and dipped in sweet waffle batter and deep-friend until the juicy meat was surrounded by a crunchy exterior. The mixture of sweet and salty comes on a bed of fries and is served with what else but a honey-maple dipping sauce. The tagline is that "this is a meal that will make your mama shout," but that's because it's a meal we're not gonna share with our mama.
11. Mango Habanero Wings
Restaurant: Wingstop
Calories: 220 for two
Price: $6.89
Still on the menu: Yes
Looking for a fiesta in your mouth? Well, short of hiring some tropical sex pots to come over for an undisclosed amount of "roses," you could always satisfy your urge for something tangy and exotic with Wingstop's Mango Habanero wings made with 100% white meat chicken. While the fast food chain has tons of other flavors for their boneless wings like Cajun, Hawaiian, and the super-spicy Atomic, their new Mango Habanero flavor came out this year to moans of "que rico."
10. Buffalo Blue Cheese Crisscut Fries
Restaurant: Carl's Jr.
Calories: 740
Price: $3.59
Still on the menu: Yes
This isn't up for debate; Carl's Jr.'s crisscut fries are pretty much the best fast food fry out there. There's not much that isn't right about a crisscut fry, but it's also possible to make the well-seasoned, crispy little potato basket into basically the Holy Grail of all potatoes, ever. Carls Jr. figured out how to make us all fat and happy with a side dish that takes this sacred food and tops it with buffalo blue cheese sauce. And, if that's not enough, ranch. Because it wouldn't be a fattening fry rodeo without a special appearance by ranch. The buffalo sauce is made with Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Wings sauce, so the two creamy components really balance out the spice while the fry serves as the perfect vehicle to make these fries really out of this world.
9. Cheeseburger Stuffed Crust Pizza
Restaurant: Pizza Hut
Calories: 2880
Price: 17.95
Still on the menu: Yes
If you can't decide between pizza or burgers, Pizza Hut has you covered with its disgustingly decadent but completely awe-inspiring cheeseburger stuffed crust pizza. The crust is stuffed with little cheeseburger whirlpools, the kind that some surrealist painter would imagine naked pepperoni ladies lounging in under a sky sprinkled with mozzarella stars. You can get anything on your pizza to get accompany your beef patties and the whole affair (which is 288-calories per slice but 2,880 for the whole entire pizza) comes with a ketchup dipping sauce. The pizza is only available in the Middle East and in the United Kingdom right now, but we're predicting that Americans will cause a war if they don't get this fatty feast in their faces as soon as possible.
8. Sweet Potato Pie
Restaurant: McDonald's
Calories: 250
Price: $1
Still on the menu: No
Sweet potato pie isn't just a nickname that old Southern men give their platinum-blonde, lipstick-eating wives. For lucky East Coasters, Sweet Potato Pie was a seasonal treat that was unleashed onto the Western world via the benevolent hand of the great McDonald's. This crusty and flakey sweetheart is like perfect woman. Packaged with a buttery, attractive crush, in the middle is a creamy sweet potato filling whipped to a luscious puree. While it sounds decadent, it's not even that bad for you. At only 250 calories and 12 grams of fat, pretty much any other off-the-shelf convenience store pie is guaranteed to pack on the holiday pounds more than this limited edition goodie.
7. Sriracha Chicken Ranch Sandwich
Restaurant: 7-11
Calories: 560
Price: $5
Still on the menu: Yes
The Srirachapoclypse is upon us, so get your Diablo Chicken Ranch Sandwiches from 7-11 while you can. These spicy bad boys are everything you'd want from a convenience store sammie; they're spicy, ranchy (that's an adjective, we swear), and perfect for when you're not in the mood to boss your girlfriend around to make you something in the kitchen. Sliced chicken is smothered in Sriracha ranch sauce, topped with lettuce and tomato, and encased in the ever-trendy, always-delicious pretzel bun. At only $5, the Diablo Chicken Ranch Sandwich is perfect for when you want to mix-and-match your vices. Lotto tickets, porn, cigarettes, beer, and a yummy sandwich in one fell swoop; that is something we'd be willing to go to hell and back for.
6. Cinnabon Donut Holes
Restaurant: Taco Bell
Calories: 260
Price: $1.49
Still on the menu: Yes
Sugar, spice, and everything super bad for your arteries will having you running for the border. This year, Taco Bell rolled out little golden balls of doughy, gooey goodness with their Cinnabon donut holes. Clearly, the concept of "fourth meal" is super American and this chain restaurant isn't afraid to deviate a little from their normal "Mexican" fare for the sake of their clientele. Inspired by the Cinnabon donut holes you find at the mall food court, these sugary delights are topped with some fancy stuff called Makara cinnamon and loaded with Cinnabon's infamous frosting that makes housewives around the world barely able to squeeze into their Lane Bryant panties.
5. San Diego Burrito
Restaurant: Carl's Jr.
Calories: 570
Price: $3.99
Still on the menu: Yes
An old taco truck trick is to ask for French fries in the middle of your burrito instead of rice. The greasy potato soaks up all the dalliances of earlier that night and nothing can lull you into a blissful, post-Whiskey soaked night than some good old-fashioned deep-fried potatoes chased down by a full-sugar Coca-Cola. Carl's Jr. jumped aboard this DIY train with their San Diego burrito. In San Diego, it's called a "California" burrito, but either way, fries in burritos is just a way of life for most Cali hipsters. At Carls Jr/Green Burrito, their version has charbroiled steak, two kinds of cheese, salsa and guac, all wrapped up in a warm tortilla. With their new foray into twenty-four stoner food, it seems like Carls is trying to compete with the ultimate SoCal stoner hovel: Del Taco, which offers a beef chili and cheddar cheese burrito with their deliciously salty crinkle-cut fries. It's alright, friends. You're allowed to swing both ways.
4. Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich
Restaurant: Dunkin Donuts
Calories: 360
Price: $2.99
Still on the menu: Yes
"We've gone and changed breakfast forever" claimed the Dunkin Donuts website tauntingly. Here's the thing about their Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich; it's everything you really want from breakfast (greasy, sugary, morbidly delicious) and everything you don't want from breakfast (greasy, sugary, morbidly delicious). In between two halves of glazed donut sits a pepper fried egg and crispy bacon slices. You could wash this decadence down with Dunkin Donuts' famous coffee and not feel too bad about it; the whole thing is only about 360 calories. And while they're mostly empty calories regardless of the fatty protein from the eggs and bacon, 360 vitamin-devoid calories is okay in moderation. However, the perfect combination of bad-for-you and moderately-decent-for-you will have you craving these things on your most hungover of mornings.
3. Peanut Butter and Bacon Shake
Restaurant: Sonic
Calories: 1720
Price: $2.49
Still on the menu: Yes
Sweet, holy heart attack. On a warm summer day, the kind that inspire us to run through sprinklers, all we want is something frosty and freezing to pour into our mouths. Though it makes us want to knock kids off swings from the sugar-high, Sonic's Peanut Butter and Bacon Shake isn't child's play. This creamy and decadent monster was introduced during their Summer of Shakes to much fan fare, mostly because who doesn't love bacon and peanut butter together? It might have been what killed The King, but it makes us happy we're alive to slurp it down our greedy gullets. The whole thing is made with real ice cream, creamy peanut butter, and real bacon pieces and mixed to a super thick consistency. It's sure to bring all the boys to the yard; the girls bemoaned the 1,720 calorie "price tag" while secretly binge-drinking these at midnight in their cars. Bikini diet, this is not. But it's so much better in every way and with whip cream and cherry on top.
2. Rib Sandwich
Restaurant: Burger King
Calories: 450
Price: $1
Still on the menu: Yes
McRibs are one of the most consistently popular items on the menu at McDonalds. Maybe it's the way the McRibs are marketed as "exclusive" and "limited time" but every other fast food joint is looking for their version of trans-fat gold with their own version of the McRib. So, Burger King rolled out their Burger King Rib Sandwich. Just like the Mickey D's version it has a boneless rib patty, pickles, a super-sweet BBQ sauce, and onions on a toasted bun. Unlike the McRib, it doesn't include lettuce and tomato (which makes no sense on that soggy meat) and (at only $1) much better meat quality.
1. Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger
Restaurant: Wendy's
Calories: 670
Price: $4.69
Still on the menu: No
Despite the fact that Wendy's recently replaced their amazingly soft and salty pretzel bun with brioche, one of the savory stars is still their Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger. At a mere $4.59, the burger mimicked with almost perfect acuity the gourmet decadence of a gastropub burger. With the square but succulent beef patty dripping with honey mustard sauce, pungent cheddar cheese, applewood smoked bacon, mixed greens, and red onion sitting on top of a hand-cut pretzel bun, Wendy's bold move into the sphere of classic sit-down restaurant style meals made the pretzel bun the fast food hit of 2013. Made like one of those soft pretzels you get after three plus hours of trudging away at the mall during holiday shopping, this is one of those limited time treats that has been phased out for the Bacon Portabella Melt on brioche. The only unifying factor is the inclusion of bacon (which makes everything better) and the knowledge that the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger tested so well that it might make its way back onto the market in the same fashion next summer.