Image via Complex Original
April 15 is the last day to file taxes, and unless you're some super-rich dude or a freelancer who forgot to write off his entire life, you're probably going to get a refund check. Despite the fact that it's actually money you earned that was taken away by our benevolent government and is now being partially returned, getting your tax refund always feels like you've won some sort of prize. This makes it oh so easy to spend very, very easily. People are always talking about how they're going to spend their tax money on a trip to Paris, new kicks, or a night of hedonism, but how often does that actually happen? Most likely, you're going to blow your cash on something stupid, ridiculous, or absolutely pointless. With that in mind, consider spending your tax refund on one of these outrageous items—at least you can resell them on eBay next year when you finally owe the government money.
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Gold Plated Dice
Price: $600
Website: stampdla.com
These gold-plated dice are actually pretty dope, but totally unnecessary unless you're living life like Diddy nation. 18k gold coats these lovely brass filled dice, making them a lot heavier than normal dice. These dice can either increase your luck or make you wish you hadn't spent your beaucoup bucks on something that can be picked up for a few dollars at almost any store. Unless you're planning on gambling away your tax money at Atlantic City at your private table and you know that classy Lady Luck will only blow on something blingy, gold dice are impractically vain. But they're also totally hot and it's your money, so do what you want.
Solid Gold iPhone 5s
Price: $3,829.96
Website: goldgenie.com
Always losing your phone? Maybe it’s time you actually invested in something that you won’t drop in the toilet, leave on top of your car while you drive off, or shatter with your ass when your flavor of the month drops by for a booty call. This gold iPhone 5s doesn’t do anything different than the regular iPhone 5s but scream, "I have way too much money to waste on something that will be replaced by a newer, faster, slimmer model in the next year or two." That’s probably practice for when you become a rich old man and trade in your wife for a hotter, younger, less annoying model.
Louis Vuitton Card Deck Set
Price: $125
Website: louisvuitton.com
Pretentious playing cards are actually weird collectibles, and these French-based Louis Vuitton cards are no exception. Just like the purses of rich girls in the early aughts, these ostentatious cards are emblazoned with the ubiquitous Louis Vuitton logo. While there’s something dope about a designer playing card, it’s also cash you could have spent on designer clothes, which more people see (and are impressed by). But, who knows? Maybe there’s an off chance you’ll whip out your cards to play a loner game of solitaire and someone will notice.
Cannabis Flavored Condoms
Price: $95.89
Website: cannadom.com
If your girl is such a stoner that she needs everything (including your dick) to taste like weed, than these cannabis-flavored condoms are actually necessities for your day-to-day happiness. However, most chicks aren’t going to appreciate the not-so-subtle THC scent of these green-colored condoms from Cannadom based on the important fact that they won’t get you high. She’ll probably puff-puff-pass on going down on your Incredibly High Hulk cock in exchange for something salted caramel or chocolate-flavored.
Slap Activated Butt Light
Price: $1,160.25
Website: josephbegley.com
Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin’ everywhere. And all of them are lights you can slap to turn on. Remember the Clapper? This is the ass man’s version of that, only with a pleasant tactile sensation accompanied by a range of lighting choices. Chances are, if you’re spending your tax refund on a lamp shaped like an ass you can slap, you’re not the sort of dude that’s actually getting any backside to begin with. This novelty item might seem hilariously sexy upon first inspection, but it’s actually a grown man’s boy-toy and one of the last things you’d ever want a woman to see.
Dr. Evil Villain Chair
Price: $7,459
Website: firebox.com
You won't need one million dollars to buy this chair, but you will need a hefty chunk of dinero to own a piece of furniture that inspires your own repressed urges for evil world domination. Every awesome villain has a chair in which they sit and plot their psychotic efforts to strip all humanity of happiness. This huge piece from Suck UK will bring out your inner Machiavelli. The chair is made of a ton of padded leather panels in a cocoon-shape, steel, chrome, and the blood of your minions. It would look perfect in your living room, home music studio, secret lair, or on Craigslist when your malevolent plans fall through and your roommate kicks you out for all your demented cackling in your room by yourself.
24k Gold Rolling Paper
Price: $60
Website: amazon.com
If you’ve got money to burn, you might as well literally burn money. These 24k gold burning papers are made at that exact carat so they can be edible, and so they can cost more and give you baller bragging rights. At 12 rolling papers per pack, you can either roll one joint a month until next year’s tax refund comes through, or you can fire them up Jay Gatsby style and go full-on unfiltered luxury. It looks like a cool investment to show off at a party how rich you like to roll, but when the smoke clears, you’ll be wishing you’d just bought a premium vaporizer instead.
Jimmy Choo Coffee Sleeve
Price: $165
Website: net-a-porter.com
Trying to be the most obnoxious person to order a grande skinny vanilla half-caffe latte at Starbucks? Go green by spending your cash on a Jimmy Choo coffee cup sleeve. This example of class, environmental consciousness, and style can be topped by literally nothing as a demonstration of awesomeness. That is a joke. Yes, it’s your money, but buying a Jimmy Choo leather cup sleeve for over a hundred dollars just makes you seem like an asshole.
Zaffiro High End Razor
Price: $100,000
Website: zafirro.com
Shave off your savings account with an Irdium razor by Zafirro that costs 100k. Comprised of rare metal and sapphire blades, these outrageously-priced razors turn a mundane daily chore into a lifestyles of the rich and famous travesty of wasted cash. Instead of feeding children in some third world country, you could be spending your government kickback on a razor that was made by seven dudes in Portland, including particle physicists and rocket engineers. At least your razor will never corrode, so there’s that.
Zontik's Rubik's Cube
Price: $295
Website: zontikgames.com
Classic IRL games are hashtag trending these days, but nobody you know nerds out on hyper-speed solving Rubik’s Cubes like your older siblings did back in the day. That’s why this leather-inlaid piece of gaming history is a weirdly ridiculous way to spend your tax cash. You’ll attempt to play it a few times and then it will become a sign of your irrational opulence on your desk at work. Eventually, you'll brag about that one time you finally solved it and never divulge that you had to watch hours of YouTube tutorials to make it happen.
Linda Farrow x Jeremy Scott Hand Glasses
Price: $220
Website: nastygal.com
Creep on creepin’ on. If full-on, flashy lurker status is your MO, then I have to hand it to you—these Linda Farrow x Jeremy Scott shades will keep you stuntin’ in your delusional daydreams. Nothing screams try hard like someone trying to cop some sort of ridiculous style for a couple hundred, unless you have a photo shoot every five seconds like Lil B, and then you might as well just spend your tax refund on the stupidest thing you could put on your face. Don’t worry, bro. We see you.
Macallan M Malt Whiskey
Price: $630,000
Website: themacallan.com
Get laced with an iced-up bottle of Macallan in a Lalique crystal decanter and expect to pay a cool $630,000 for it. Sotheby’s sold a bottle of Macallan at that price to a private buyer. The Imperiale Decanters were only four in number by Macallan, but somewhere out there, you can find yourself the most expensive bottle of whiskey in the world and get the same sort of buzz you’d get on the well stuff. Proving that while the expensive stuff may taste better, your liver is an equal opportunity liquor lover.
Jimmy Jane Platinum Vibrator
Price: $495
Website: jimmyjane
To attract only the finest females, you have to show you’re man enough. And a real man isn’t afraid to spend half a G on a G-spot stimulator made out of one of the world’s strongest metal: platinum. The Little Platinum might be a gift mostly for the ladies in your life, but the silent-but-deadly vibrator is an overly-expensive way of sexing up your post-tax refund swagger while also making a sound investment in your sexual portfolio.
Solid Gold LEGO Brick
Price: $14,449.99
Website: brickenvy.com
Rather than spend your hard-earned refund on a brick of something that could get you arrested or blasted for a limited amount of time, play the game right and invest in gold. Your inner pre-pubescent architect will get his first rock hard piece of metal with LEGO’s 14k gold bricks, a rare treasure only handed out to German business partners at the company from 1979-1981 after they had completed 25 years of employment. Completely and totally devoid of any actual constructive use, both literally and metaphorically, the gold LEGO bricks are just a cool way to brag that your inner child has no concept of money, but has pretty cool taste in pointless bling.
Chocolate Lionel Richie Head
Price: $828.79
Website: firebox.com
Say you, say me. Say you have an endless love for Lionel Richie and want an over-priced chocolate bust of him sculpted and purportedly finished with the agile hands of a blind art student? This is not a trick question. Of course you do! Rich Belgian chocolate and about 9kg of it makes up the singer’s handsome visage. It would almost be a shame to eat him, but eventually, the soulful sugar rush will either have you rushed to the ER with the sugar high from hell or dancing on the ceiling like some tweaked out ‘80s aerobics guru. Either way, Richie will have you chewing on your Richie Rich bucks from Uncle Sam and thinking the cavities are totally worth it.