Image via Complex Original
Gorgeous floral arrangements. Expensive couture gowns. Diamonds for days. Disparate families coming together. Yep. Weddings are gross. That's why the only way to get through one (other than copious amounts of alcohol) is to find someone to hook up with. Let's be honest, no one wants to sleep alone after witnessing their friends exchange intimate vows of love in public. Luckily, lots of single men and women are at weddings looking for the right person to help quell their loneliness and burning desire for intimacy. Follow these essential guidelines if you want to sleep with one of them. If you haven't been hooking up at weddings, you're missing out. Get it right with these 20 foolproof tips.
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Hit the Right Note
If all else fails and there is not a single girl that is buying your game, try it on the wedding singer. These songbirds are dramatic, desirable, and total attention whores, so your best bet is to lavish her with praise. Put water or a drink onstage while she is singing. Chat her up on her break. Ask her what her favorite songs to sing are and request one of those from her. While she's singing "At Last" for the couple's first dance as a married couple, she might be eye-fucking you the whole time.
Milk the MILFs
20-something bridesmaids might look good now, but a cougar or a MILF obsessed with SoulCycle has kept her body in top shape, plus she has the age, experience, and sexual resume to keep you on her day and night. Divorcees and single mothers are also a) easier to deal with in terms of commitment, b) way more relaxed and c) looking for a good time to distract themselves from their kids and responsibilities. While a younger girl might be irrationally picky, a hot MILF might not mind that you're of average height, have a mediocre job, and are prematurely graying. She'll probably just see a hot dude with style and game that wants to get down later on that night. That is, if you're playing your cards right.
Phone a Friend
Attached or single, everything's fair game at a wedding (within reason—hands off the bride!). But if you're having a hard time guessing who might be into getting down with you later on, utilize the help of a friend in the know. Like, what does Jessica like to do? What does Jessica do for a living? Would Jessica want a piece of you? A good friend has your back in the boning department.
Anticipate Her Needs
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart is through her inner goddess. Every woman likes to be worshipped but they also like a bad boy. You can't coddle her, but you can show her that you're thoughtful—to a point. Some ways of being thoughtful include getting her drinks so she doesn't have to stand in the open bar line, pulling her chair out for her, walking her to her taxi, or offering your jacket. These seem like moves from classic movies, but they are also just super classy moves.
Bring a Flask
Don't be this person if you're not this person, but if you are this person, you might become every edgy babe's best friend by the end of the wedding. Some weddings are wine-and-beer-only-affairs while others have crazy-crowded bar lines. Having the ability to turn up when you need to could be key. Plus you can share it with someone special.
Hit on Everyone
Diversify your portfolio, but do it in a way that's not totally obvious. If you hit on everyone, including 88-year-old Marcia in the wheelchair and Marcia's almost catatonic sister Myrna, no one will notice that you're always sleazing out on five girls all at once. It will just seem like you are one of those friendly, flirty dudes that makes every girl feel beautiful. Common sense says you should specialize your attention, but common sense is wrong. Unless you are looking for the love of your life, the surefire tactic to sinning on someone else's wedding night is to make it seem like you are so casual and charming that everyone gets to partake in a piece of your fun. Girls think that's super cute.
Don't Be Too Aggressive
Maybe the maid of honor has a killer rack, but keep your hands (and eyes) off the prize. There's nothing hot about someone who lacks subtley or tact and your obvious attempts will just prove to the other girls you might be macking on that you are just out for sex and have no discernible boundaries. Even if it's true that you are merely a perv, no one needs to know that until you get them in bed and/or they get to the three month point in a relationship with you. Kill the ladies with kindness, not creepiness.
If You Have to Give a Toast, Don't Suck
There is nothing more awkward than giving a toast and totally blowing. Toasts are generally mood killers, so try to stay away from them, but if you must give a speech make sure you keep it short, sweet, and sophisticated. If you're not funny, don't be funny. Be sincere, honest, earnest, and mildy entertaining. Emphasize how beautiful the bride is and how you can't wait until you're lucky enough to find someone like her. Don't reference any wild nights in Vegas and don't make yourself seem like the douchetastic wingman. Keep it simple and everyone will think you are even hotter for letting them get back to their boozing and cruising.
Know Where You're Going at the End of the Night
For the old people, the children, and the normaloids, there's usually an early out on weddings. At 10 p.m., everyone is being ushered out and into cabs, so know where you are going at the end of the night. Have all the logistics worked out. Will their be an after party? Can you host the after party in your hotel room? Having concrete ideas when everyone is buzzed and ready to keep going will not only make you the ringleader that everyone goes to, but give you a chance to mold sexy situations. If you want to be close to your bed in case that flip is switched from saucy to sultry, you can always host something in your suite.
Come Early
Coming early to a wedding might suck, but its better to be there during the ceremony than to just show up and be that prick that only eats the free food and partakes in the open bar without the loving vibes of the ceremony. Plus, coming early is the fastest way to do a babe reconnaissance. Checking out viable partners during the daylight cocktail hour, when everyone is relatively sober and their make-up is still intact. Find a few chicks and figure out what their deal is: Are they in a relationship? Do they have a wing girl? Will they get toasty later? Can you find a way to charm them? Sure, it's a form of manipulation, but don't feel too guilty. Most relationships are formed this way.
Don't Get Wasted
Drink. You should drink. A fine Bourbon. A Manhattan. A glass of champagne to toast. But keep your drinking paced and classy. Don't start doing Patron shots with the boys and end up puking in the bushes. Everyone else might get wasted, but you should just keep a steady buzz. Something that maintains a sense of fun and relaxation, but that won't cause you to get aggro, grabby, or whiskey dick later on in the hotel room. Sweaty, drunk, and wonky-eyed is a good look when you're getting crazy with your bros, but that look is like babe kryptonite.
Pamper Yourself
When girls are getting ready for a big event, they spend a few weeks trying to kill those last five pounds, waxing, getting their hair done, their nails done, lingering spa days with facials, massages, stone wraps, and other stuff that sounds almost kinky. Dudes just smack their face with aftershave and think they're stunting. But treating yourself to some luxurious quality time will give you a special and relaxed glow that will seep into your interactions with the ladies. Drink some scotch while getting a pedicure. A man that seems like he knows how to take care of himself is super hot and a prime target for a bridesmaid with an agenda.
Offer Her Alternatives
Weddings can be boring, frustrating and emotional. If you've got your eye on one honey and she seems like she's ready to pass out in her hotel room while watching House Hunters, play a game with her and offer her an alternative to the total drag that some weddings can be. "Fuck, marry, kill" is a good one (and it will also give you a chance to asses her taste in dudes). If you're at a large venue, grab her hand and go wandering, trying to cause teenage mischief. Maybe you'll even find a spot to make out. Girls like a guy that appeals to her sense of adventure. Even if you're just that sort of dude for only one night, make her feel magical and transported. Or just steal a bottle of champagne and drink it under the stars.
Make Sure to Dress Fly
It's hard out there for a pimp. But, it's even harder out there for a dude with absolutely no style. Depending on the level of dressiness, invest in a great suit. Unless you are on some jealousy-inducing Hugo Boss discount game, we're talking somewhere in the thousands. While that number seems steep, this suit will last you for the rest of your life as long as you stay relatively the same size. It can be tailored to fit your body perfectly and you can mix it up with different color button downs, ties, and a fine Italian leather shoe.
Even if you don't spend a lot of money, always pay attention to the fit of your clothing and your shoe. According to an unofficial tally of my friends' sexual proclivities, those are the number one things that women notice when they are sizing you up for procreation and baller status. Once you've got that under control, make sure you smell amazing. Not just something every bro is sporting, but a musky, warm cuddly signature scent. This may seem superficial, but so many dudes are lacking in this department that a girl will definitely notice when you pay attention to those subtle details.
Be in the Right Place at the Right Time
Location, location, location. Plant yourself by the Open Bar. Mingle with the little old ladies on the dancefloor (chicks think dudes that dance with grandmas are hot). If there's a church ceremony, plant yourself towards the front and towards the aisle where everyone can scope you out. Did the hosts screw up the assigned seating, putting you with a bunch of couples where the scorned girlfriends are side-eyeing their men in matrimonial desperation? Pick up your drink and make the rounds. Shake some hands. Put yourself in all the places the girls will be and once you figure that out, stay there. Don't be too obvious about it though. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but proximity makes the drunk girl way more likely to drag you onto the dancefloor for a slow dance.
Play It Cool
Awesome, all your tactics are working. But don't get too excited otherwise you'll reek of desperation. Stay charming, but don't suddenly get shy and say something awkward and confusing. Don't pretend you're "too cool" because that's even worse than fumbling your words. Just be normal, natural, and, most importantly, yourself. Part of Don Draper's consummate cool (and the way he snags all the retro THOTS) is that he gives zero fucks. Or he used to. Now he's slipping and see what losing your cool does to a man? It ruins your life. Stay cool, friend.
Don't Be Too Cool to Dance
Even if you don't dance, attempt to dance. Practice a signature move before you go, or better yet, just show up and be an idiot. 80 percent of the dance floor consists of all the single ladies hoping someone will put a ring on it. Watching couples get all goo-goo eyed is super depressing for these ladies that tried to look their hottest ever, so even if you can't tootsie roll, being the dork that makes his way onto the dancefloor will result in guaranteed good will.
Don't Bring a Date
This should be pretty common sense. If you want a girl to think you are single, don't bring your sister, cousin, or best girl friend that you dated briefly in high school but had no sexual chemistry with. You're just setting yourself up for failure. Looking like a confident, sexy, single guy is key.
Think Locally, Not Globally
That bridesmaid in the hot pink bandage dress looks like she does pilates, pole dancing, and crossfit simultaneously, but chances are she's either a) taken, b) not interested in your mediocre monetary situation. If you really want to score at a wedding, you can't think big picture, like who you'd want to show off to your friends as wifey arm candy, but who would want to get down to "Pony" at your personal after party. So, she's awkward, has braces, or gives off Crystal Fairy vibes. Gauge how well she moves on the floor to cheese-ball wedding disco and if she can drop it like its hot, go for it.
Bring Out Her Inner Party Animal
Weddings might make some women sappy, but champagne, hormones, and societal pressure can also make some women summon forth their 23-year-old vodka-soda party animal. Sure, some people will want you to class it up, but weddings can inspire major feels about gross topics like getting old, getting boring, and getting shackled to one person. Some sorority-approved pink champagne and the feeling like she's in college again might score you some major scamming points.