Image via Complex Original
Doing the dirty is a natural and beautiful part of human existence. But some humans take the beautiful out of the equation, allowing their desires to drive them to do awful things. When you get drunk and try to stick your genitals in a SUV, police tend to intervene. A sober attempt at grand theft to support your adult film addiction also sets off alarms, actually and metaphorically.
This list isn't about noise complaints from the neighbors or humping in the park. These are 20 of the most unbelievable sex crimes ever committed, and they range from somewhat hilarious to completely upsetting. Who knew bestiality could turn vehicular?
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Father Caught Having Sex With an SUV
This is your brain on alcohol. Well, hopefully not your brain, because getting caught with your penis in the grill of a Land Rover is not something that can be explained with "took 20 shots last night wooo" #hookedupwithacar #yolo." And he has kids. Shame.
[via Telegraph]
Man Sucks Strangers' Toes in Walmart
Fetishes are reserved for the bedroom where a trusting partner will withold all judgement. And, definitely best to keep out of Walmart. The women of Grovetown's Walmart were subjected by unwanted sexual activity by mega-creep Joey Leaphart. Leaphart duped women into believing he'd dropped something under their feet, and then proceeded to lick their toes. Instead of feigning remorse or guilt or shame or anything a normal person would feel, Leaphart allegedly yelled out "It tasted so good, though."
[via NBC 26]
Man Padlocks Girlfriend's Jeans to Stop Her From Cheating
If you think you and your girl have trust issues, you are Bey and Jay strong in comparison to this couple. A man in Mexico so worried about cheating that he padlocked his girl's jeans so she couldn't unbutton them. Eventually she called the police due to the "excruciating pain" she was experiencing after being unable to use the bathroom for the entire day. What's worse, she refused to cut off the jeans out of fear of her boyfriend retaliating. Sounds like couple's therapy is in order.
[via Orlando Sentinel]
Man Exorcises Woman's Vagina With His Penis
The headline alone sounds like adult material from the dark side of the interweb and it only gets worse. Scene 1: A Xin hires Huang Jianjun to give her advice on getting her boss to like her. Scene 2: Xin agrees to meet Jianjun in a hotel room and strips after he tells her she needs an "examination." Scene 3: Jianjun convinces Xin to have sex with her by saying the ghosts in her vagina are the barrier between her and her boss' love, and his penis is the only thing that can trap them. Five points for creativity but those are immediately retracted for Jianjun being unbelievably gross and manipulative and calling himself a "ghostbuster." Who you gonna call? The police, which is exactly what Xin did.
[via globaltimes.cn]
Man Throws His Sperm on Women
Frank J. Short proved he had no regard for deceny when he threw his own semen at a women's back in a Walmart because he thought she was attractive. Short tried to pretend he accidentaly sneezed on the women, but eventually admitted that he did it for the "thrill."
Man Steals Church Computer to Watch Adult Films
The Candy Crush app showed us all how dangerous addiction can be. But Troy Ridling showed us that addiction can land you in jail. Ridling wanted to watch smutty stuff so badly that he stole a computer from his old church. Fortunately, this not-so-good-samaritan got caught shortly after by tracking software installed on the computer. Ridling now resides in a Tulsa jail where he undoubtedly struggles to find himself in real life sex situations.
[via krmg.com]
Man Banned From Every Farm in England After Having Sex with a Goat
Who knew it was possible to be banned from a farm, let alone every farm in an entire country? Robert Newman now does. Newman admitted to having sex with a goat and was placed on court order to stay indoors from 7 a.m to 7 p.m, and, thankfully for animals everywhere, the 23 year old was forced to stay away from farms and their inhabitatants.
[via IB Times]
Wife Gets Husband to Shoot Neighbor After "Telepathic Rape"
We've all done crazy things for love: blow rent checks on gifts, get names tattooed (word to boy Kardashian), or moved across the country. Keeping crime off that list is a given for most people, but when it comes to matters of the heart, who can judge? We can. And we are. Especially in the case of this Utah woman who convinced her husband to shoot their neighbor twice in the back after he "telepathically raped" her multiple times. We're not even sure what that means, but we're entirely sure the poor guy who got shot did not deserve his cruel fate.
[via City Pages]
Man Films Up Girls' Skirts With Hidden Camera Watch
Use technology for good and not evil like this Japanese James Bond wannabe. Hirotaka Kikuchi was caught using two watches equipped with hidden cameras to film up girls' skirts from underneath a staircase. In a classic case of street smarts vs. book smarts, Kikuchi was smart enough to set up the voyeur contraption but dumb enough to film himself setting it up. He was caught and is now in the hands of Japanese authorities.
[via rocketnews24.com]
Bike Rider Robs Purses and Grabs Butts
Living in a city, one becomes hyper aware of where and when they might get robbed. But no one is ever ready for their butt to be grabbed. One bike rider decided to throw a new twist on the purse snatching game by groping women's butts right before grabbing the handbag. And by new, we mean disgusting. We hope this man is brought to justice.
[via dotnews.com]
Three Women Steal Sperm
How many horror movies does Hollywood need to make before we all understand that hitchiking always ends badly? Three Zimbabwean women raped hitchhiking men to collect their sperm for rituals. They drugged the men, forced them into sex with all three of them, and then collected their sperm in condoms. Cops found thirty-one semen filled condoms during the raid. It's still a little unclear what these rituals were for, but we doubt anything good, besides children, could come from all that sperm.
[via The Guardian]
Man Brands His Initials on Girlfriend's Vagina and Engages in Bestiality Shortly After
How Not To Learn a Lesson 101, taught by Christopher Jackson. 1. Drug your girlfriend and brand her "vaginal area" with your initials while she is unconscious. 2. Get caught, get arrested, get released. 3. Film sex acts between your dog and a female friend. 4. Get caught, get arrested, and don't get realeased. Congratulations, you passed.
[via Huffington Post]
Man Masturbates in Library Parking Lot, Says He Was Shaving
Some people have a thing for girls who read books and some people just have a thing for books. We're guessing the latter was the case for this Oregon man, who was found jerking off in his car outside a library. Robert Leatherman tried to deny the act after being caught, saying he was shaving. The smell of old pages and smudged ink just does something to a guy.
[via kptv.com]
Man Rapes Wounded Cow With Coconut Oil Lube
Cows are creature deserving of incredible love for the delicious burgers and steak that they bless our world with. But not this kind of love. Never this kind of love. One man did not understand the line between healthy appreciation and straight up inappropriate and had sex with a female cow using coconut oil as lube. Even worse, the cow was injured during the act, and later died. Heartbreaking.
[via punjabspectrum.net]
Man Slashes Women's Butts at the Mall
The DMV. Home to Wale, Stadium Strip Club and go-go music. The nation's capital, and surrounding 'burbs, have a lot to be proud of, but there always has to be someone that gets the party shut down. Meet that person, Johnny Guillen Pimentel, who was arrested for slashing women's butts on mutliple occasions in a Northern Virginia mall. Pimentel snuck up on unsuspecting female shoppers and cut their bottoms with a razor or box cutter. Unsuprisingly, Pimentel is expected to be jailed for the alleged nine counts of assault.
[via Huffington Post]