Image via Complex Original
Written by Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick)
There are many celebrities who use social media to wax poetic about life, love, sex, and the pursuit of happiness and profit, but few luminaries have been as successful with their faux-deep musings as singer-actor-pseudo-self-help-guru Tyrese. He might be the arch-rival of Dictionary.com, and yet he is a New York Times best-selling author, gets co-signs from Oprah, and is constantly retweeted by followers that look to him as some sort of singing Dahlia Llama. Clearly, people love to hear what the man has to say.
In The World According To Tyrese, I examine how the entertainer has famously used Twitter to opine on some of the biggest issues of our time—including butt shots, lesbians, African Mandingo Warriors, and powerful Asians. Get ready to be educated. Or, you know, not so much.
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Let God Be Your Optometrist
According to the self-processed "Vision Implementer," if you're obedient to the visions of love God sends you, you will be infinitely blessed. And one assumes if Tyrese is a vision implementer as advertised, God uses Tyrese to help spread the knowledge—despite him often being Stevie Wonder to correct spelling and Helen Keller to reason. Maybe God has cataracts?
Do You Turn YOU On?
If you don't turn yourself on with your sex game, how do you expect to keep someone else always willing to play? So you know, figure that out. How? Uh...make a sex tape and study it?
Always Carry Your Ghetto Hot Sauce With You
You can take the person out of the hood, but, in the end, the hood is always in you. Kind of like that bottle of hot sauce your home girl keeps in her purse. I mean, it's best to keep with you for emergencies anyway, right?
Frenemies Are A Waste Of Time
You don't like them, they don't like you. So why are you even bothering having drinks with that person? Tyrese demands answers.
Go Green With Your Power
Yes, you've got all the power, but be a little conservative with it. Not only are you conserving your resources, you're proving just how powerful you are. This message has been brought to you by Captain Planet and Megalomania.
Beware of Sperm
Here the soulful svengali competes with the sexual objectification of men by perpetuating regressive sexual politics about women—and some odd point about how sperm works. Uh, ok?
Use Orbitz To Travel The Globe
The world is just an Orbitz or Priceline offered deal away if you just look online. Make note: Wednesday is the cheapest day to fly and Tuesday is the cheapest to buy tickets (typically around 3 p.m.). You're welcome.
Channel Your Inner African Mandigo Warrior
I'm assuming the female equivalent is Xena Warrior Princess. The Anglo-Saxon is Hercules. Asians, maybe Bruce Lee? As for Latinos, maybe Antonio Banderas in that movie whose title escapes me, but I'm sure you can just pick one and it works. I believe this now completes the circle of terrible stereotypes.
Asians Run The World
Well, China's economy is expected to surpass the United States' sooner than later; Kia's no longer implode while driving past a school zone; and Asian immigration is beginning to outpace that of the Latino communities in California. Of course, there's also your mom's favorite song, "Gangham Style." Technically, Tyrese might be on to something here.
Relationships Are Just Like Menus, Too
This dude loves his menu metaphors. Similar to your peace of mind not being all that different from your order of sesame chicken and brown rice, if you end up with a wack mate, send him or her back to the kitchen and have the cook prep you another dish/date. This only works if the chef is Match.com or Christian Mingle, right?
Always Show Gratitude
He could've taken a mere second to find out what this magical invention called Pandora was before he took the time to publicly thank it, but evidently Tyrese was so overcome with gratitude that he couldn't waste any time before offering a simple "thank you." Let that be a lesson to you: Google can wait, but expressing gratitude, not so much.
Schizophrenia Is The Move
You say you see the invisible, I say you're schizo. Now twirl, twirl, twirl...right into the office of a licensed psychiatrist.
You Can Be A Lesbian Without A Vagina
Tyrese might've had the talk about the birds and the bees, but no one informed him about what happens when the bird prefers to chirp with another feather-having specimen. This dude is 34 years old and he doesn't understand how lesbianism works? People, talk to your kids.
Reach For The Stars
In another obvious ploy to sound "deep," Tyrese offered a comparison between Trayvon Martin, Martin Luther King Jr., and Rodney King that sounded about as valid as a link between the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Dolly Parton. And yes, I'm aware Dolly Parton is alive.
Think of the Babies When Baby Making
Some people might look at this and think of a Dick Wolf spinoff, others with children might be able to relate. Eh, probably not. The lesson here is to keep some things to yourself. Please.
Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby
Ass specialist Tyrese cautions those interested in purchasing a Nicki Minaj not to waste their money 'cause "real MEN" who know what a "niece ass" looks like will know you got Canal Street cheeks. Then again, the fake breast industry heard similar cries in the past and proved themselves to be never scared, so why should you?
Choose Friends Over Contractual Obligations
Tyrese took Kim Kardashian to task for not promoting her friend La La's reality show on a competing network. Kim would later explain: "I have my own show on at the same time on a different network I am contractually obligated to promote that via my Twitter. I can't tweet about her show, just like she can't tweet about mine, but we completely support each other." But as Tyrese points out, "THAT'S YO FRIEND, THOUGH!"
A Big Ass Has Limits
You've done the squats and/or ass shots, you've uploaded your progress onto both Instagram and Twitter, and you've caught the attention of that rapper, professional athlete, or reality star. But what's next? Poke a hole through that condom, make a sex tape, and audition for Mona Scott-Young. Don't miss your moment!
Something About Forgiveness
It took me a second, but I think "profetiobal forgiver" is "professional forgiver." I still don't know what that means, though, so let's just use this one as a reminder to trust in Merriam-Webster and not autocorrect.
Life Is Just Like Chilli's
If you can walk into a fine family establishment and confidentially order buffalo wings and southwestern egg rolls, why can't you treat your life the same way? Want love, success, and happiness? Shout it out then! Oh, and don't forget to tip the universe.
Don't Be Afraid To Be A "Quality Freak"
Adina Howard warned us about the importance of being a freak in the morning and in the evening, but Tyrese reaffirms the sentiment by warning when you act too pretty to do something on the nasty, you're going to get cheated on. So, loosen up or find someone who is all about missionary exclusively.
Love Thy Neighbor and Virtual Stranger
Social media strategist Tyrese reminds us that social media has given us the opportunity to forge wonderful relationships with folks we have never seen in person a day in our lives. Yes, Manti Te'o and MTV's Catfish have exposed the downsides of this glorious phenomenon that Tyrese speaks of, but don't let that ruin it for you. That's why God created Facetime.
You Ain't Too Proud To Beg, Nah
A wise woman in a stripper-themed movie by Ice Cube once said, "You've got to use what you got to get what you want." In Tyrese's case, what he wants is a Grammy and what he's got to help him get it is a popular Twitter feed. Regardless of whether or not it works, you've got to hand it to Black Ty: He went for his.
Tyrese Helping You See The Possibilities
Tyrese has gone from the back of the Coca Cola bus to the top of the R&B charts to roles in Hollywood blockbusters. And somewhere along the way, despite all his misgivings, misspellings, hyperbole, and advice oozing of sexism and simplicity, he remains one of the most successful celebrity faux-philosophers around. So yes, give the man and his success some credit, he has certainly proven that anything is indeed possible.