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This weekend, it’s your girl’s time to shine. Normally, girlfriends have to contend with their boyfriends’ distracted attention on Saturdays and Sundays, when no work means more time to watch basketball (college, obviously), football, and whatever other sport they’re too exhausted to peep during the week. Or, even better, hours upon hours of video game play. This leaves disgruntled wifeys with the at times thankless job of sitting on the couch and counting the seconds until the sporting event is over, or the final level gets beaten. That way, their men will (hopefully) follow the post-game report and/or death of the level’s boss by taking her to some “reservation only” dining establishment—anything that doesn’t involve referees or controllers.
Tonight, however, with the opening of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, the ladies shall take over control. Whether it’s through dragging their hubbies by the coattails or arranging a Robert Pattinson-sweating “girls’ night out,” the majority of Earth’s female population will congregate inside movie theaters all weekend long to witness the beginning of the end.
That’s right, the Twilight franchise, based on author Stephanie Meyer’s hugely successful book series, is nearly caput, the first half of the final storyline kicking off in Breaking Dawn – Part 1 with the wedding, and subsequent monster baby birth, of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and sparkly, non-dangerous vampire Edward Cullen (Pattinson). Theater owners would be wise to shell out boxes of tissues with every ticket purchase.
The Twilight phenomenon doesn’t always have to cause such split gender politics, though. As difficult as it is to spoon with a girl who’s self-admittedly “Robsessed,” there are several ways for men—specifically ones who prefer Max Schreck to Kellan Lutz—to cope with Twi-hard-headed lovers. In the spirit of romantic functionality, we present The Complex Guide To Dating A Twilight Fan.
Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)
Figure Out Her Edward/Jacob Allegiance Immediately
Figure out her allegiance immediately: Team Edward or Team Jacob?
Chances are, you’re going to find out about a new girl’s Twilight obsession quite early in the game. Perhaps even during the first or second date, when the restaurant-set conversation casually pokes into one another’s lives. Questions about one’s favorite movie could arise, and that’s when her emphatic New Moon response tips you off.
The next question you ask is crucial. The best bet is to inquire about which squad she rides for: Team Edward (a.k.a. Robert Pattinson’s lovers) or Team Jacob (those smitten by Taylor Lautner). It’s a two-sided move; on one hand, such a question shows that you have at least a smidgen of knowledge about her favorite thing in the world, and, secondly, her answer will help to explain what kind of guy she prefers.
If she says Edward, then she’s more about the sensitive thinking man; girls who swear by Jacob, meanwhile, lean toward the bad boys. Not that Taylor Lautner is actually a “bad boy,” but when vampires like Edward Cullen sparkle, all that Jacob’s werewolf brethren have to do look tougher is faintly bark.
Stick A Copy Of "The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide" In Your Bathroom
Stick a copy of The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide in your bathroom for ongoing research purposes.
Girls love it when their boyfriend shows interest in what they love, so stepping your Twilight knowledge game up can only be beneficial. But, let’s keep it real here: You’re not trying to read all four books of simplistic, hackneyed prose and schmaltzy romance. Rather than deplete brain cells by immersing yourself in the Twilight-to-Breaking Dawn series of novels, the easiest and least damaging option is to cop The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide.
Complete with full-page-sized artwork and encyclopedic breakdowns of everything from explanations of Volturi mythology to back-stories about the major characters, the glossy Cliff’s Notes-esque hardcover fills in all of the blanks without requiring you to actually flip through the four novels front-to-back. And the best location to store The Official Illustrated Guide: the crapper, of course. How else will you find enough time to read all 520 pages? It’ll be far more productive than those fitness magazines you keep next to the toilet—you know, the dusty ones that continue to do nothing for your unmotivated ass.
Lower Your Acting Standards
Lower your standards when it comes to acting.
We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you have good taste in movies. And, since we’re bestowing intelligence on your reputation, we’ll even go so far as to say that you know what makes Daniel Day-Lewis different from, say, Cam Gigandet. But that’s one thing you don’t ever want to let your Twilight-enthused wifey know about.
Curb those Roger Ebert-like urges to critique everything whenever she’s watching a Twilight flick, and, yes, we realize that such a suggestion is like asking Dracula to fall back inside a blood bank. One of the many reasons why critics routinely eviscerate these movies is that the acting is, across the board, hardly even robotic. Stiff line readings are made even worse by cheesy dialogue, and the Twilight saga overflows with both.
As difficult as this sounds, it’s best to not laugh whenever Taylor Lautner sleepily delivers one of his supposed-to-be commanding love proclamations to Kristen Stewart. And, for the love of Cullen, don’t let her rent Lautner’s Abduction once it hits DVD shelves—not even one of those British castle guards could keep a straight face during that showcase of drama-school-dropout quality acting.
Be Willing To Come In Second, Or Sometimes Third, Place
Be willing to come in second, or sometimes third, place.
Call it the Voluntary Emasculation Syndrome.
The first cues are those Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner posters splattered all over her bedroom walls, particularly the ones of R-Pat that leers down from the ceiling whenever you’re getting it in beneath the sheets. Sheets with Pattinson’s mug all over them, as well. You see, female Twilight fans don’t re-watch the movies on a daily basis just for the story and characters—they’re mostly looking for an excuse to daydream about Pattinson or Lautner, or both.
For the most psychotic of Twi-hards, the franchise’s leading men represent dream mates, and everything you do will be compared to what their characters do on screen and in Stephanie Meyer’s original books. If you’re too lovesick to break it off with her preoccupied self, despite the fact that she moans “Oh, Edward” every time you’re tonguing her down, the only solution is to decrease your ego’s power and exist as her second-in-demand. And if you’re willing to do so, then the last tip in this Complex Guide is meant specifically for you, nancy-boy.
Think About Ashley Greene And Nikki Reed
When she insists on watching whichever Twilight movie with you once again, think positively; i.e., about Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed.
It’s no mystery that the Twilight movies attract a predominantly female audience, so why do you think that is? Are they handing out free tampons with every ticket purchased and DVD copped? Nope, though that’d be a rather ingenious marketing tactic, don’t you think? The real reason for the feminine viewership, however, is simple: The young actors cast to play the emotive vampires and shirtless, in-shape werewolves are all Tiger Beat approved.
But the Twilight flicks have a couple of male-friendly secret weapons that don’t receive as much shine as they deserve: actresses Ashley Greene and Nikki Reed. It doesn’t matter which characters they play—the Twilight vamps are interchangeable vessels of dullness. Just know, though, that Greene (above left) and Reed (above right) get ample amounts of screen time to look good and distract uninterested men forced to endure the respective film with their significant others. Who, if we’re being honest here, are absolutely pondering about smashing the homie Robert Pattinson the entire time, anyway.
Practice Old-Fashioned, Gentlemanly Conduct
Practice old-fashioned, gentlemanly conduct.
A common statement amongst female Twilight fans is, “Why can’t my boyfriend be more like Edward?” And unless you’re ready to cover your face in white makeup and adopt a James-Dean starter kit hairdo and wardrobe look, the only way you’ll ever shut her up is to emulate some of the character’s sensitivity. Which, let’s face it, isn’t exactly a bad idea—behaving like gentlemen is something we should all strive to accomplish. Quit your snickering, Neanderthal.
The logical explanation for Edward Cullen’s traditional dating values and endearing (to ladies) softness is that he was “born” in 1901, meaning he came of age in much more chivalrous times. If you’re looking to cheat the system, however, simply watch Boardwalk Empire and take notes from Nucky Thompson’s handling of Margaret Schroeder. Except killing her ex-man, of course.
Redirect All "Twilight"-Related Conversation To The "Breaking Dawn" Novel
Redirect all Twilight-related conversations to the Breaking Dawn novel; you know, the one in which Bella and Edward finally have sex.
When there are little, elementary school-aged girls reading your books, it’s wise to keep their parents’ revenue hard-earned dollars coming in by refraining from any grown-up sex scenes. And that’s precisely what author Stephanie Meyer did for the series’ first three books: Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. The contextual reasoning behind Edward’s mutual abstinence shared with Bella has to do with his being an undead vampire—if she, a breathing human, bumps and grinds with the immortal corpse, the results could be horrific, and lord knows that Twilight never wants to approach anything resembling legitimate horror.
Think about it—if your girl constantly wants to discuss any one of those three novels, sooner or later she’s going to think that no-sex is the right policy for her, to help forge a similar Edward/Bella union with you. Thus, no buns, son.
That’s why the fourth and final installment, Breaking Dawn, is the perfect conversation starter—it’s the one in which Mr. Cullen and Ms. Swan finally do the nasty. And, in turn, it’s the Twilight book—and, now, movie—most likely to have your chick feeling all hot and bothered.
Don't Make Any Big Plans For November 16, 2012
If you think the relationship is going to last, don't make any big plans for November 16, 2012.
Somehow, you’ve navigated around her Twilight obsessions, and the courtship has morphed into a full-blown union of love. Congratulations—you’re tougher than most guys.
Furthermore, you’re falling so head-over-heels that, who knows, you might pop the question in the near future, or at the very least start planning extended vacations together. For those of you ready to look into the relationship’s future, there’s one 2012 date that must, by all means, remain untouched, and that’s November 16th, the day that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 opens.
There’s not a chance in hell that she’s going to miss seeing the final cinematic hours of pop culture’s favorite pacifist vampires. The mere suggestion of doing something other than spending the entirety of November 16, 2012, inside the nearest movie theater might be grounds for her kick you to the curb.
If All Else Fails, Drive A Stake Into Relationship's Heart
If all else fails, drive a stake into your relationship’s heart.
OK, so you’ve tried the previously cited tips, turned the other cheek so many times that whiplash has set in, and resorted to wearing Team Edward T-shirts to bed in hopes of turning your girlfriend on, and she’s still putting her love for Twilight over her love for you. There are only two things left to do: Rip that shirt in half a la Hulk Hogan and find the closest exit straight out her life.
This plan is especially important for those who shamefully take the Voluntary Emasculation Syndrome advice too far (acting as her personal page-turner whenever she’s reading one of Stephanie Meyer’s books, for example). Even if she’s crying as you walk out, don’t look back; she’ll relocate her fictional dreamboats with haste, and you, my friend, will be free to stare at True Blood’s Deborah Ann Woll without fear of pissing your lady off.