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One could only wish that Francis Ford Coppola or Martin Scorsese had an urge to dabble in reality television. Under the proper creative control, an exposé-style program about mobsters and their private lives could be riveting. Unfortunately, since neither master of mafia cinema is hard-up enough to resort to entertainment’s lowest form of storytelling, we’ll have to settle for VH1’s new real-life show Mob Wives, which premieres this Sunday night.
No, it’s not a reboot of Bravo’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey—hasn’t the Garden State suffered enough shame thanks to reality TV? VH1 must’ve thought so, since Mob Wives centers on four Staten Island women, all of whom are taking care of families while their respective mobster husbands and fathers sit behind bars.
If even one of the featured ladies looked as good as any of the following 10 Hottest Mob Wives in Movies and TV, we’d already have our DVR’s set to record. But, alas, VH1 dropped the ball. So, if you’re literally a wise guy, you’ll spend time getting to know these fictional mafia queens instead.
Lorraine Bracco
10. LORRAINE BRACCO AS KAREN HILL IN GOODFELLAS (1990)
Hotness can only take a woman so far. Sometimes, sexy ladies, like Karen Hill in Goodfellas, grate one’s nerves to the point of uncontrollable combustion.
Lorraine Bracco balances the sexiness and intolerability as the wife of Ray Liotta’s Henry Hill in Martin Scorsese’s wiseguy masterpiece. Taking full advantage of her man’s paper, Karen goes from a humble suburban woman to a lavishly dressed and quick-tongued diva. She prances around in fur coats, demands money-stacks from Henry, and blacks out on his side chick, or “gumar.”
OK, so it’s not entirely fair to condemn a woman for interrupting her husband’s infidelity—we’ll give her that one. Besides, she’s not the kind of broad you’d want to call out. Karen’s more of a G than most dudes, flushing coke down a toilet and stuffing guns into her panties when the going gets rough.
Diane Keaton
9. DIANE KEATON AS KAY ADAMS-CORLEONE IN THE GODFATHER (1972) AND THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
At first, Kay Adams-Corleone (played with sweet vulnerability by Diane Keaton) is the perfect mob wife: loving, great with the kids, and more interested in her husband’s well-being than unlawful finances. When Michael Corleone heads back home after a hard day of power meetings and killing snitches, the last thing he wants to do is talk some more about “work.” So Kay’s disinterest and contempt toward the mafia way of life plays in his favor.
To a point, that is. Eventually, his means of income becomes too much to handle, leading the soft-spoken housewife to freak the hell out and demand a divorce. Naturally, Michael refuses, but then the once-sweet Kay hits him with the megaton bomb: What he thought was a miscarriage was actually an abortion of his son designed to terminate their "unholy and evil" marriage. The best makeup sex of all time couldn’t heal those wounds.
Simonetta Stefanelli
8. SIMONETTA STEFANELLI AS APOLLONIA VITELLI-CORLEONE IN THE GODFATHER (1972)
In The Godfather, Simonetta Stefanelli is a real heartbreaker. Her character, Apollonia, doesn’t dump or cheat on Michael Corleone (Al Pacino), however; she kicks the bucket in arguably the movie’s most tragic scene. And we’re talking about a film with a higher body count than most horror flicks.
While spending time in Sicily, Michael spots Apollonia and quickly asks for her hand in marriage. It’s all butterflies and consummation until Ap blows to smithereens in an unexpected car bombing meant to kill Mike.
The wrongful death set-up has been copied several times in Apollonia’s wake, such as in the first season of Sons Of Anarchy, but it’s particularly gut-wrenching in The Godfather. Perhaps because Stefanelli checks out before we’ve had sufficient enough time to properly ogle her.
Michelle Pfeiffer
7. MICHELLE PFEIFFER AS ANGELA DE MARCO IN MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988)
Back in the ’80s, actresses didn’t get much hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer.
In the well-received Married To The Mob, the gifted blonde played a tough Brooklyn gal whose mobster husband, Frank “The Cucumber” de Marco (Alec Baldwin), gets whacked by a superior mafia boss. Armed with a BK accent and a mean right hook, she’s forced to defend herself against her late hubby’s enemies and probing FBI agents.
Most fictional mob wives aren’t allowed to do much more than act as arm candy or emotional support for their gangster lovers—see Pfeiffer’s earlier, and less dynamic, performance in Scarface, for example. With Married To The Mob, the actress your pops used to sweat broke the mafia spouse mold, in some ways laying the groundwork for the Carmela Soprano-types of the future.
Marianne Hill
6. MARIANNE HILL AS DEANNA DUNN-CORLEONE IN THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)
As Fredo Corleone’s drama queen of a spouse in The Godfather Part II, Marianne Hill is basically every unhappily married guy’s worst nightmare. Her saving grace, though, is that she’s much hotter than your typical housewife, with movie star looks draped in expensive threads you want to rip off like price tags.
But damn is she a pain in the ass. Hill’s big scene finds her drunk as all hell and berating the weak-willed Fredo at an extravagant Corleone family party. She grinds on another dude, has to be dragged off the dancefloor, and then questions Fredo’s manhood.
Why does Fredo put up with her mess? Probably because his money-earning assignment is to run a brothel, which means he can smash gorgeous prostitutes at will. Unlike most married gents, who have to pay to play.
Melissa Gilbert
5. MELISSA GILBERT AS MARIAN IN BLOOD VOWS: THE STORY OF A MAFIA WIFE (1987)
Unless you’re talking about HBO, TV movies have generally fallen below the line of good quality, especially ones aired on non-cable networks. Blood Vows: The Story Of A Mafia Wife, which debuted on NBC to scathing reviews back in 1987, is a prime example.
The sexy Melissa Gilbert, all grown up from her Little House On The Prairie days, starred as a love-struck woman who marries a successful attorney and thinks everything’s all good. After the vows are exchanged, though, she learns that her new husband comes from a mafia family, and her in-laws soon involve her in their illegal business.
Imagine if Mario Puzo got a lobotomy and then wrote a Lifetime movie just to pay off his medical bills. And then deflate his script of any and all narrative weight. Voila! You’ve got this made-for-TV turkey only notable for Gilbert’s looks.
Ornella Muti
4. ORNELLA MUTI AS SOFIA PROVOLONE IN OSCAR (1991)
Somebody should’ve put a hit out on the folks who actually thought Oscar was a good idea.
This oft-forgotten critical disaster had all the makings of a true shit sandwich: It was a Hollywood remake of a beloved French movie (red flag), tried to play mob life for laughs (never works), and depended on Sylvester Stallone’s comedic skills (which don’t exist).
Playing the wife of the horribly named Snaps Provolone (Stallone), Ornella Muti had to do some extremely heavy lifting; meaning, she needed to use her exotic hotness to salvage her character’s few scenes and give us something else to look at other than Stallone’s forced humor. Unsurprisingly, the Italian actress’ mission failed.
We can’t really blame her for that, though. It’s a movie about a mobster named Snaps Provolone—the stinky cheese was in place since the script-writing stage.
Anne Heche
3. ANNE HECHE AS MAGGIE PISTONE IN DONNIE BRASCO (1997)
Much like Melissa Gilbert in Blood Vows: The Story Of A Mafia Wife, Anne Heche’s character in Donnie Brasco marries a guy not knowing that she’s on her way to mafia ties. Unlike Gilbert, however, Heche’s movie doesn’t suck.
Donnie Brasco is ultimately Johnny Depp and Al Pacino’s show, but short-haired Heche definitely makes her presence felt as undercover FBI agent Brasco’s (Depp) significant other. She helplessly watches her once-normal husband lose himself in the treacherous mobster world before asking for a divorce.
It’s not like she was asking for too much; there’s nothing wrong with a girl who only wants to associate the words “under” and “cover” with the pressing of flesh. In fact, that sort of lady is the genuine article.
Drea De Matteo
2. DREA DE MATTEO AS ADRIANA LA CERVA IN THE SOPRANOS (1999-2006)
To be clear, Adriana never got past the fiancée stage with Jersey mobster Christopher Moltisanti (Michael Imperioli). Or, as she called him, “Cwistupha.” But Drea De Matteo was never less than smoking hot on The Sopranos, so let’s not nitpick here.
The best thing about Adriana, other than her ever-present cleavage, was that she always seemed to have her man’s best interests at heart, whether she was dissuading his incessant drug use or listening to his underling bitch-fits about boss-man Tony Soprano’s methods. Then again, she also repeatedly snitched, which led to her assassination. But whatever—no hot chick is perfect.
Sharon Stone
1. SHARON STONE AS GINGER MCKENNA ROTHSTEIN IN CASINO (1995)
Not only is Ginger the hottest of all fictional mob wives, she’s also the most despicable.
She’s the ultimate gold digger, constantly asking Las Vegas kingpin Sam Rothstein (Robert De Niro) for cash to spend foolishly on clothes and blow. She snorts line of the latter in front of their daughter, but that’s not even her worst offense. Ginger’s biggest no-no is one of the following two no-no’s: cheating on Rothstein with his mobster friend Nicky (Joe Pesci), or calling a pimp to help kidnap Rothstein’s little girl. Take your pick.
Despite her predominant awfulness, though, Ginger is still endlessly desirable, a credit to both Sharon Stone’s great performance and natural beauty. Plus, Ginger gives it up to Nicky, who’s not exactly Brad Pitt, if you catch our drift. We’re saying there’s a chance!