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William Friedkin The ExorcistThe ExorcistThe RiteAnthony HopkinsThe Ritethe 10 ways not to perform an exorcism
Use Something Stronger than Silk to Tie the Victim Down
10. Use something stronger than silk to tie the victim down.
Learned from: 1920 (2008)
Complex says: How do you know horror’s exorcism subgenre has been done to death? When there’s even a Bollywood entry. Prolific Indian director Vikram Bhatt’s 1920 applies the period romance motif to an Exorcist-like set-up, which culminates in an elaborately staged but moronically conceived exorcism sequence. The good guys know that a destructive entity lives inside the gorgeous sufferer, so why the hell couldn’t they invest in some handcuffs? Hell, shoelaces would work better than the silky linen they use to bind her arms to the bedpost. Unsurprisingly, she breaks free with hardly a flick of the wrist. Can you blame us for cheering the devil on here?
Keep Goats Out of the Room
9. Keep goats out of the room.
Learned from: Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Complex says: Animal sacrifice is common enough, but human-to-animal transference? That’s a whole other degree of complication best left to beastiality fetishists. In Sam Raimi’s playful horror flick Drag Me to Hell, a seance is arranged for Alison Lohman, who’s been cursed with the spirit of a demon known as the Lamia. What transpires is a manic bit of slapstick exorcism involving a trash-talking goat that's inhabited by the malevolent force and bites one of the human participants, which then passes the evil his way. Where’s the ASPCA when you need them?
Put the Kids to Bed First
8. Put the kids to bed first.
Learned from: Repossessed (1990)
Complex says: It’s one thing to perform an exorcism inside a pretty demon-controlled lady’s home, but while her kids are wide awake? Show some damn tact! Worst-case scenario: The exorcist’s methods prove futile and the children are filleted along with their parents. Another possibility is what happens in the horror spoof Repossessed; little Joey and Jane walk in on disturbed mommy humping the priest. Some fates are unquestionably worse than death.
Don’t be a Fraud
7. Don’t be a fraud.
Learned from: The Last Exorcism (2010)
Complex says: Last year’s well-made, found-footage horror film The Last Exorcism features a great performance by Patrick Fabian as the fugazi Reverend Cotton. He’s a sham of an exorcist who hires a film crew to document, and ultimately expose, a bullshit exorcism, though the troubled family thinks he’s legit. In true scary movie fashion, however, the young girl’s possession is no joke; as the proverbial ish hits the fan, Cotton is woefully overmatched. By the end of the movie’s satanic coda, he’s left wishing he’d never tried to punk the sin-loving, red-horned man downstairs. That guy’s not exactly known for his sense of humor.
Don’t Let the Possessed Take a Hit off Your Pipe
6. Don’t let the possessed take a hit off your pipe.
Learned from: Ninja III: The Domination (1984)
Complex says: Apply the same rule to the use of any puff-and-pass goods, though we can’t imagine any priests blazing some Mary Jane while on the clock. The uncontrolled substance used in the kung-fu horror flick Ninja III: The Domination doesn’t appear to be weed, yet, whatever it is, demons seem to love it. After the quasi-exorcist gives a possessed cutie some of his magic pipe, her inner devil busts loose and raises all kinds of hell. Maybe she just had a bad batch.
Keep the Insults to a Minimum
5. Keep the insults to a minimum.
Learned from: The Exorcist III: Legion (1990)
Complex says: Even though he’s the evilest entity around, Satan apparently has feelings, too. If it’s not exactly sensitivity, then he’s just unwilling to withstand a barrage of elaborate disses, especially from a priest. The exorcist in this underrated sequel takes the name-calling a bit too far, hurling slams like “You author of pain,” and “You corruptor of justice and innocence and youth,” at Beelzebub. The result: Father Button-Pusher gets his skin peeled off while stuck to the ceiling. Unfortunately, he doesn’t use his last breaths to utter any “Yo momma” jokes.
Think with the Big Head, Not the Little One
4. Think with the big head, not the little one.
Learned from: Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Complex says: The Devil knows what he’s doing. Whenever Hell’s leader possesses a poor soul in a Hollywood movie, his victim is often an attractive young lady, like in the inferior sequel Exorcist II: The Heretic. Grown up into a button-cute 18-year-old, The Exorcist’s little tyke Linda Blair used her carnal powers to lure the sequel’s priest into a false sense of eroticism. Any good man of the cloth knows, though, that clergymen must forbid all physical desires in the name of God’s work. Just imagine what would’ve happened if a little boy were possessed.
Don’t Take Any Bathroom Breaks
3. Don’t take any bathroom breaks.
Learned from: Scary Movie 2 (2001)
Complex says: An exorcist’s job is to release one’s demons, no doubt, but, in Scary Movie 2’s hilarious opening sequence, James Woods misinterprets that particular job requirement. Delaying the holy task at hand, his priest character prepares himself for slaying evil by visiting the toilet; naturally, the Wayans Brothers use the set-up to write a series of fart joke innuendos, made all the more funny coming out of a respected actor such as Woods’ mouth. But, still, an extended bathroom visit only prolongs the subject’s devil-issued misery. If Mother Natures screams, just stick to number one.
Make Sure the Person isn’t Simply Crazy
2. Make sure the person isn’t simply crazy.
Learned from: The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
Complex says: Based on true events, The Exorcism of Emily Rose is more of a courtroom drama than a spook-fest, depicting the heated lawsuit against a priest after an exorcism results in the said-to-be possessed girl’s death. We can’t imagine too many lawyers would jump at the chance to defend an exorcist. Would burnt crucifixes work as evidence? How about tape recordings that sound like Black Sabbath records played backwards? Those are legal inquiries best left alone, so the first thing a demon-fighter should do before actually fighting demons is perform an extensive background check.
Always Wear a Bib
1. Always wear a bib.
Learned from: The Exorcist (1973)
Complex says: It’s the infamous movie scene that forever spoiled pea soup for horror fans worldwide. Baby-eared viewers might find young Linda Blair’s crass insults (“Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”) more offensive, but we’re still feeling nauseous over her projectile vomiting. A green ooze spouts from Blair’s mouth like a geyser, the priests’ black outfits are covered in the nasty goo. A trip to the cleaners, not to mention a psychiatrist visit, could’ve been avoided if they’d arrived prepared with shirt-protecting bibs. They’d still be susceptible to homicide, sure, but at least their gear would stay fresh to death.