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It was called The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco, but, strangely enough, last night's barrage of insults felt more like a pile-on against Jonah Hill, Franco's long-time pal and This is the End co-star. Even Franco himself expressed his sympathy for Hill, who, to his credit, took it all like a champ. Which is what Academy Award nominees who hang out with Brad Pitt and Leonardo Dicaprio and make movies with Martin Scorsese do. It's not like he's Nick Kroll or Jeff Ross.
And that's the spirit captured throughout Comedy Central's often hilarious and frequently cold-blooded roast of the ubiquitous and enigmatic James Franco. As in all roasts of its kind, everyone in attendance got bombarded with joke after joke, all in good fun. The roasters included, in addition to Hill, Kroll, and Ross: Andy Samberg, Natasha Leggero, Sarah Silverman, Aziz Ansari, Bill Hader, and the roastmaster himself, Seth Rogen.
With Franco as the primary target, the roasters had plenty of ammunition, like the actor/director/poet/artist/scholar's reputation for pretentiousness, his myriad indie films that people don't even know exist, his infamous Oscar-hosting debacle alongside Anne Hathaway, and his early days playing the late James Dean in, yes, James Dean (2001). Some of his peers totally killed, namely the women, Leggero and Silverman. Samberg did his best Norm Macdonald impersonation, dropping a bunch of knowingly unfunny and anti-roast barbs (more complimentary than defamatory) to mixed results. Hader, meanwhile, donned a red tracksuit to play "The President of Hollywood," a creative bit that would've fit right at home on his former home, Saturday Night Live.
Just in case you missed all of the playful insensitivity live last night, here are the funniest jokes from The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco, broken down by each individual roaster, including the guest-of-honor himself.
Seth Rogen
"Jonah's actually started to move away from comedy. It happens five minutes into his movie The Sitter."
"A lot of people are live-tweeting the event tonight. Speaking of 140 characters nobody gives a shit about, Bill Hader is here."
"Nick Kroll's the scary Jewish face Mel Gibson runs away from in his dreams every night."
"Franco, you look like you're asleep. Did you just read a James Franco book?"
"James is famous for playing James Dean, which makes sense since they both sucked some dicks and made three good movies."
"Look at me doing all the talking while you sit there and do nothing. I feel like I'm co-hosting the Oscars with you."
"In this world, there can only be one James Franco, because if there were two James Francos, they would never stop butt-fucking each other."
Nick Kroll
"Many of you might not know this, but Seth Rogen has a writing and directing partner named Evan Goldberg. What does this other guy look like that you're the face of the operation? I assume he's, like, a sweaty Orthodox Jew eating a Pastrami sandwich."
"Jonah, a lot of people are going to touch on your weight tonight, but not enough people are going to touch on what an asshole you've become."
"Quick reminder that if at point tonight James fully opens his eyes, there will be six more weeks of summer."
Jonah Hill
"I mean, this guy's cashing checks from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation! And, look, I respect Bill, because Sprint was coming after him hard, but he just held out for that 'Fuck, you, T-Mobile' money!" (On Bill Hader's post-Saturday Night Live career thus far.)
"Sarah [Silverman] is a role model for every little girl who's ever dreamed of being a 58-year-old, single, stand-up comedian ith no romantic prospects on the horizon. They all dream of it, but Sarah did it."
"People say it's too late for Sarah to become successful at movies at her age. I, again, do not agree. It's not impossible. It's not like they're asking you to bare children or anything like that. Because you can't do that."
"Jeff Ross, you're like the ghost of me and Seth's future if we never made it."
"Aziz, Natasha, Nick Kroll… I'm assuming you guys are James' friends from high school."
"Nick and Natasha, how does it feel knowing that even being associated with you two right now is literally killing Aziz right now?"
"We can't talk about Seth without talking about The Green Hornet, right? We just can't. Because every person in this world is like, 'The Green Hornet lost so much fucking money! And that's not true. The Green Hornet didn't lose that much money. I mean, everybody in the world fucking hates it, but it didn't lose that much money. And that's the goal after all, right? To make terrible movies that don't lose that much money."
Sarah Silverman
"Right before the show, Seth rolled a gigantic fatty…because that was the only way we could get Jonah Hill onto the stage."
"James, I loved Spring Breakers. Spring Breaker is actually the name we gave Jeff Ross for whenever he sits on a bed."
"James recently won the Ally Award for his support of the LGBT community. It's a prestigious award that's given anally…annually. It's given annually."
"Jonah is such a Jew-y dick, you have to watch his movies through a hole in a sheet."
"Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film, because the producers wanted him to be a 'Jonah Hill type.'"
"Jonah, on a scale of 1-10, do you own a scale?"
"Seriously, you have had such a body transformation over the last couple of years. You've come a long way from just being 'Sonny and Cher's daughter.'"
"I have been a huge supporter of Aziz for years, and only for the price of a cup of coffee. By the way, Aziz can't stay all night. He's gotta get back in the cupboard."
"I don't think James is either gay or straight. I just think he literally can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking."
"James did a movie called Interior. Leather Bar, it's about gay pornography. He was inspired after he ate a giant bag of dicks hosting the Oscars."
Bill Hader as "The President of Hollywood"
"The Guilt Trip… Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weave through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series." - (On Seth Rogen's recent box office flop.)
"Andy Samberg, I'm really looking forward to your new show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Funny cops—you're always pushing the envelope, Andy."
"I know I'm in awe of you for your integrity as an actor, from jerking off next to a boulder to sucking a gun like a dick—you are truly the Jimmy Stewart of today. But I know it hasn't always been easy for you, James. You overcame a crippling childhood affliction known as 'dumb face.' But you never let that interfere with your dream of making dog-shit movies and explicitly gay Gucci ads."
Natasha Leggero
"The room is buzzing tonight, and not just from the flies around Aziz's relatives."
"Jonah Hill, I loved you as a baseball analyst in Moneyball, and I love you as Rosie O'Donnell in real life."
"Jonah was born and raised in Hollywood, and you can tell: He's a name-dropper with big tits and an eating disorder."
"Andy's comedy group is called The Lonely Island, which is how each of his teeth feel. Andy, I'm looking forward to the said acoustic version of 'Dick in a Box' at Lorne Michaels' open-casket funeral."
"Nick Kroll! Nick, your fan must be so excited you're here!"
"Bill Hader, you are this generation's Phil Hartman…hopefully."
"Sarah Silverman's had more ugly men inside her than Comic-Con."
"Kim Kardashian is here. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Aziz Ansari. I get them confused—they're both brown narcissists riding Kanye's dick. No, Aziz is only in show business because he's too ugly to be a genie. My third wish, Aziz, is that you stop screaming your punch lines. I saw your special—if I wanted to get yelled at by a humorless Indian, I'd read a magazine at 7/11. No, they love Aziz in India. He was recently awarded India's highest honor: soap."
"James has a new reality show coming out on the Ovation network. Finally, something so awful that TLC was like, 'Nah, we're good.'"
Andy Samberg
"Natasha Leggero is here. She's basically a complete unknown, but tonight we're getting paid the same amount of money! Well, Natasha, you can do everything I can do, but I can never experience the miracle of birthing a child. Roasted you! Roast-a-fari…like a reggae guy."
"Here's one: Nick Kroll, Bill Hader, and Seth Rogen walked into a bar. They're there because I'm an alcoholic who can't manage my feelings. Nailed you fuckers! Suck a butt! Uh, is there a barista here? Because this roast just got dark!"
"My good friend Aziz Ansari is here. Aziz's parents are from India and he's from South Carolina. Hey, Aziz, what's it like to have a unique perspective on what it means to be American, you bag of shit?"
"Jonah Hill is here. Jonah is so dumb, when he invited me over for a dinner party, I over-stayed my welcome and he pretended to be tired so I would leave without getting my feelings hurt. You a passive-aggressive sweetheart, Jonah!"
Aziz Ansari
"The funniest part about This Is the End to me is, if James really would have had that party, I don't think I would have been invited."
"I do think one day Jonah will win an Oscar…Meyer, Hot Dog Eater of the Millennium Award."
"Also, I think it was so cool that some of you guys were able to travel back to 1995 for those Indian jokes you did. That's so cool! Man, those stereotypes are so outdated, my god! There are more Indian dudes in sitcoms right now than running 7/11's. We are snatching roles from white actors. My last three roles were Randy, Chet, and Tom."
"Jeff Ross is here…because he never left since the last roast."
"So many gay jokes about Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well-dressed, and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are just going to fly into your face?"
Jeff Ross
"I saw your mall cop movie…it made me realize how funny Kevin James is." (On Seth Rogen's Observe and Report.)
"How did you guys get into character on set? Did they pass out smoothies that taste like Judd Apatow's asshole?" (On Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and James Franco playing themselves in This Is the End.)
"Jonah almost couldn't make it tonight because he was having trouble finding a tuxedo that changes sizes every three hours."
"Jonah, you're an amazing talent. I loved you as a Ku Klux Klan member in Django Unchained. That was a great role. You should wear a sheet over your face in every movie. What was that, a California king? When Jonah Hill's agent called and told him Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a Spaghetti Western, he was like, 'You had me at 'spaghetti.'"
"Did anybody see Wreck-It Ralph? Which is what guys do to your pussy: They wreck it and then they ralph." - (On Sarah Silverman's recent animated movie.)
"How you doing, Franco? You look like Johnny Depp with lupus. Does Ryan Gosling ever call you, start laughing, and then hang up? Franco is half-Italian and half asleep."
"How about a hand for James' grandma, 91 years old? 127 Hours is how long she has left."
"Franco comes from humble beginnings. Your first job was at McDonald's—the last time anyone said about your work, 'I'm loving it.'"
"Franco, I'm really looking forward to you mumbling your rebuttal at the end of the show. Let's hope you bring some of that razor-sharp wit you brought to the Oscars. You were a worse host than an AIDS monkey. Face it, Franco, you and Anne Hathaway had the comedic chemistry of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman."
James Franco
"I was a genius at the Oscars! That was experimental tuxedo sleep art!"
"I'm always typecast as the same guy: the Handsome Wizard, the Handsome Meth Dealer, and the Handsome Clumsy Amputee Hiker. Just once, I'd like to play some of the diverse roles that Nick Kroll gets, like the Rat-Faced Attorney, Rat-Faced Maître D, Rat-Faced Children's Hospital Doctor."
"I know I look terrific as a woman, and I know I do a better job of it than that guy over there dressed as Sarah Silverman."
"Seth was really hilarious tonight, but the jokes suggesting I was gay, coming from you, Seth, really hurt, because it reminds me of the time on the set of Pineapple Express when Seth Rogen tried to rape me. Forced his way into my dressing room, put pot smoke into my mouth, pinned me beneath his sweaty, heaving, flabby body. Luckily he was distracted by the sound of an ice cream truck outside."
"And you say, 'I don't understand your movies.' Well, I don't understand my movies. In Oz, I was followed around the whole time by an excitable little monkey dressed as a bell boy. Why was he dressed like a bell boy? What am I asking you for? Aziz, why were you dressed like a bell boy?"
"Alright, so you guys think I'm pretentious. Well, James Franco addressed James Franco about being pretentious in his book, James Franco."
"But it's not just me. Look at how full of himself Jonah is since his Oscar nomination. Sure, you're buddies with Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum, but I was your first handsome friend."
"In reality, the joke's on all of you. This is not a roast—this my greatest, most elaborate art installation ever. I'm not the real guest of honor. These aren't real comedians. And we're not even on a real network. What you've seen tonight was my brilliant opus, to take an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of a scattering of mis-created, talentless abnormalities. I call it Genius Unscathed, and this is my masterpiece."