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We’re all human beings—it’s in our DNA to enjoy having sex. Don't feel embarrassed. Getting intimate with your significant other is perfectly normal, and healthy, as is the occasional late-night, after-the-bar-closes jumpoff (while protected, of course). What’s not OK, however, is breaking out in cold sweats if the bar visit doesn’t lead to sharing your bed with somebody, anybody. Nor is it permissible to spend more money on call girls than you do when paying bills.
Those who can relate to the last two scenarios are what psychologists like to call “sexual deviants,” much like Michael Fassbender’s character in the harrowing new grown-up drama Shame (opening in limited release tomorrow). In the powerful film, co-written and directed by British filmmaking sensation Steve McQueen (Hunger), Fassbender plays a successful NYC yuppie whose sex addiction leads him on a downward spiral of emotional despair and self-destructive behavior.
Aside from being a cinematic knockout, Shame is also a cautionary tale for guys who live by a similar code of perverse ethics but don’t even know it. One look at our list of 10 Signs That You’re A Sex Addict just might wake them (or you?) up.
Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)
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Your Credit Card Statements Read Like A Porn Star's Résumé.
10. Your credit card statements read like a porn star's résumé.
It’s that time of month, the always loathed day when those credit card bills arrive in the mail and make you regret spending $150 on a pair of Jordans that you’ll most likely wear two times at the most.
Here’s where the pain sets in: Right under the Foot Locker charge is a line that reads “The League Of Extraordinary Swallowers,” and above it, “World Of Lust.” The corresponding charges range from $25 to a whopping $75, and then the pieces all fall into place mentally: The former is for that downloadable fetish movie you purchased, and the latter covers the monthly access to the Internet’s foremost streaming adult video site.
Scrolling down the rest of the bill, words such as “Bus Pass” and “Surcharge” disappear in a sea of “XXX,” “Girl-On-Girl,” and “Kayden Kross.” At first, the rationale was simple: Better to drop wads of cash on cyber pleasures than pay hookers to make potentially dangerous house calls. But try telling that to the Visa employee who keeps calling about unpaid bills.
The "Pause" Phenonemon Confuses You
9. That whole "pause" phenomenon has always confused you.
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, all you think about is sex—yes, that’s a rather obvious sign that you have a problem. But let’s just say that your methods of revealing that one-track mind are far more innocent than licking your lips and grabbing your crotch every time a pretty woman passes by. Whenever there’s a lull in a conversation, you don’t hesitate to spit out a dirty joke, or comment on how you’d “hit that” while pointing the nearest thing in a skirt.
So any time someone follows a statement like “Man, that shit is hard” with an emphatic “Pause!”, you’re left dumbfounded. Why would anyone try to renounce making a sexual pun? Everyone should be so vocally randy! You, on the other hand, need a G-rated hobby. How about building model cars?
You Yell At People For No Reason
8. You’re quick to yell at people for no reason.
After awhile, endless nights of emotionless sex can leave the coldest of men feeling empty, and even resentful toward one’s self. Hence the movie title Shame. Yet, sexual addiction isn’t easily dropped, and the decision to lock your joint up and take a few weeks off from intercourse can have some harsh consequences.
Mix self-hatred and deprivation together, and what do you get? One irritable son of a bitch. A friend’s mere utterance of “How’s it going, son?” begins to sound like “What’s your problem, you pathetic piece of shit?” And that could potentially cause you to bark at those around you without legitimate provocation.
Feeding the addiction behind closed doors feels damn good; trying to repress the issue out in public, however, can bring out the worst in a person. Take that, Dr. Drew!
You Go Soft Once You Catch Feelings
7. Your noodle goes all limp once you start to catch feelings for a girl.
Even though they couldn’t be any more different tonally, Shame and the 2008 Chuck Palahniuk adaptation Choke share two identical traits: Each is about a male sex addict, and each makes a big point of the character’s inability to get it up while hooking up with a woman he actually cares about. In Shame, specifically, Brandon’s (Michael Fassbender) inept bedroom performance with a co-worker he’s oddly connecting with is a moment of emotional torment; in Choke, which stars Sam Rockwell and Boardwalk Empire’s Kelly MacDonald (seen above), the protagonist’s limpness is played slightly more comically.
No matter how you look at it, though, impotency caused by romantic feelings is tragic. The root of the problem: When you have feelings for the girl naked alongside you, you’re no longer the dominant one—you’ve lost control. Sex is no longer a carnal, meaningless act of in-out, thank you ma’am; it’s the ultimate sign of affection, and the incapability to handle that hints at far bigger issues than just flaccidity.
The Word "Abstinence" Sends You Running
6. As soon as a girl utters the word "abstinence," you find the nearest exit.
The initial feeling is one of euphoric confidence. After kicking some seemingly weak game and counting yourself out, that supermodel-looking chick on the dancefloor gives you her number—even better, she wants to hang out. A few dates lead to serious feelings, and the time finally comes when the endearingly prudish female lets you reach second base, possibly even third. That euphoric confidence? It’s ratcheted up to horny Ron Jeremy.
But then she drops the megaton bomb: She’s saving herself for marriage, either due to strict religious beliefs or a born-again approach to curbing past promiscuity (like Paula Patton’s character in the 2011 rom-com Jumping The Broom). The underlying message of her news sinks in—the only way you’re ever going to “get it in” is if you wait X-amount of extended time and then put an expensive ring on her finger; meaning, absolutely no sex any time soon.
The fact that you were in your car and angrily driving home before she could even explain the reasoning behind her abstinence clause proves that romance, courtship, and personal connections are the last things on your filthy mind.
You Haven't Eaten Lunch During A Lunch Break In Months
5. You haven't actually eaten lunch during a lunch break in months.
In director Steve McQueen’s darkly riveting Shame, Michael Fassbender’s sexually obsessed character, Brandon, has a nasty workplace ritual: Every day, when others are chowing down on wraps or going outside to inhale fresh air, he’s holed up in a bathroom stall, with ass-wiping paper covering the toilet seat, and he’s rubbing one out.
To emphasize the inevitability of Brandon’s daily self-pleasing actions, McQueen intersperses quick glimpses of Brandon entering the men’s room with an emotionless look on his face—he knows it’s about go down, yet he doesn’t want anyone to realize it.
If you can’t wait until work’s over and you’re back home to stroke it, you, sir, are just as bad with nut-busts as chain smokers are with nicotine. Only with better breath.
Local Sex Shop Emails You Coupons
4. The local adult sex shop emails you coupons on a weekly basis.
Who doesn’t love receiving killer deals in email format multiple times a day? Those Barnes & Noble-issued “30% off one hardcover,” or the Old Navy-bestowed “40% off of all long-sleeved shirts and men’s jeans”? The savviest of buyers will delay all mall visits until the cyber coupons arrive, and why shouldn’t they? It’s the least that big retail chains can do when you give them so much business, especially in these trying economic times.
“Buy one pair of edible panties and get the second half-off,” though? Sure, that’s one hell of a bargain, but it’s also quite weird, not to mention creepy. Because finding such coupons in your email might seem like Pleasure Plus Video is rewarding you for being so quick to spend, yet it’s more so an indicator that you’ve elevated 18-and-over purchases to the same level as grocery shopping.
Otherwise Innocent Toys Look Like Sexual Playthings
3. Otherwise innocent toys look like sexual playthings.
Having sex with the consistency of syndicated, weeknight sitcom reruns brings with it a certain need to mix things up a bit. Five nights in a row of missionary sounds redundant, doesn’t it? That’s where sex toys come in, and your bedside desk drawer fills with vibrators, nipple clamps, dong rings, and something called The Assifier.
Overusing such kinky gizmos can cloud a man’s judgment, however. Which is why those trips to Toys R Us for your nephew’s birthday unavoidably turn into a Russ Meyer-directed dream sequence. No, that’s not a vibrating dual harness—it’s a Nerf gun, sicko.
You're Not Ashamed To Read Erotic Fiction In Public
2. You're not ashamed to read erotic fiction in public.
In this age of Kindles and iPads, actually carrying a binding-and-paper book is something to be proud of, to flaunt with pride. Doing so says, “Look at me, I’m an old-fashioned, classic kind of guy.” Even more tell-tale is the exact novel or short story collection that’s in your hands as you ride the train home, sit idly in a park, or recline alongside a body of water. Simply grasping a copy of The Grapes Of Wrath is an act liable to impress high-minded dames, regardless of whether you’re actually reading it or daydreaming about porn.
It takes a special type of man to walk around with a copy of Best Bondage Erotica in hand. Chances are, if you love reading passages that describe penetration with highfalutin prose, you’re most likely trying to fill in sex-free gaps with the next best thing after spanking the monkey in open spaces. Or hoping to catch the eye of a gal who prefers Harry Twatter to…you know. Either way, it’s unusual.
Unattractive Women Flock To You In Bars
1. Unattractive, and usually overweight, chicks flock to you in bars.
When you frequent the same bars and lounges on a routine basis, it’s easy to earn a reputation amongst the establishment’s employees and other regulars—think of it as the “Norm from Cheers syndrome.” The first understanding comes from the bartenders and their knowing of what your poison is, which leads to fresh glass of chaser-less vodka as soon as you grab a stool. The second realization: What are this guy’s social habits?
And when you’re always seen leaving the venue with hogs and trolls on your arm, the unfortunate rep grows bigger. But you just can’t help it; the objective for any night of drinking, in your warped mind, is to lay the pipe before entering dreamland. So if the only females who’ll give you the time of day happen to bear the aftereffects of ugly-stick beatings, so be it.
Just know that your insatiable appetite for poon has become common knowledge, and, since you’re a decent-enough-looking guy, women who can’t get any loving elsewhere are going to pounce (You're probably delighted to read that). As they say, the first step towards combating addiction is recognizing the problem. Especially when said problem is the long-haired linebacker waking up alongside you.