Kevin Hart is no stranger to clowning himself onstage. In his new stand-up Netflix special, Acting My Age, he described the real-life injury that left him temporarily wheelchair-bound and convinced that his penis had launched into a nearby bush.
The comedian opened the bit by joking about his fear of falling in the shower because he doesn't want anyone finding him naked and judging him. That led him straight into the story of the race that, in his words, "fucked [him] up real bad."
"You know why I think like this? Because of my last injury," Hart tells the audience. "I basically broke my dick. I don't know a better way to explain it."
The incident traces back to a friendly argument at a cookout, where Hart challenged former New England Patriots running back Stevan Ridley to a spontaneous foot race.
Hart said he ignored every warning sign that things would go awry, from Ridley stretching like a pro to his own minimal warm-up.
"He had so many stretches … deep hip things, groin shit, butt kicks," Hart said. "I went out that bitch and shook my legs twice. Bow, bow. Let's go."
Ridley exploded out of the makeshift starting line, leaving Hart panicked and questioning physics.
"For the first time ever, I pick my head up, I saw the back of his head," Hart said. "Oh my God, I'm fucking losing."
With eight steps left, Hart said disaster struck: "Second to last step, I felt it. It felt like my dick flew off my body and went in the bush."
Hart froze mid-run, made eye contact with his friends, and immediately knew he was in trouble, while his trainer recognized it instantly. Hart then gave his only request to help him get through this painful ordeal.
"Go get my wife right now. When you ask for your wife, that means you want to get your life affairs in order," Hart said before explaining his wife arrived furious, only for him to beg her to "go look in that bush and see if you see my dick."
Hart explained that he went to the doctor and learned he tore muscles in his abdomen and both adductors, leaving him unable to walk. He had already shared the aftermath with fans days after the race, when he revealed his injuries and acknowledged his age.
"Age 40 is real," he said at the time in a viral Instagram video. "Respect that age, or that age will make you respect it."
He added, "My dick look like a fucking thumb. Everything is swollen. Balls big as hell, balls look like my fist."
In true Hart fashion, the joke landed where it started, with him fully owning both the injury and the ego bruising that came with it. As he summed up, "It was a sad day. My dick was in the bush, man. Or at least it felt like it."
Acting My Age is available to stream on Netflix.