10 Signs That the NYPD Slowdown Has Gone Too Far

It's a good time to be a criminal in New York City. Angry cops, in an effort to discredit Mayor Bill de Blasio's ability to run the city he was elected to lead, have stopped doing their jobs. The New York Post originally reported that this "virtual work stoppage" had infiltrated all manner of crime from petty infractions to drug trafficking.

It all started two days after officers Wenjian Liu and Rafael Ramos were tragically ambushed in Brooklyn while sitting in their patrol car, and after Pat Lynch of the Patrolmen's Benevolent Association accused de Blasio of having "blood on his hands." The whole thing is probably a backdoor power grab orchestrated by people like Lynch, but who cares! Let's take advantage of the situation while we can and start breaking some laws. (Crime has been going down for way too long anyway.)

But we need to act fast. Cops will probably get super bored with this "not really working" business and suddenly find themselves, I don't know, protecting and serving. I mean, I'm guilty of phoning it in occasionally, but there are only so many "U Guessed It" Vines and cat GIFs with rainbows. Similarly, there are only so many donuts to eat, so many funerals at which to turn your back, and so much rhetoric to spin before you decide to change your underwear and get to work.

So let's start playing the NYPD's game and tear some shit up. But since we're all adults here, we need to know where to draw the line. Here are 10 Signs That the NYPD Slowdown Has Gone Too Far.

Lauretta Charlton is an Associate Editor at Complex. Follower her on Twitter at @laurettaland.

The "Loud Challenge" Will No Longer Be Challenging or Entertaining

One of the reasons why the "Loud Challenge" is so amusing is because it comes with the thrill of being caught. If you eliminate the risk, all that's left is a bunch of videos of kids smoking blunts while shopping at Walmart. Where's the intrigue! Where's the drama! Let's keep New York interesting by making sure law-breaking purely for the spectacle remains a viable way to reach over 100,000 YouTube views.

A Tidal Wave of Urine Will Flow Down Park Ave.

Last year at this time, summonses for acts like public urination were 94 percent higher. Some could argue the number reflects the fact that public urination lost its appeal in 2014. They'd be wrong. We're still pissing in the streets. According this highly entertaining 1989 New York Times report, we've always loved to piss in the streets. We're just not getting in trouble for our "noxious emission of liquids" in 2015.

Once rivers of piss start running down the street, we'll consider calling 911.

Hipsters Will Get Drunk and Start Rapping in Public

Public consumption of alcohol is totally chill right now, but once drunk hipsters on the streets of Brooklyn start displaying rap hands and spitting verses like their ultimate 'round the way girl, Taylor Swift, all bets are off. Law enforcement needs to get involved immediately.

People Will Try to Ride the Subway Correctly

What's this? Insufficient Fare. Curses! You've missed your train and now you have to wait on the platform with the shitty singer-songwriter chasing his dreams one bad Bob Dylan cover at a time. Good thing you can now just jump the turnstile without getting a ticket. This luxury, however, necessitates that we all figure out how to maximize the number of passengers able to fit in any individual train car at one time. Which, of course, is impossible to do without causing a total bloodbath.

Alternate-Side Parking Rules Will Be Suspended Forever

If no one pays attention to alternate-side parking rules because cops aren't issuing parking violations, it means the Department of Sanitation won't be given the opportunity to clean up all of the urine and vomit we're now free to unleash on the streets of Manhattan, thanks to the NYPD. Our streets will become one giant toilet soup.

The BQE Will Turn Into a German Autobahn (or a Deathtrap)

Drivers are free to go as fast as they wish on the Autobahn. Can you image what that would look like in New York? It would be total carnage. Since cops aren't issuing traffic tickets right now, that's where we're headed. Don't ride the BQE unless you have a death wish.

Jails Will Become Ghost Towns and the Liberal Media Will Feel Duped

Rikers Island had a banner year in 2014. They received an incredible amount of free press for the facility's devastating culture of violence. Who wants a world in which "endemic brutality against inmates" is a thing of the past? It's the lifeblood of New York. It's in our bones. When cops stop arresting people, our jails remain empty leaving the liberal New York media establishment with one less thing to feel righteously indignant about.

Citizens Will Stop-and-Frisk Each Other For Fun

Judge Shira A. Scheindlin ruled Stop-and-Frisk unconstitutional in 2013, and de Blasio put an end to the practice as soon as he took office. Crime is down, even though cops were stripped of their right to indiscriminately harass people of color in the name of justice and crime fighting. Little did they know, we actually enjoyed a gentle pat down on occasion. It was our little secret at first, but now that cops are leaving us alone all together, we're having withdrawals.

Loosies Will Cost More Than a Soy Latte

Cops are such a gas, aren't they? One minute they're performing an impermissible chokehold, the next they're complaining about "protracted contract negotiations." You just never know with these guys. And that's part of the fun! They make life interesting. That's why selling loosies has become more addictive than gambling in New Jersey. New Yorkers have started to buy and sell loosies at exorbitant rates just for the thrill of knowing it may end in uncertain death once cops start working again.

All Reason Will Go Out the Window

Once the cops stop working, the very fabric of our existence starts to disintegrate. Cops are responsible for maintaining order. They keep our streets safe and our hearts warm. Without cops, all logic and reason go out the window. We won't know what side of the street to drive our car, or who to call when someone threatens to murder us just because we're black. The ultimate sign that the stoppage has gone too far is that we stop appreciating how important it is to have cops policing the streets.