Image via Complex Original
Selfies have been around since humans first started scratching pictures on cave walls. Back then they were just called self-portraits, but as people started shedding three-piece suits and top hats for skinny jeans and snapbacks, the self portrait has been abbreviated, informalized, and immortalized as the selfie. In 2013, we hit a turning point: Oxford English Dictionary named selfie the word of the year, a selfie made the cover of the New York Post last Wednesday, and scientists are even conducting studies on selfies. The desire for instant self-portraits has taken control of body and mind, and as a society, we are slowly killing ourselves by selfie. As people feel the need to document themselves literally everywhere, the natural ability to be aware and protect oneself from imminent danger disappears. It will not be Global Warming or the Apocalypse that leads to the end of humanity, but rather our inability to stop taking pictures of ourselves at any and every given moment.
Just imagine: alien's finally make it to Earth, but are met with complete destruction; crumpled buildings and overturned cars are all that remain. And what about us? Leftover smartphones scattered next to decaying remains document humans last moments on Earth. Here’s how it’s about to go down.
Lauren Schwartzberg is a New York-based freelance writer. You can troll for rare selfies of her on Twitter, @LaurSchwar.
#BikingSelfie
Because everyone needs to know where you're going and how you're getting there, life in transit is the easiest and quickest way to die by selfie. Not pictured: a minute after this was posted tongue man fell off his bike and lost his tongue in the tragic accident. #RideorDie for realz.
#ChokingOnFoodSelfie
Instagramming your lunch is just so boring these days. This chick adds some much needed excitement to the Instagram feed by posting a picture while eating lunch. The problem: This chocolate looks like it's going a little deep, eh? One wrong move while Fruitloopsz is futzing with the touch screen and it's game over.
#DrivingSelfie
This one's a full on phenomenon because why would anyone pay attention to the road when our smartphones have cameras?! CNN first reported the trend—yes, it's that much of a trend—and Advocates for Highway and Auto Safety and Toyota have even spoken out. But who cares! Squish looks great cruising around! At least she reminds everyone to #alwayswearyourseatbelt. You never know with all these drivers snapping selfies on the road.
#WalkingIntoOncomingTrafficSelfie
Everyone looks cute until they get hit by a car.
#SuckedIntoOceanUndertowSelfie
It's risky enough to take a cell phone near the ocean, but turn your back on that big blue monster and the wave might just suck you in too. Extra points to transit22 for the sunglasses reflection, though. Seeing the camera in the picture too is a nice reflexive touch.
#PoisonousSnakeBiteSelfie
I don't trust people who enjoy the company of snakes. This lil thang will attempt to look all cute for a picture before he snaps at you like you're the forbidden apple. Either that, or Glitter slithers her way around your neck just a liiiitle too tight. This isn't Snakes on a Plane, people. Samuel L. Jackson can't save you.
#CigOnFireEscapeSelfie
First of all, who cares if you're on a fire escape? Everyone has one and they're not that special. But you still decide to hold your cigarette in one hand and the camera out front with the other, posing for that perfect picture. But it just rained and the metal is slick. One wrong turn to get a better angle and...
#NosebleedsAtAConcertSelfie
It's all fun and games until you're in the 225 section of Barclay's trying to cop a selfie with Yeezus. That shit is steep. You don't have to be drunk to step back just one extra half-step and go tumbling down. Although if you're willing to take the hit it might be a decent way to scam your way into better seats.
#DroppingPhoneOnFaceSelfie
Oh, I look cute here. All my followers need to know my "Fresh from the nap" face. And if I shoot it from above and angle it back just right no one can see my double chin! My eyes look nice and big too. Almost as cute as Scully! I'm going to get at least 50...oh! ugh! Ouch! Five seconds after this picture was taken she broke her nose and cracked her screen. Beware of the ever-present danger of the selfie.
#IPostTooManySelfiesSoNoOneTalksToMeAndIDieAloneInMyRoomSelfie
Yes, it's been scientifically proven that posting too many selfies will hurt your real-world relationships. If you don't trust me, trust science. Your selfies are so unbearable that no one will talk to you anymore and you will be stuck home alone taking pictures of yourself until the end of time. Which will happen to everyone because no one can stop taking pictures of themselves. So in the end, the selfie wins and robots take over the world.