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Ah, teen flicks. There's nothing like a quick hit of nostalgia to make you realize what an ass you were for never being fully appreciative of that time frame in which one really had no responsibilities other than procuring booze and booty. Holding down a 16-hour job, paying off school loans, living on ramen—these are things that make the daunting Social Studies homework of yesteryear seem tame by comparison. Though there are lots of '90s offerings that'll do the job when we're buggin' and need a little blast from the past, nothing truly delivers the warm-and-fuzzy feelings of American Pie (or maybe it's just the Shannon Elizabeth nude scene).
Speaking of which, the race between the movie's core crew to lose their virginity resulted in an endless supply of hilarious "getting-off-gone-wrong" moments, but none of the dudes ever seemed to have it quite as bad as Jim (Jason Biggs). The guy could never catch a break, whether he was proving himself a model minuteman with the sexiest girl in school or enduring pep talk after painstakingly awkward pep talk with his prying dad (Eugene Levy).
Those, however, could never compare to the embarrassment we all felt on his behalf when, in an attempt to get a sense of what third base feels like, he satisfies his cravings by getting down and dirty with a helpless pie in his kitchen—only to have his dad walk in on the man-on-baked good action. The result? A scene that's become one of the most iconic, but far from the most shocking samples of sexy time in which there's only one consenting adult...because the other isn't human.
In honor of the American Pie franchise's seemingly final installment, American Reunion, which hits theaters this weekend, we present to you our list of The 15 Weirdest Things People Have Had Sex With in Movies.
Written by Lauren Otis (@LaurNado)
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15. A Donkey
As seen in: Clerks 2 (2006)
Those in the dark as to what a "donkey show" is will have it burned into their brains, no question, after a viewing of Clerks' second installment. As a going away surprise for former Quick Stop Mart employee Dante (Brian O'Halloran), his partner in crime, Randal (Jeff Anderson), opts to shock and awe with a little help from Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.
Regrettably, just after the Kevin Smith crew settle into their seats, prepared to watch a hot chick knock hooves with the animal kingdom's most ridiculed member, they're presented with an even bigger surprise when they discover that The Sexy Stud is actually a massive dude in ass-less chaps.
14. A Duck
As seen in: Howard the Duck (1986)
Kinky Kelly isn't the only animal lover to provide audiences with an awkward taste of "interspecies erotica." In the comic-inspired Howard the Duck movie, one of the film's most hilariously awful scenes arrives in the form of a scantily-clad Lea Thompson laying the moves on a terrifying reincarnation of the Steve Gerber character.
As the two jump in the sack, Thompson lets extraterrestrial humanoid duck Howard know she's ready to ruffle some feathers with a coquettish smile and a seductive uttering of, "So, do you think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, ducky?" The unsubtle rising of the bird's feathers provided us all the answer we needed.
13. A Pie
As seen in: American Pie (1999)
Was R. Kelly inspired by the '90s teen classic when he conceived his TP3 masterpiece "Sex in the Kitchen?" Though there hasn't been any firm proof, sweet love takes on a whole new meaning when horny high school senior Jim (Jason Biggs) decides to drop trou for an afternoon tryst on the kitchen counter with an apple pie his mom brought home.
Unfortunately, the pie didn't have a chance to break him off before his dad barged in, breaking off the session itself and revealing the annihilated remains of the dish we haven't been able to look at in the same way ever since.
12. A Pillow
As seen in: Black Swan (2010)
We'll admit it, there are a handful of people we've come to realize we wouldn't mind trading places with. Waking up to Kanye's wardrobe or Jay-Z's...everything would be pretty awesome, to say the least. After a viewing of Darren Aronofsky's much-loved 2010 film, however, a particular scene in which Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman) takes her dance instructor's advice to go home and explore her sexuality seriously had us estimating how many limbs we'd sever to swap lives with her pillow.
The explosive moment of self-love, in which Portman beds her bedding, couldn't have made us more envious of her fluffy friend-with-benefits. Cooler than the other side of the pillow? Not when both sides are on fire.
11. A Flute
As seen in: American Pie (1999)
The sexual experimentation with inanimate objects doesn't stop with Jim in our list-inspiring flick: Michelle Flaherty (Allyson Hannigan), his band camp boo-turned-wife, too, exhibits creative thinking when it comes to pleasure props, perhaps providing some additional explanation as to why the duo are so well-matched.
As the two are getting to know one another, and Jim is simply grateful to have a sexual prospect, he endures a never-ending supply of geeky stories about his ladyfriend's days at band camp. Her last, however, was one that he was guaranteed never to forget. That would be the one in which she catches him—as well as the rest of us—off guard by revealing that she likes to stick her flute in the most private of places. As she puts it, "You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's half of what band camp is!"
Consider yourselves exposed, campers.
10. A Robot
As seen in: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Oh, behave? It'd be hard to keep such loaded promises when you're curling up with a fine female like Vanessa Kensington (Elizabeth Hurley)—even if she does turn out to be a murderous fem-bot. It's surprising that Austin (Mike Myers) didn't manage to notice something was off a bit earlier in the game. Then again, in close proximity to a body like that, it'd be easy to overlook a little robotic love-making.
9. A Wound
As seen in: Crash (1996)
Love hurts. So do your eyes from all the bleeding they do in the wake of watching James Spader in his creepiest love scene to date. In place of bruised secretaries and suspect film archives, viewers of David Cronenberg's flick are treated to a kinky car crash Romeo penetrating one of his Juliets via a massive wound in the back of her thigh. The outcome: An audience that's just as scarred as dude's conquest.
8. A Decapitated Head
As seen in: Re-Animator (1985)
Speaking of gory sexcapades, the cult classic Re-Animator similarly features a wounded star getting lucky. In this case, an unfortunate fiancee ends up getting cunnilingually assaulted in a morgue by the vengeful severed noggin of a dude who was decapitated, then brought back to life by the freaky med student that her man rents a room to. And you thought you'd experienced bad head.
7. Sandpaper
As seen in: The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)
If you've ever stumbled upon an episode of HBO's Real Sex or read through pretty much anything sent to Dan Savage, you're already aware that there are some, uh, colorful kinks out there. From those who love to wear diapers to those who can't perform without glancing at a photo of Ed Koch, there are sexual cravings that revolve around just about anything under the sun.
But even HBO's late night crew have to draw the line somewhere. We can't imagine its producers not raising an eyebrow at a deranged murderer who enjoys, above a woman, or even a well-lotioned hand, thrusting his wood into a rolled portion of sand paper—while watching The Human Centipede's first eyeball-burning installment, no less! Which part's more masochistic? You be the judge.
6. A Chicken
As seen in: Pink Flamingos (1972)
Against expectation, poultry porn stars are a more common trend than one would guess. Well, Howard the Duck might've been a little more ready and willing than the helpless chicken caught between lovers in John Waters' controversial black comedy. More specifically, the bestial bedfellows rope the bird into what can only be dubbed one of the most fucked up three-ways on record, smashing it to death with their bodies in the act.
We can only imagine the PETA rallies if this was a recent release.
5. A Corpse
As seen in: Clerks (1994)
Refusing to leave any ground uncovered when it comes to shunned sex, Clerks writer-director Kevin Smith proves once again that he's not afraid to tackle the taboo when Dante's unlucky lady friend Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer) enjoys a dirty dalliance in the bathroom with a recently-deceased masturbator, who she mistakenly assumes to be her man.
Sadly for her, after recapping every last steamy detail, her ex breaks the news that he'd never been inside (ahem), causing a massive freak-out. Hey, at least it seems her new friend went out with a bang. Heyo!
[Editor's note: If you're into yet more disturbing versions of corpse sex, be sure to check out Deadgirl and the Nekromantik series!]
4. A Computer
As seen in: Demon Seed (1977)
Slow connection speeds, random freezes, years of files lost—we've all been fucked by our computers...but never quite as literally as Demon Seed star Julie Christie, whose character Susan Harris is subjected to an involuntary digital get-down with an evil, artificially intelligent super model. Developed by her neglectful computer scientist husband, Proteus becomes increasingly self-sufficient and powerful, wanting before long to procreate.
Susan, unfortunately, becomes his vessel of choice, and is imprisoned by the computer, who rapes her and impregnates her using an altered version of her own cells (but not without taking care to monitor all her vitals). Suddenly a few pesky browser pop-ups don't seem quite so bad.
3. An Alien
As seen in: Species (1995)
As bizarre or disturbing as some of our list-makers' choices in sex partners have been, for the most part, the copulating parties knew what they were signing up for. What you see is what you get, right? Not if you're messing with Sil (Natasha Henstridge), an escaped killer alien with an extreme case of a ticking biological clock.
Posing as a sexy blonde, her goal is to find mates and reproduce as soon as possible before she's tracked down by the scientists that recognized her capacity for harm in their labs. What lamely wasn't recognized, more specifically by one of her trackers, Dr. Stephen Arden (Alfred Molina), was a simple change of hairstyle. After getting busy with the woman he's spent the course of the movie hunting, the pillow talk is put on hold for his love to sprout tentacles and (presumably, judging from that last shot) stab him in the face with her razor tongue, as she's prone to do.
Dudes, let this be a lesson. Be sure to notice when your lady updates her look. If you don't, chances are it'll come back to bite you in the ass later.
2. An 80-Foot Python
As seen in: Boa vs. Python (2004)
In the most imaginative interpretation of the "David Blaine" sex maneuver we've ever seen represented in film, we're made privy to an intimate moment between an award-winningly oblivious girlfriend and her man, who's attacked by an enormous snake and pulled from the car while he's in the middle of going down on her. With her eyes closed, concentrating on the sensations below, she fails to notice that "Brian" has become reptile food—or that the massive python has slipped into the car and taken his place.
Amazingly enough, the snake's skills appeared to exceed her boyfriend's; the woman's moans in response to the new Brian were all kinds of loud, at least until she took a look down to admire her pleasurer. Rough.
1. A Giant Lobster
As seen in: Multiple Maniacs (1970)
If there's one thing we've learned from John Waters flicks, it's that nothing can ever really prepare you for lobster rape. Childish Gambino may playfully insinuate that his "girls stay wet like I'm fuckin' with a lobster," but we doubt he truly understands how scarring an experience that can actually be—especially if it's a 15-feet long and forcing itself on you.
The director's muse Divine regrettably had to learn that lesson the hard(-shelled) way after the enormous crustacean randomly ambles into her house not long after she's discovered the corpse of her missing daughter. Talk about having a bad day.