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When I heard that there was going to be an Office-style mockumentary show with The Muppets, I got super excited. I remember when Kermit and the squad took over Manhattan (I wore out my copy of that flick on VHS while eating peanut butter crackers), and probably watched every episode of the squad in baby form. As one of my favorite additions to the fall TV schedule, I wanted to take a different look at what The Muppets were offering.
It’s time to rank the fuck out of these puppets.
Therein lies the problem, though: there are a shitload of Muppets that help make Up Late With Miss Piggy a thing. I mean, those little rats that Gonzo hangs out with are cool, but it’s rare that one of them will actually impact a story, right? Why not just highlight the Muppets who are actually doing the damn thing in tonight’s premiere, and ranking them properly from worst to best… makes sense, right?
7. Denise
In last place, we have Denise, aka Kermit’s new swine… I mean sweetheart. I was already skeptical of homegirl when word leaked of Kermit’s apparent love for ham, and judging by the premiere, I’m not entirely sure what she does (well, aside from smashing the head honcho). She got Kermit some food and ended up leading him astray in a situation involving Piggy. She also has an odd accent. If she develops into something more than “that rebound pig,” I’d be surprised.
6. Gonzo
Right above her is Gonzo. You have to wonder how homeboy stays employed, right? His first appearance involved him dissing the entire format of the show, then lying about his diss! Shady little fucker! He returned with a dad joke-worthy Dancing With the Stars sketch idea, but Kermit wasn’t rocking with it. You almost have to wonder how the god continues to stay employed. Does he have some dirt on Kermit?
5. Scooter
Kermit’s main man Scooter might not be good at his job, but he has one ill bit with Elizabeth Banks that is pretty damn hilarious. He’s trying to divert the actress from messing up Kermit’s plan, and has to drive Banks around the studio lot. He asked her what she does, and when she gave off an annoyed answer about being an actress, he hits her with the perfect “well why don’t you ACT like you like having someone drive you around!” Of course, he ate it a few seconds later, but that comeback was a win.
4. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
Animal and the squad (who are essentially the biggest burnouts on the set) actually pull off some dope gags throughout; one of them mistakes the daily meeting as an AA meeting, while another makes a braindead comment about the Imagine Dragons’ “original name.” The best is when Animal lets it be known that he can’t go on the road with the Dragons, because groupie love.
3. Miss Piggy
Now the entire premise of this series might be based on a late night talk show that Miss Piggy hosts, but for the first episode she’s talked about–a lot–but not necessarily a focal point of the show. She’s a supreme diva who does have a heart hidden under the make-up and half-eaten moon pies of her life. We get to see where she and Kermit finally went wrong, and it’s damn touching; she also throws out some pretty wild plastic surgery zingers towards the end of the show. Ultimately, we might need MORE Piggy to have her stay in the upper echelon of Muppets characters on the show.
2. Fozzy Bear
Trust and believe, Fozzy might lowkey be the best character on this show. He kicks things off early by trying to swipe the champagne that’s backstage because he has an important dinner date with his girl and her parents, who don’t mess with him at all. He drives a dope ride, has a woman who loves him, and gets more screen time than you might guess, given that he’s essentially the Ed McMahon to Piggy’s Johnny Carson. Look for him to be the sleeper character this season.
1. Kermit
There’s no way Kermit can be anything but #1 on this ranking. The entire A-plot is centered around his leadership on this insane set. Also, he’s the right kind of asshole; Kermit tells like it is, whether it’s how much Scooter messed something up to outright saying he isn’t feeling something Gonzo is doing. He has some Michael Scott-ish qualities, but that’s more in the awkward situation department than complete absent-mindedness. Kermit is about business and is more about controlling a band of crazies than projecting his crazy on others.
It’ll be interesting to see where the Kermit / Denise / Piggy storyline goes. It also appears that it’ll be hard to knock Kermit from that #1 spot for a bit. Or at least until Fozzy goes rogue and starts The Fozzy Bear Television Show.