Image via Complex Original
Basketball video game designers take great care in capturing the intricacies of the NBA game. Over the years, one-button passing, shooting, and dribble moves have been replaced by complicated patterns of button mashing that allow gamers to control contests down to the muscle twitch. But for all the realism in basketball games, something's missing. Let's call it "the fuckery." Or, if that's too blue for you, the male soap opera. Because, let's be real, we watch the NBA as much to see Carmelo Anthony go ham for a scoring title as we do to see Kevin Garnett get under Melo's skin by telling him what cereal his wife tastes like.
With the NBA Playoffs in full swing, Complex takes a closer look at the details of what's going on, both on and off the court. Eyeballs warmed up and stretched? 'Cause it's time to blow the whistle on 10 Real Life Features That Should Be In Basketball Video Games.
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
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Blinding Press Conference Outfits
Millions of dollars can buy a lot of clothes, but they can't buy good taste. In today's NBA, the real game is the postgame press conference, where players compete to show how much (or often how little) they know about fashion from dating models.
Lose your game on XBox Live? No matter. You can still dress your players in garish prints, high-water pants, and nerdy glasses frames and win the award for "Most Urkel," like your boy Russell Westbrook. Or see if you can take the crown from Miami's big three for "Most Salmon Worn."
Comical Flopping
NBA players aren't gifted actors. It's true on the big screen (Dennis Rodman makes Jean-Claude Van Damme look like Paul Newman in Double Team) but also on the hardwood, where flops intended to draw fouls calls grew so ridiculous that the league implemented anti-flopping rules in 1997 and, for the 2012-2013 season, started issuing fines to those who went down like gangsters paid them to throw a fight.
The jab step was a great addition to a gamer's offensive arsenal, but you'll want to think twice about executing one when the defender on you is prone to jerking back like he's been struck by an assassin's bullet in Call of Duty.
Ridiculous Celebrations
One of the parts of the FIFA series is user-controlled goal celebrations. What exactly is the point of hitting a big shot in a hoops game if you can't use a combination of buttons to do Sam Cassell's "big balls dance"?
Ball Hogs
Ball hog. Black hole. Where ball movement goes to die. In the NBA, there are guys nobody wants to pass to, even if they're superstars, because the ball will remain in their hands until they either score or turn the rock over. While you might want to control virtual Kobe Bryant, Carmelo Anthony, or Jamal Crawford because they're good scorers, try off-the-ball mode when they've got it. No matter how many buttons you press to call for a pass, the only balls you're touching are deeeeez.
The Kobe Stare
If you dare to keep the ball out of Kobe's hands for two straight possessions, prepare for Superstar Sulk Mode™. And seriously, as a video game player/coach, if you decide to pull up for three with Jodie Meeks (player rating of 69 on NBA 2K13) instead of Black Mamba (92), you deserve his patented FOH death stare.
Offensive Trash Talking
If you turn up the court volume on an NBA video game, you'll hear a point guard barking out commands. What you don't hear is Kevin Garnett telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife, Lala Vasquez, tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. Or Kevin Garnett calling Charlie Villanueva, who has the skin disease alopecia universalis, which results in hair loss, a "cancer patient." Or Kevin Garnett wishing Tim Duncan, who lost his mom to breast cancer when he was 14, a "Happy Mothers' Day, motherfucker."
Need that added incentive to crush the Boston Celtics in your season? If virtual KG was as big of an asshole as actual KG, motivation would never be a problem. Preventing your players from trying to put him in a choke hold, maybe.
Fake Fights
Once a player crosses the line with a comment or hard foul in the NBA, you know it's on! Muscles will tense and sweat will fly—as players strike their best "hold me back!" pose and try to look like they're would to kick some serious ass if only their teammates and coaches would let go of them.
In hockey games, the fight mode is one of the best, and you're wise to go right in for the KO blow. In basketball games, the point would actually be to avoid the fight while continuing to look crazy and menacing, thus ensuring your "tough guy meter" remains at full strength.
Booing Courtside Celebrities
Generic animated crowds are as flat as a basketball Eddy Curry just sat on. Every NBA city has its version of the courtside celebrity. In L.A., the most famous is Jack Nicholson. In New York, it's Spike Lee. In Milwaukee, it's...an outstanding milking cow? The flip side to the beloved local hero is the local whipping boy, who everybody loves to abuse (see NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez). At least that way you can blame the crowd's boos on someone else when you're 2 for 20.
Refs Stealing the Spotlight
Every sport has officials who get blinded by the lights and forget that fans pay money to watch stars do their thing, not to admire the frequency with which they can blow a whistle, and the NBA is no different. Looking for a new challenge after dominating in the most difficult levels? Try winning an NBA game when an egomaniacal ref Joey Crawford tosses your star player for looking at them sideways after a suspicious third foul call in the game's first five minutes.
Sad and/or Overly Exuberant Benchwarmers
All their athletic lives, these guys have been standout players, often the best on their teams. In the Association, the competition is bigger, faster, stronger, and just plain better than they are, so the only play they get is at the club when they tell women that they know Blake Griffin. It's no different in the video game world—unless you're dicking around, trying to show up your opponent by battling them with the worst rated fivesome on your roster.
Languishing on the end of the bench—sometimes pushed all the way off to make room for teammates who'll actually break a sweat—these guys go one of two ways, either enthusiasm so melodramatic it warrants a drug test or ennui. No, it's not you, virtual Jimmer Fredette really is pondering a career in real estate.
