The Frequent Poster
Most Likely To Appear: When discussing British romantic comedies and '80s rock cover bands
How does this person even get work done? Seriously, how can one person hit "reply all" that many times and still be productive? When this person is firing on all cylinders, it's best to sit back and wait until the blitz is over. Otherwise you'll spend an inordinate amount of time checking your inbox, only to find more messages from the same person from the same email thread.
The Email Thread Police
Most Likely To Appear: When debating why "bitches love Sosa"
Email threads oftentimes get out of control. But, to be fair, that's what makes them mildly entertaining. And, when things get too cray, we can always count on the authoritative figure to pop up and restore order. Like clockwork, when the email thread deviates into a forum of ratchetness and irreparable slander, there's always that one person who brings us back to our original point of discussion. What a buzzkill.
The Revivalist
Most Likely To Appear: Two weeks after we've all forgotten about the thread
All email threads are not created equal. Some are lively and interesting, while others are boring and barely worth a half-assed gander. Whatever the case may be, one thing is certain: All email threads eventually die. It's an inevitable part of life (yes, even on the Internet). And yet, just when you thought you buried a heated back-and-forth exchange in the cyber graveyard, someone resuscitates it, weeks after its expiration date. It's puzzling, too, because you can't help but wonder: This person must have gone back through hundreds, maybe thousands, of emails to find this thread just to add some useless tidbit of information. Wouldn't their time be better spent in other ways, like working or creeping on Facebook?
The Repeat Poster
Most Likely To Appear: While scanning Twitter, gchatting with two friends, and blasting Waka Flocka Flame
Few people are less considerate than The Repeat Poster. Yes, some threads get really long and it's hard to keep track of everything that has been said, but the very least you can do is scan it over one time before jumping into the conversation. Hastily throwing in your two cents is Bush League at best. Not only does it contribute nothing to the thread, but it's also bad email etiquette. One violation is excusable, anything thereafter deserves some sort of public call out.
The Invisible Commenter
Most Likely To Appear: During a spirited discussion about LeBron James' disappearing hairline
This person has very little clout amongst his peers. Whatever he says goes widely unrecognized and, for better or worse, he will continue to contribute to the thread. His comments aren't bad, but neither are they insightful. He adds to the thread sporadically and, although no one really pays attention to what he has to say, his participation is important for keeping the thread active, especially when there's a string of bad suggestions or ridiculous comments.
The False Prophet
Most Likely To Appear: When trying to prove a point (read: stunt) about his knowledge of the '96 World Series championship Yankees squad
Every now and again you'll read something in a thread and Google it to see if it's true. The amount of knowledge that gets dropped in any given thread is crazy. You learn something new every time, which you can, in turn, use in causal conversations and look a lot smarter than you actually are. Sometimes, however, you might find that certain nuggets of wisdom are false. Most of the time you can trace it back to the same few people who are known to throw out weird "factoids" that seem a little too good to be true. Thread trolling is a serious offense and these people are the worst offenders.
The Incessant Joker
Most Likely To Appear: Right after a serious discussion about Obama's new plan for anti-gun legislation
One of the reasons why email threads are insufferable, the Incessant Joker always finds a way to inject his or her weird sense of humor into the chain of messages. Though it rarely disrupts anything, it's still annoying. Why the Email Thread Police hasn't nabbed them yet for unwanted comic relief we don't know. Not to say we're against having a laugh or two, but to tack on a dry joke at the end of every message? That's the shit we don't like.
The Side (Conversation) Hustler
Most Likely To Appear: After conversation has veered onto the topic of interracial relationships
Despite heavy back-and-forth happening in the main thread, the Side Conversation Hustler takes it upon himself to extend the conversation in a separate email, or even worse, an awkward gchat. Sure, some things are more appropriate to discuss outside of the thread, but breaking off into extra small talk isn't exactly how you want to spend your time—especially when you have several days of World Star videos to catch up on.
The Troublemaker
Most Likely To Appear: When discussing the importance of diversity on primetime television shows
Something's bound to pop off when an email thread—especially one involving many people—digresses into something completely unrelated. For the most part, threads are meant to be lighthearted and entertaining. That is, until someone crosses the line and drops an off-color comment that is sure to offend. Cue the Email Thread Police, because damage control is needed to prevent a digital mutiny.
The Thread Killer
Most Likely To Appear: Last
It's hard to keep a thread going once the idea well has dried up. Oftentimes the final posts are recycled afterthoughts that rarely prompt a dignified response. While there might be a handful of individuals who contributed to the thread's demise, ultimately the last person to post shoulders the blame as Thread Killer. It should also be noted that people who choose not contribute to the thread deserve to be indicted as well. They are the bystanders whistling with their hands behind their backs while the thread drowns in a stream of struggle.