Image via Complex Original
Mariah Carey: Queen of Pettiness, Queen of the Holiday Season, and now, Queen of Reality TV. We’ve all taken some serious Ls this year, but at least the debut of Mariah’s World tonight restored some semblance of right in the world. The show is preeetty crazy, but not in the way you’d expect. The show allows us to see how involved Mariah is in every aspect of her artistic persona: she does her “engineering” (i.e. works with her sound guy to construct melodies for the concert), starts rehearsing choreography at 10:30pm and doesn’t stop until well after 3 a.m., and even picks her dancers (“the white guy has to go”). It’s why Mariah calls her show a documentary and not a reality show—that really sets the tone for the whole thing, even if the first thing we hear from her is, “I have never wanted to do this documentary in my life.” Mariah is entirely in control of how her story is told, even if she can’t control how that story unfolds in real life.
The first episode throws us right into the hectic days leading up to Mariah’s European tour, when she’s still planning her wedding to ex-fiancé, James Packer. The scenes of Mariah gushing over Packer and her impending wedding are painful to watch because we know just how much things have changed since this was filmed; that wedding is called off now, and the dress that fit Mariah so perfectly in this episode has probably been burned or thrown into a vat of acid somewhere. Which is all to say, there were some pretty insane moments in this episode—and we’re so grateful for them.
Mariah vs. Her Alter Ego
The Moment: Bianca introduces the entire show
Bianca, Mariah’s brunette alter ego and arch nemesis, makes a comeback. You might remember her from "Heartbreaker," and finally she’s returned so you can worry whether her “boobs come out during the interview” or not.
Mariah vs. the Norms of Swimwear
The Moment: Mariah jumps into the ocean in a sparkly gown, diamonds, and sunglasses, for no apparent reason
This is vaguely reminiscent of the time Kim Kardashian lost a $75,000 earring while taking a dip in Bora Bora (“Kim, there’s people that are dying”), but Mariah executes it with the confidence of someone who’s done this plenty of times before.
Mariah vs. Comfort
The Moment: Mariah casually lounges in 3 different chaise lounge chairs with coordinating outfits in just one episode.
Probably one of the most iconic television moments of the year. Shoutout to the slightly hidden glass of wine she's holding. #same.
Mariah vs. Age
The Moment: Mariah saying, “I’m just so excited about this too because I have not been performing in Europe in—somebody said it was 10 years. I don’t know if I believe that, because I wasn’t born 10 years ago yet.”
Apparently Mariah Carey is nine years old. Spread the word.
Mariah vs. Thirst
The Moment: The dripping sexual tension between Mariah and one of her dancers
Bryan Tanaka is one of Mariah’s dancers and has been touring with her for years. You could cut the sexual tension between them with a diamond-encrusted knife. He tells us that when he started working with her, “I was a young buck, this green rookie” but now he’s “turned into a man, and she’s gone through so much” so he wants to just be “homeys” again, to “just talk.” According to these extravagant beach photos though, it looks like they've been doing a lot of "talking."
Mariah vs. Fluorescent Lighting
The Moment: Mariah saying, “I’m wearing these glasses because we’re in fluorescent lighting and I have a rule which states that I will not be seen in fluorescent lighting without sunglasses. I know it’s very 90s. I don’t give a f*ck.”
Spoken like a true DIVA.