Image via Complex Original
For little kids, meeting Santa Claus is one of the greatest parts of the Christmas experience. The same can't be said for your average mall Santa, however. Jokes about mall Santas and drinking have jumped the shark at this point; Bad Santa was an hour-and-a-half of Billy Bob Thornton drunk.
It's a tough gig. For hours on end, little kids demand the impossible while seated damply in your lap. They want race cars, ponies, lightsabers, superpowers. All the while, you have to temper their expectations, so they're not completely devastated when they get books and dress clothes on. Maybe that's why the guys in these photos look so damn sad. It's a lot of pressure for a part-time job.
Keep It Together, Kris Kringle
What Santa's Thinking: "I've never made my own children happy—how could I possibly help you?"
Merry Christmas, or Whatever
What Santa's Thinking: "Everything is hell."
This Can't Be Over Fast Enough
What Santa's Thinking: "Why can't they be gentle?"
He's Never Doing This Again
What Santa's Thinking: "If the bells don't work, I've got nothing."
No Escape
What Santa's Thinking: "Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me."
The Confusion
What Santa's Thinking: "My lap is full of human shit."
Take a Knee
What Santa's Thinking: "If I comfort the knee, maybe it won't hate me."
No Escape, No Hope
What Santa's Thinking: "I realize now how much she's just like the others, cold and distant, and many people are like that, women for sure, they're like a union."
Curly
What Santa's Thinking: "I've smoked some shit that looks like your hair."
Will It Ever End?
What Santa's Thinking: "Twelve hours of work and I still can't sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don't end."
Santa Can't Take It Anymore
What Santa's Thinking: "I just want the pain to end."
Retro Claus
What Santa's Thinking: "Why doesn't anyone like my Woody Allen version of Santa?"
He Couldn't Care Less
What Santa's Thinking: "'Be a mall Santa,' they said. 'It'll be easy,' they said."
Help
What Santa's Thinking: "Shit... I'm waiting for the sun to shine."
The Shopping Cart Cage
What Santa's Thinking: "Why has God forsaken me?"
Triple Threat
What Santa's Thinking: "Your father will get the gift of a vasectomy, God as my witness."
What Kid Doesn't Like Winnie the Pooh?
What Santa's Thinking: "At least the doll can't shit on me."
Soul-Crushing
What Santa's Thinking: "The idea had been growing in my brain for some time: TRUE force. All the king's men cannot put it back together again."
Be Afraid
What Santa's Thinking: "I will crush him."
A Smile?
What Santa's Thinking: "Will they notice that I've just suffered a massive stroke?"
One More Round
What Santa's Thinking: "This is the night it all ends."