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Just friends. The friend zone. Bummer burger with a side of friend fries. No matter how you serve it “friendship” is the f-bomb for romance. Casual internal estimates suggest that, like, 90% of couples and would-be couples who decide to “just be friends” never speak again. It seems going from passionate potential soul mates to occasional coffee cohorts isn’t always an intriguing prospect. "Friend" even has “end” written right into it.
But there’s also a rare phenomenon where people say “let’s be friends” as more than an ultimate lip service. Where once-lovers attempt to spare the chewy friendship crust of the relationship, even after all the delicious, fatty romance toppings are scraped off. It makes sense, in theory: You did share the most intimate, personal pieces of your life with that person. And there had to have been more than one reason you made it past the in-it-for-the-sex three-month mark, right?
I interviewed six success stories in their mid-20s, who managed to stay friends with at least one ex*, and their accounts showed there’s a reason most exes don’t stay friends: It’s hard work. But the work does come with rewards. For one of the six, let’s call him Joey**, the reward for staying friends with his first serious ex was keeping his job. “Thankfully we remembered how to be coworkers who didn’t go home together from work. Otherwise, one of us would have had to go,” he recalls. But the stakes can also be simpler and more personal, as in Rachel’s case: “He was one of the most important people in my life, so he always will be.”
Whether you need to stay friends to avoid quitting your job or just want to find the friendship light at the end of your crumbling relationship tunnel, there are real tactics to consider when attempting a post-lovers friendship. The following 10 semi-chronological tips stood out as remarkably consistent guidelines for the brave souls who were able to immigrate to the friend zone in one piece. Use with caution, enter at your own risk, break up again in case of emergency.
*To be clear, I’m not talking about ex-husbands and wives or ex-baby-mamas and daddies here. Staying friends with them has much higher stakes and is the subject of another, more serious article.
**The names of those interviewed have been changed to protect them from the exes they’re not still friends with. Any similarity the names may bear to real persons or iconic '90s sitcom characters is purely coincidental, probably.
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Sever the limb.
“It has to be a clean break,” Rachel advises. “One hundred percent broken-up and understood on both sides.” Most everyone agreed that dragging out the relationship seriously hampers the chance of ending up friends. Ross, who is good friends with two of his five serious exes, finds the distinction clear: “I’m probably not friends with some exes because I stayed in it too long knowing I wasn’t going anywhere with them.”
Unfortunately today, with the Facetagrams and Snaptexts mirroring our every move, making the cut nice and clean takes more precision than ever. Phoebe warns, “No drunk texting, no bored-at-work gchatting, nothing!” While Chandler proposes cutting off one common problem at the source: “I don’t claim I’m ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook until I’ve been in one for five years.” When to make the breakup "Facebook official," who tells which friends, whether you keep following each other on Instagram are all issues that should be handled delicately. But while it’s easier said than done, if you know it’s over and would like to be friends, cut fast and follow through. There will be a time to heart their grams later.
Burn the city, save the bridge.
It might sound counterintuitive, but breaking up decisively needn’t be disrespectful. Monica implores: “Break up in a respectful way. Don’t say anything mean, even if it wasn’t your idea.”
In its way, breaking up is a fresh start, your chance to forget all the terrible things you did and said to each other. Don’t blow that good will by saying that terrible truth you really wanted to drop seven fight nights ago. Unless you don’t care about staying friends. In that case, let ‘em fly, you bitter lover, you. They’d probably be a shitty friend anyway.
Goodbye, sex.
Sadly, the friend zone does not take kindly to conjugal visits. This is definitely part of severing the limb, but such an important aspect of friendship deserves its own place on the list. In fact, the Friends of Exes League are almost unanimous in noting that making friendship work means not only cutting off the sex, but getting to a place where neither of you wants sex from each other at all.
Joey notes, “You need a pretty complete loss of sexual attraction. If you’re still attracted to each other, you probably can’t be friends.” I know, that may sound like a tall order, especially with all those breakup hormones flowing through your vulnerable psyche more backward than the Nile. But that’s where the next, arguably most important, friendship survival tip comes into play.
Take more time than you think you need.
If you have to count, you’re doing it wrong. This may be the hardest piece of advice on the list to heed because if you are looking for friendship at the end of a relationship, chances are you don’t want it in a year, you want it now. To help you through your breakup! You just can’t get it from your ex even if they’re the person you want it from most.
Taking the necessary radio silence was probably the most consistent advice the Friends With Exes gave, though. With estimates ranging from “immediately if it’s totally cool” (note: this example was from high school) and “at least a year” to “until you’ve both found someone new” and “until you don’t care if they don’t text back,” there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. But as Chandler puts it, “If you’re still wondering if it’s been long enough, it probably hasn’t been.” DGAFing enough to safely GAF again takes time.
Make your intentions clear.
When you emerge from your chrysalis as a pure-intentioned, booty-call-free butterfly, it’s time to be clear about why you’re reaching out to you ex. Monica, a particularly persistent butterfly, insists clear communication is the only reason she’s been able to stay friends with every last one of her exes. “I really try to communicate to that person why their friendship is so important to me and the value they add to my life. I also usually talk things through with whomever my ex is with now out of respect.” Whether or not you reach out directly to your ex’s new significant other or not, being clear about your intentions will help prevent drama where there needn’t be any.
Yet just because you’re ready to hop the buggy to Friendsville doesn’t mean your ex will be. Or maybe, as was the case with Rachel, they’ll need to tell you some dreamy details about their new relationship to feel safe reconnecting. Either way you’ll have to be cool with that (within reason) for the friendship to work. Rachel recognizes, “You have to let them have what they need too.” And if all this waiting, communicating and listening is starting to sound like a real downer, go ahead and skip to the tip #10.
What elephant?
Why couldn’t you love me enough? Were you really not interested in other people when we were together? How would you say your more recent relationships compare to ours? Not just sexually… but yeah, sexually.
All fascinating questions to ask an ex, as repeatedly evidenced by John Cusack’s character in High Fidelity, but not questions that facilitate friendship. “There are certain things, like sex, that you probably don’t discuss with one another…I also think staying friends with exes means I don’t retroactively idealize what I had in the past with them,” Monica acknowledges. Ross suggests, “A friendship between exes is calling with life updates, not diatribes about what could have been.” So in this case, ignore that elephant in the room. That beast remembers too much anyway. Keep it lightweight, especially to start. You used to know their family, every show they watched, every meal they ate; there should be plenty to catch up on.
Beware the sexy hang.
No bars, no candlelight, no camping trips on the Kaanapali Coast with just you two, a makeshift pup tent, and more waterfalls than you can count. No! Even if you don’t think you’re sexually interested in your ex, there are certain triggers that can quickly detonate the Great Wall of Friendship you’ve worked so hard to build around your friend zone.
Try having mutual friends join you as an emotional buffer. Meet at a stale coffee shop where none of the seats have cushions. Pretty much every interviewee referenced the coffee hang as a go-to venue for ex outings, so liking coffee should help your friendship’s chances of survival too. Chandler puts it in perspective: “If it’s a good place to meet an admissions officer, it’s probably safe for an ex.”
Accept your limitations.
An obvious but important moment in keeping a friendship with an ex is when you realize firsthand that you’ll never regain what you had as a couple. The great, deep truths that came out during that epic spoon sesh might not come out as easily over coffee. As Joey puts it, “It’s not going to be the same. And sometimes you hit a point in the conversation where it feels like you don’t need to see them again for a long time.” At this point it could seem like just being friends is a lot more trouble than it’s worth, and it might be, but there also could be more to look forward to…
Enjoy the strange trip it's been.
If you’ve gotten far enough to endure the first few terse holiday texts and awkward coffee shop catch-ups, it might be time to stop thinking and start enjoying the person in front of you. Everyone interviewed agreed that a friendship with an ex could end up stronger than the romantic era of the relationship ever was. “I think sometimes you’re in a romantic relationship with someone you’re just supposed to be friends with,” Phoebe reflects. While Ross notes, “A lot boils down to personality. If you genuinely got along as a couple, you should be able to as friends.”
So stop stressing and have some fun. Before you know it you’ll be trading some old fashioned chuckles about memories that might not have seemed as funny at the time. As Monica puts it: “It's great when you get to a point that you can joke about why things didn't work out.” An ultimate validation to your romantic demise, having the power to look back fondly and connect again in a way no two other people on earth can is the victory that drives exes to stay friends. Welcome to the friend zone’s Shangri La.
Know when to fold 'em.
Outcomes are not so idyllic for most couples. Even if it were possible to get to that blissfully chummy place together, it might just not be worth unearthing and repacking all that buried baggage to get there. Or one of you might never not want to have sex with the other. It’s unfortunate, but in the same way friendship is romantic kryptonite, enduring sexual chemistry tends to put any hopes for friendship to bed too (often literally). And then, of course, the reasons you broke up in the first place might be good enough reasons to not be friends.
Joey breaks it down simply saying, “I’m friends with the exes who I think are cool but don’t need to have sex with. Everyone else: nope.” Whatever the reason may be, and whoever’s fault it is, if you’re not meant to be friends, you can’t really force it (unless you’re Monica). But the fact that these unique types of long-lasting relationships are so hard to come by only means when you do have the chance to rebuild a friendship with an ex, it’s worth seriously considering. It might lead to the best coffee date of your life.