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Tom Hanks is Hollywood’s moral compass. He’s never involved in scandal, he seems to have a compulsion to give to any charity he can get his hands on, and he and his wife, Rita Wilson, look like the type of non-threatening couple that would have you over for charades and an ugly Christmas sweater party. He's the sort of nice guy who makes you just want to hate him. But instead you just rack yourself with guilt over the mere thought of ever hating someone so genuinely kind-hearted. It's a vicious cycle of self loathing known as the Hanks Effect.
However, just because Hanks is almost always nice doesn’t mean he never sinks down to the level of the unwashed masses. Early in his career he was known as a character actor who starred in a string of lowbrow comedies, which often featured crude humor, nudity, and shockingly foul language. Hey, even the best of us have our bad days, and Hanks certainly isn’t immune to that.
As the world celebrates Hanks’ messianic return in Saving Mr. Banks this weekend (playing Walt Disney, no less), it’s time to throw some shade on the parade with a look back at Tom Hanks’ Meanest Moments in Movies. After this, you’ll realize that, even when Tom Hanks is at his meanest, he’s still better than you.
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The "Knock, Knock" Joke
Featured in: Catch Me if You Can (2002)
In Catch Me if You Can, Tom Hanks trades in his harmless suburban charm for the stern, square role of FBI agent Carl Hanratty. During a scene when his fellow agents are hassling him for being so dull, Hanratty asks them if they would like to hear a knock-knock joke. They agree, and when the agents ask who is there, Hanratty dryly says, “Go fuck yourselves.”
Any time Hanks curses, it’s startling. He’s like the Danny Tanner of the film world. Even though this knock-knock joke is tame, even by the standards of elementary school vulgarity, it’s still a shock coming out of Hanks’ pristine lips.
Tom Hanks: Womanizer
Featured in: Charlie Wilson’s War (2007)
This isn’t exclusive to just one moment—Tom Hanks’ sleazy ways unfold throughout Charlie Wilson’s War. He plays the title character, a U.S. congressman who is trying to find a way to support Afghanistan during its war against the Soviet Union. As he works to get what he wants, Wilson is also shown as a drunken womanizer who frequents strips clubs, has indiscriminate sex, parties with a group of nudes in a hot tub, and keeps multiple affairs afloat at once.
Though he’s serving his country, Wilson spends his downtime satisfying all of his lesser urges without giving much thought to who he steamrolls in the process. This might not seem too mean to some, but keep in mind that this is Tom Hanks. It would be breaking news on CNN if he ever killed a spider in his bathroom.
Pretty Much Everything Rick Gassko Does
Featured in: Bachelor Party (1984)
As Tom Hanks admires his countless awards and trophies from his tireless work in film, does he ever think back fondly to the days of Bachelor Party? You know, that time he starred alongside countless naked women and a coke-snorting donkey? It’s doubtful, but his character in the movie, Rick Gassko, won’t be forgotten by fans of smut anytime soon. Even if you're jaded to the raunchiness of '80s comedies, Bachelor Party has more than enough moments to make you squirm in your seat.
In the movie, Rick Gassko is a petulant man-child who's enjoying his last days of single life. On the night of his bachelor party, Gassko acts like the ultimate frat bro: chugging booze, chasing tail, and watching as a donkey overdoses on coke. Wait, what? That’s right, the golden boy partakes in a little donkey show before taking the marital plunge.
Hanks is a complete dick in Bachelor Party, and not in a lovable way—in the way that leaves you wanting to see him go out in a hail of gunfire a la Saving Private Ryan. There’s not just one moment to choose from here—Hanks is a complete douche from beginning to end.
The Murder of a Literary Critic
Featured in: Cloud Atlas (2012)
Tom Hanks takes on multiple roles in the Tom Tykwer and the Wachowskis' Cloud Atlas, but none is more out of character than that of Dermot Hoggins, a former gangster and the author of a book called Knuckle Sandwich. During a soiree of society types at a penthouse high-rise, Hoggins calls out a literary critic who gave his book a bad review and proceeds to throw him off the roof to his death. In Hoggins’ twisted mind, this would give Knuckle Sandwich the type of press you can’t buy, causing it to become a best-seller.
There has always been some type of rationale whenever Tom Hanks murdered someone on screen. In Saving Private Ryan, he had to kill because of war; in Road to Perdition, he was killing others for the mob, so his conscience could remain somewhat clean. Here it's just because he's a sociopath.
It’s still hard to completely buy Hanks as a killer with a British accent and a shaved head, but the results speak for themselves.
Gunning Down Paul Newman’s Crew
Featured in: Road to Perdition (2002)
There are no hearts to be won or novelty pianos to dance on in Road to Perdition. No, here Tom Hanks plays Michael O’Sullivan, a ruthless hitman who has to protect his son from danger after he mistakenly witnesses a mob execution. After realizing the only way to ensure his son’s safety is to hunt down the enforcers on their trail, Sullivan goes in guns blazing after crime boss John Rooney (played by Paul Newman) and his lieutenants.
In the film's rain-soaked climax, Hanks sheds his good-natured veneer and unleashes a hail of lead from his trusted Tommy gun on his foes. For that one moment, the voice of Woody the toy cowboy seems like a distant memory. An emotionless Hanks ices the iconic Newman without giving it a second thought. It's easy to justify his cruelty here, but you can't argue that it's still cold.
“There’s no crying in baseball!”
Featured in: A League of Their Own (1992)
Tom Hanks is usually filled with such syrupy benevolence that he needs to be dabbed off with a pancake in between takes, but in A League of Their Own he plays a vulgar baseball manager named Jimmy Dugan. He sports a nasty 5 o'clock shadow and seems to be constantly nursing a hangover. But instead of managing seasoned male pros, he’s in charge of the confidence and well-being of a team of women.
It’s only fitting that the film's most memorable scene is also one that shows Hanks as an antisocial drunkard. When one of his players begins to cry after taking his verbal abuse, Dugan famously screams in her face, "There's no crying in baseball!" It's probably the only thing you actually remember about the movie. He also peppers the rant with some other beauties like, “Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game.”
Think about it, Jim Caviezel made the mistake of playing Jesus once and Hollywood was ready to send him out of town on a rail, yet Tom Hanks spends an entire movie berating women and Tinseltown lavishes him with more gold than Mr. T can fit around his neck. Life is unfair.