Image via Complex Original
Film cameos have slowly become the bane of the movie world. Oftentimes they are harmless little winks at the audience designed to give the crowd that warm, fuzzy feeling inside. But more often than not, these bit parts are nothing more than huge distractions that serve as a massive speed bump in the middle of a flick.
Whether they're painfully corny, horrifically acted or just plain bizarre, the classic film cameo has gone from a treat that only eagle-eyed fans could pick up on, to a blatantly obvious competition between filmmakers to see who could make an audience groan more.
Worst of all, movie studios don't even try to keep these things a surprise anymore. Cameos are often shown in the trailers and posters for a movie in order to create some unwarranted buzz and fool audiences into thinking that a celebrity's role is much larger than it actually is. And with Mike Tyson making another highly publicized, yet completely pointless, cameo in the déjà vu laden The Hangover Part II, we’re here to count down The 10 Lamest Celebrity Cameos in Movies.
M. Night Shyamalan
10. M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN AS RAY REDDY IN SIGNS (2002)
As if writing and directing shitty movies built on twists weren’t bad enough, M. Night Shyamalan’s just loves giving himself cameo roles. We don’t need to tell you that in most cases they're just filler. In the case of Signs, it was both a major dosage of filler and suck.
M. Night Shyamalan plays Ray Reddy, a dude who killed Reverend Graham Hess’ (Mel Gibson) wife in a driving incident. What makes Shyamalan’s cameo in Signs stand out is the fact that there is some serious acting being attempted here by a dude without the chops, and it brings down the whole scene. Shyamalan is trying his hardest to act like someone who is remorseful, while Mel Gibson is trying his hardest not to scream out some kind of anti-Indian slur.
Bruce Willis
9. BRUCE WILLIS AS HIMSELF IN OCEAN’S TWELVE (2004)
So…Julia Roberts plays a thief who has to pretend she’s Julia Roberts to be able to execute a heist—a plan that is nearly foiled by Bruce Willis, who plays Bruce Willis and happens to be a close friend of Julia Roberts (not the character that Julia Roberts plays, but the real Julia Roberts). Ugh. This movie was so fucking stupid.
And what makes it worst is the fact that the movie tries to present itself as something cool and hip. But this was just a really lame premise and a much more lamer cameo by the balding one you see above.
(Sidenote: Willis actually was originally supposed to play George Clooney’s character, Danny Ocean, but he backed out due to scheduling complications. What kind of effects this would have had on the trilogy, you ask? Not much. The first one would have still been awesome; the two sequels still would have been straight ass.)
Stephen King
8. STEPHEN KING AS CEMETERY CARETAKER IN SLEEPWALKERS (1992)
Author Stephen King loves to pop up in the film and TV adaptations of his work. During the span of his career, King has made cameo appearances in over 18 films. So when we were constructing our list we knew there had to be at least one that met our quota of pointless and obnoxious, and, gosh-golly, we think we found it.
No matter what the biggest Stephen King Stans will try to tell you, Sleepwalkers was not a good film. We know that they'll try to to say that the B-movie campiness of it all is entertaining, but, nah, it wasn't. They'll try to to say that the concept of weird shape-shifting cats going after virgins is cool, but, nah, it was lame. And yeah, we’re sure they'll tell us it's awesome to see horror movie directors Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre) and Clive Barker (Hellraiser) bicker with writer Stephen King during his brief 50-second cameo, but, nah, it was useless.
Actually, pointless is a more appropriate word, and, due to King's corny overacting, also very non-subtle. We’d actually preferred if they just played dead next time.
Guns N' Roses
7. GUNS N’ ROSES AS MUSICIANS AT FUNERAL (UNCREDITED) IN THE DEAD POOL (1988)
Maybe, if The Dead Pool, the fifth installment in the legendary Dirty Harry series, was some kind of sick serial killer comedy there’s some comic relief in seeing Guns N’ Roses just chilling at some dude’s funeral. Unfortunately, The Dead Pool is not a comedy (even though, admittedly, at this point The Dirty Harry series was considered a joke.)
At first we had no clue on why the producers felt the need to have the Guns N’ Roses members at a funeral, fully dressed in rock 'n' roll attire (this includes Slash and his Willy Wonka Hat). Then we remembered the band's iconic song "Welcome To The Jungle" appears in the movie. Ohhhhh, OK, we get it...no, who are we kidding, it still makes no fucking sense to us.
Wes Craven
WES CRAVEN AS FRED THE JANITOR (UNCREDITED) IN SCREAM (1996)
People seem to love this one—the Freddy Krueger creator popping up as a janitor. And yeah, we guess we kinda get it; it has some nostalgia factor going for it. Still, it's pretty obvious and predictable. If we were directing Scream we would have went completely wildcard on that ass and threw in a cameo from Maximillian, the vampire from Craven's awful Vampire in Brooklyn, but we digress.
In all seriousness, we much prefer the Linda Blair cameo as a news reporter. It's much more subtle, clever, skillfully done, and a tad-bit ironic.
Charles Barkley
5. CHARLES BARKLEY AS HIMSELF IN LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW (1993)
Look Who’s Talking was a cute, clever little comedy that detailed what life is like seen through the eyes of a newborn. Then the sequel came, and it kinda was the same shit—but it still wasn’t super terrible. Then another sequel came, this one through the perspective of dogs, and that's when things went completely off the cliff.
We could go on for pages and pages about all the things that are wrong with this flick (a list for another day!) but we’re going to focus on the Charles Barkley cameo here. It's tuuuurrible, even by corny athlete standards. It's a dream sequence of him getting beat in a game of basketball by the little girl, Julie. It's actually kind of surprising how bad his acting is in this, this part should have come natural to him considering Michael Jordan torched his ass the exact same way during the '93 NBA finals.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis
4. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AND BRUCE WILLIS AS TRENCH AND MR. CHURCH IN THE EXPENDABLES (2010)
False advertising—it’s what the USA was founded on. And no movie in recent memory screams more of this principle than The Expendables. Promising great action from start to finish with a charismatic cast of action movie stars, this movie was one of the most anticipated flicks of 2010. Unfortunately, the super-cast idea was based on a lie; the much hyped scene involving three of Hollywood’s biggest stars (Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis) turned out to be nothing more than two cheap cameos with some groan-inducing jokes sprinkled in.
The Governator’s hotly anticipated return to the silver screen was an incredible rip-off especially because the scene had no real purpose and it only served to drum up some cheap publicity for this hot mess of a film. Arnie wasn't a cyborg, he wasn't pregnant, hell, he wasn't even Mr. Freeze!
But the biggest crime is that Bruce Willis is shown in the cameo for the same brief period of time, yet his name was on the film’s theatrical poster. Stallone should have just turned around after the scene, thanked the audience for their money, and let the credits roll.
Vanilla Ice
3. VANILLA ICE AS HIMSELF IN TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE (1991)
We find it hard to believe that the filmmakers behind Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II ever thought it would be a good idea to include Vanilla Ice in this movie. Hell, his career was basically over before the movie got released on home video. But some Hollywood bigwig must have thought featuring a flash-in-the-pan novelty act would somehow line his pockets with more cash when all was said and done.
In this short cameo, Ice took a movie that was decent, at best, and turned it into an example of everything that was awful about the '90s. He sings, he dances, he horrifies. It’s a pretty telling sign that in a scene involving five man-sized turtles and a talking coyote that Vanilla Ice is still the most ridiculous looking thing in the building.
Hulk Hogan
2. HULK HOGAN AS HIMSELF IN GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH (1990)
No one could touch Hulk Hogan during the '90s. From his candle-stick-thick moustache, to his suspiciously tanned skin, the Hulkster was the idol of millions. So what better way is there to launch your movie into the cinematic stratosphere than to feature the Immortal Hogan in a brief cameo during his prime? Everything. Everything is better than this cameo.
While Gremlins 2 will never be the subject of an in-depth lecture for a film class, the movie makers behind it could have at least tried to reduce the number of blood boiling scenes they put into it. But no, instead they feature the WWF’s biggest icon as he tears down the fourth wall, thanks to his pharmaceutically enhanced physique, and talks directly to the audience. Not only did it take audiences right out of the movie, it makes even less sense when you’re watching at home.
The moment is so cringe-worthy that it leaves most people’s faces in a frozen state of disgust 'til the movie is over. So avoid this one at all costs, Brother!
Patrick Ewing
1. PATRICK EWING AS THE ANGEL OF DEATH IN THE EXORCIST III (1990)
It should come as no surprise that movies ending in the number “3” are rarely any good. Not many people are aware that The Exorcist III exists, but it most certainly does, and it ain’t pretty. Still, despite tepid reviews and thin box office returns, this flick actually does bring something noteworthy to the table: Patrick Ewing.
Complete with an outstretched pair of feathery wings and a pristine white robe, the former New York Knicks center has a brief—and extremely random—cameo in the movie as the Angel of Death, much to the befuddlement of fans everywhere. The cameo serves no real purpose as Ewing doesn’t really do much, but the mere sight of the Hall of Famer is surreal enough to be memorable. Just not for the right reasons.
While we're sure that Ewing could never rival Marlon Brando or Joseph Cotten for acting dominance, the filmmakers could have at least given him something to do so his part didn't seem completely nonsensical. As a side note, if he had those wings in real life, maybe Scottie Pippen wouldn't have his manhood in a jar on the mantle right now.