Image via Complex Original
“Stalking” is a strong word. It’s often overlooked in that it can be done in a tasteful way. I’m talking about social media stalking, of course, because real-life stalking is never tasteful in any way, shape, or form. Bushes are for twigs and small woodland creatures—not for you to hide in while you wait for your crush to walk to school. With that said, social media stalking does have its equivalent to being a bushes creeper, and we’re here to help you avoid that at all costs. Because what it really comes down to is will power. Knowing when to take a minute to think through the impulses that your mind has is right, and trusting the alternatives that your gut tells you is right. Trust me, I’ve been through my fair share of social media fails and it has always been a result of me not trusting my gut. So get those guts ready and listen up, because this a foolproof (almost, please don’t hold me to that) guide to tasteful social media stalking.
Check Their Twitter, But Not Daily
Whenever you really dig someone, you naturally become very curious as to what they’re up to when you think about them. Fortunately, and unfortunately, it’s pretty easy to find that out nowadays. This is both a blessing and curse. Check their goings-on too much and you’ll start to cook up all kinds of ideas as to why they are where they are and why they’re spending time with the people they’re spending time with. This will drive you absolutely bonkers and make you very skeptical of their behavior, which is not cool for the times when you interact with them in person. People know when something’s up; they can just feel it. You want all of your real-life encounters to be light-hearted and fun, not unsettling and terrifying. All you should be doing is seeing what they’re up to a couple times a week. If an update comes into your feed, read it. Whatever you do, just don’t go camping out on their page for hours on end.
No DMs. Ever. Kinda.
If they happen to follow you back on various forms of social media then you’re already winning like a fifth of the battle. That means that they have some vested interested in you as a person and as a social media entity. Maybe they think you’re funny and like what you put out there. Maybe they secretly like your selfies and are as nervous to talk to you as you are to them. The last one’s a best-case scenario, so reign it in right now before your daydream turns into someone else’s day-nightmare. Whatever the case may be, you’re in a great spot if there’s a following back situation happening, so don’t go ruining it by getting weird with direct messages. This goes for both Twitter and Instagram. If they hit you up first, wonderful—play it cool. If they don’t, lay off. The last thing you want to do is come off as an overly eager new buddy just chomping at the bit for some one-on-one communication. It will happen when the time is right.
Chill on the Faves and RTs
Faves and retweets are much easier to justify to yourself than a DM, but are arguably far more damaging to your chances of actually being friends with this person. A DM opportunity means that they’ve already taken some interest in you as a person. That doesn’t have to happen before you can start favoriting and retweeting them. Sure you might think that you’re just applauding them on a tweet well done, but too much of it and we’re right back to you coming off as this super hungry fanboy hiding behind a social media persona as your only means of telling a person that you like them. A tasteful fave here and there is perfectly fine, just as long as it’s not on something silly. Don’t digitally applaud someone for telling you that they just got ice cream with their dad. Sure, we all tweet because we want attention, but we should only get attention we’ve earned by saying something funny or smart. Also, never fave or retweet a selfie or any picture of the person in question. I don’t think I need to explain that last point any further.
Chill on the @Replies
This is in the same vein as my last sentiment on faves and retweets, but there is a little more wiggle room here. @Replies are a great tool for building off of a joke that someone put out there, or for calling someone out for saying something stupid. Personally, I prefer the latter. First, let me say that you should never be outwardly mean towards someone or about a topic they or anyone else is discussing. NOBODY likes a bully, especially one that hides behind the Internet. You can, however, fire off a well-timed and smartly worded dig at someone for posting a pointless, or even overly self-indulgent, tweet. If you’re nice about it, they and others will respect it. And if they can’t handle being called out for being an idiot, then they’re not worth your time. There are plenty of awesome people on social media to harmlessly stalk, so don’t waste your time with someone who’s incapable of laughing at themselves.
Don’t Comment on Instagram Photos
We will now dive in to my preferred social media medium, Instagram. It’s such a fun one to participate in, and at the same time, such a slippery slope to social media stalk in. Boy oh boy can you get yourself in some hot water with Insta. I already covered on no DMs so I won’t beat a dead horse here too much, but yeah, no DMs. You’ll end up sending a blurry picture of your worst face and ask them if they want to get a salad after school. The real tricky one to look out for here is comments. It’s oh-so-tempting to leaving a quick little “Nice shot!” or (insert muscle flex emoji here) on your favorite person’s photo. Then it happens again—and again, and again. And now you’re just a fan that will never be a real-life pal. Say nothing or VERY little at all. I would recommend the same approach here as I recommended for Twitter @Replies. If the photo and/or caption is just begging to be called out for being foolish, then do it. If you do that and the person writes back acknowledging your call-out in a positive way, then end it there. Don’t get in a back-and-forth with them because then you’re right back to coming off as too eager. Comment strong and be out. It’s like the mic drop of social media.
Don’t Like EVERY Instagram Photo
This is an obvious tip that is also a very easy trap to fall into—especially if the person actually takes good photos. Actually, let me say this: If they are in fact a good photographer and their purpose on Instagram is to post beautiful photos, then you have more of a free pass to go nuts with the likes. There have been plenty of times when I’ve checked my Insta and have seen a ton of likes from one person who got lost in my feed. It’s flattering because that’s why I put my pics out there. But if it’s anything like a normal person’s IG feed, which is filled with pics of friends, food, and themselves, then check yourself on the liking rampage. There aren’t many things that say “obsessed creep” more than double-tapping every photo someone has posted of themselves. Your parents might get a call from their parents and then teachers are all like, “Lay off the pic-liking, my dude,” and then everyone’s grounded and nobody wants that.
Friend Request Lightly
Amassing a digital army of all your stalkee’s friends might feel like a great way to keep an eye on them without REALLY keeping an eye on them, but that’s a plan that can backfire pretty quickly. Start to fire too many friend requests out there and you’ll sound some alarms. People will start talking and word will spread that you’re trying to circle your target like some kind of poorly thought-out military tactic. Now, if you have an actual real-life relationship with these friends of friends, and they’re just another set of Internet pals that you haven’t yet connected with, then by all means, request away. A healthy connection online starts offline, especially if it’s with the opposite sex. If you’re keeping an eye on someone you like and haven’t really spoken to them much face-to-face, don’t freak out if they don’t accept your friend request right away. And definitely DO NOT bring it up if/when you finally do speak to them. Nothing takes you down a couple pegs like immediately asking the question, “So how come you haven’t accepted my friend request yet? Am I not cooooooool enough?” They’re both questions you do not want to hear the answer to.
Only Go When Invited
This is just one of those rules that applies to all aspects of life—one of those unspoken golden rules that we all kind of have to live our lives by if we enjoy meeting new people. The reality of life is that you’re not going to get invited to everything. It’s just how the cookie crumbles. You have to accept that fact and keep it moving because you will definitely be invited to some things, and it’s a lot more fun when people know you’re coming and actually want you there. Also, showing up solo to a gathering of people because you sniffed out their location in some social media chatter puts you in another level of the “What’s up with this guy?” hierarchy. They’ll assume that you spend the majority of your free time trolling for strangers’ whereabouts on social media. That might ice you from the invite list for an undetermined period of time. High school is short, so try to play your cards right as frequently as possible and to the best of your abilities. I have faith that you can nail this one.
Never Get Too Worked Up
One of the biggest social media traps that eventually nabs everyone, at least for a little bit, is to make it an emotional dumpster. There aren’t many people out there that enjoy seeing the roller coaster that is your fleeting emotions. I know it feels like a great venue for venting about whatever is going on in your life, but the majority of people just want to read something short and funny. Humor always crushes in just about every form of social media, so if you can be funny, be the funniest. If not, don’t sweat it. Just try to keep your temperament at a consistently chill level and all will be good. Besides, if you’re all worked up about something, you’re probably just hungry.
Don’t Get Too Deep Into a Social Media Wormhole
If you feel yourself maybe tipping the scale from “tasteful” to “this is probably unhealthy” stalking, maybe it’s time you got some fresh air and ran around for a while. Get out there—hit the reset button. Because if you don’t, things start to get a little weirder and red flags will start popping up left and right. First you might start poking around Foursquare to see if they still like checking in everywhere they goe. Then, before you know it, you’re transcribing Yelp comments in your own words and dedicating your Snapchat stories to your undying stranger love. You never really need to know that much about a person’s social media behavior. If they’re already your homie, it’s different. You guys can have a blast with each other on the Internet all you want. But if they’re someone you’re trying to be homies with, then just start talking to them whenever you get a chance. Think about it: If you’re looking to bring a new buddy into the crew, then you’re going to have to actually speak to them sooner or later. Sooner is for pros. Be a pro.