Image via Complex Original
Whether you like or not, Twitter is here to stay. It’s like a stepdad that your family loves but is also really good at making fun of you when you say something dumb. You want to hate him, but you can’t upset the herd so you’re left with only one option: playing it cool. And if you don’t play it cool, the gigabyte guardians will sniff out your fear faster than you can say, “Help me, Favstar!”
If that last paragraph already has you shaking in your HootSuite, relax. Everything is going to be just fine. The Internet forgets just as fast as it rewards, and if you heed my time-tested, web-based wisdom, you’ll be reaping the benefits of a Klout score that will make even the likes of Rob Delaney nervous.
Disclaimer: If do you heed my time-tested, web-based wisdom, and you reap absolutely no benefits whatsoever, you should probably quit Twitter forever. JK. (Kind of.)
Only be funny. All the time. Forever.
People only have to read what you have to say if they think there’s a chance they’re going to laugh. Nobody wants to know that you’re all out of milk. Or that you stubbed your toe again. Or that you’re sad because you don’t know why. Sure all these things and emotions happen to us, but it’s important to know what to filter out before pressing “Tweet.” Comedy rules the Internet, and that’s not something that should intimidate you if you don’t think you’re funny. All that matters is that you think what you have to say is funny. Trust that and people will follow, even if it’s just your mom.
Be yourself, even if you’re super weird
Don’t be afraid to be as weird as you are in real life. Now before I go on, being weird does not mean being an insensitive idiot. It never has and it never will be. It could mean being a regular idiot, which is totally fine. Weird idiots do very well on Twitter simply because they are honest with themselves and their followers. Everyone loves an honest weirdo just as much as everyone hates a dishonest weirdo. Remember how much everyone loved Sloth from The Goonies once they got to know him? Exactly. Now go be your own Twitter Sloth, and a loyal army of Internet Goonies is waiting.
#winning #epic #blessed #are #all #terrible #ideas
Hashtag lightly and creatively or don’t hashtag at all. Do not jump on a played-out, tired hashtag because you think it’s going to get you some sweet tweet action, because it won’t. They’re like the Razor scooters of hashtags. Sure, they’re cool when you’re jumping the 3-stair in front of an elementary school with your other scoot-y pals, but take that puppy to a real skate park and see who’s favoriting you now.
To selfie or not to selfie, is never the question
There is a time and place for you to participate in this horrid phenomenon—that I also secretly love—and it’s called anywhere other than Twitter. I’m sure there’s a small audience that wants to look at an overexposed, out-of-focus snapshot of your best puppydogeyesduckfacenosering, but they will never be on Twitter. Email it to them. Text it to them. Instagram it to them. But don’t send, what you think, is your sexy face out into the ether and assume that strangers care about your new haircut. Your friends don’t even care about your new haircut. It’s true, and I’m sorry I’m the one who had to break it to you.
Trending topics are stupid topics
I know they’re tempting because everyone is talking about them. Some of them even seem like an easy win. But here’s the thing: no one who’s good at Twitter cares about trending topics. The only exception to this rule would be having an opinion on the happenings of a major cultural event like an awards show. This does, however, require a quick wit, impeccable comedic timing, and an audience that’s larger than a fourth grade science class. If you’re still not really feeling my advice and are compelled to engage in the obvious, make sure you know what you’re talking about. Misinformation is the mother of all morons. Or something like that.
When in doubt, delete and keep it moving
Listen, we all have regrets. We all say things we wish we hadn’t—that’s why apologies exist. But unless you manage to screw up on a colossal, people-with-important-blogs-get-super-mad level, then you won’t need to apologize—just delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Nobody will wonder why that tweet about picking your nose in the produce section suddenly disappeared. I would also recommend setting some time aside to go back to the beginning of your Twitter life and cleaning house. You never know who’s going to fall in love with your voice and decide to take a long look at what you’ve had to say, only to be blindsided by a photo journey of the evolution of your toenails.
Popular Twitter strangers do not want to be your friend
I know it’s tempting to try and befriend a like-minded, heavily-followed Twitter celebrity, but it’s not gonna work out. You’re going to end up looking desperate and sad and probably feel more alone than you did before you embarked your “please like me” campaign. You’ve got to stick with the people at your level and climb the Internet ladder with them. Trying to skip a few steps on the road to online stardom will only delay the process. Think of Twitter like high school, where popularity is earned and not awarded. Unless your parents are super rich, then you win life automatically.
Drafts are your only true friend
Twitter is full of selfish liars that only care about their own success and will almost never give you honest feedback. You are your own best friend in the Twittersphere, so trust your instinct and edit heavily. This is where tweet drafts become an invaluable resource. Just keep half-baked tweets or ideas saved as drafts instead of trying to force out something that’s not quite there yet, simply because you feel like you need to feed the masses. Less is more. It’s better to have one amazing tweet a day than three pieces of legible garbage that impresses no one but yourself.
Fake quotes are real stupid
“We as a collective, digital whole have moved past the fake quotes as jokes tweets. It was fun while it lasted, but now it just comes across as not being with the times. If you’ve got a fake quote that’s burning a hole in your drafts folder, try to figure how to say it as a funny statement. Because it is possible, that’s how the English language works. I know it can be hard to kick that brain into third gear, but you’ll only be better off for it.” – An Uncle
Only talk about salads for a day
It’s all about committing. Committing to a point of view. Committing to a brand of humor. Committing to one really weird topic and driving it home until people love it. Sure your audience might be a little reluctant at first, you might even feel some resistance, but people fear what they don’t understand until you make them think they understand it. Maybe salads aren’t your thing. Maybe you’re more of a corn chowder type of guy. Either way, stay confident and commit. I once spent two whole weeks voicing my opinion on why the five-second rule should really be closer to a 75-minute rule. Gross? Maybe. But finding half a pack of gummy bears under my coffee table was the best thing to happen to me in 2013.