Image via Complex Original
Michael Bloomberg is a billionaire media mogul who’s been the mayor of New York City since the aftermath of its biggest disaster. If this were a comic book, he’d also be a cape-wearing crimefighting vigilante tearing up the streets at night in his Bloommobile. But life isn’t the comics, and no matter how many sign-language interpreting sidekicks he employs, Mayor Bloomberg will be a bona fide superhero.
So instead, he's decided to protect the people of Gotham by outright banning anything that could do them harm. With the help of his very own Justice League, the City Council, Bloomberg has very publicly taken on guns, cigarettes, soda, and now, those WMDs of summer: sparklers. Apparently, the second-rate fireworks are capable of causing "dramatic harm."
Bloomberg’s crusade has met with mixed results—apparently, some New Yorkers would actually prefer to do what they want—and it remains to be seen if he can successfully take sparklers off the streets and save tens, if not dozens, of adolescent arms from getting momentarily tickled. But regardless of whether birthday cakes get to keep that extra pizazz or not, there’s no doubt that Bloomberg will continue fighting the good fight, banning anything and everything that could hurt us.
The following are undoubtedly in Michael Bloomberg’s sights. Because he’s the hero New York City deserves (but not the one it actually needs). So we’ll mock him, because he can take it. Here are 10 things our not-so-silent guardian and watchful protector Mayor Bloomberg will ban next. Here's to our Dark Knight's over-developed protective instincts.
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10. Shoelaces
Mayor Michael Bloomberg is tired of telling you kids to tie your shoes. But you refuse to listen, and now he’s tired of making you come over to City Hall while he bends down and ties them for you.
So you know what? No more shoelaces. Period. From now on, New York is a Velcro town. And you better keep them extra tight, or it will be slip-ons for the lot of us.
9. Scary Movies
Bloomberg has already taken on the film industry with its ridiculously long movie trailers. Just start the movie already, Hollywood—the Mayor wants us to get to bed at a respectable hour.
But the previews weren’t enough, and Bloomberg will soon adapt his short-form authoritarianism piece into a feature-length bitchfest about scary movies. Do you know how much urine has been spilled thanks to those disgusting, shriek-inducing chillers? One of these days, a little Japanese ghost baby is going to pop up in that bathroom mirror and some poor, unsuspecting New Yorker chowing down on a two-gallon tub of buttered popcorn is going to have a heart attack.
Not on Uncle Mike’s watch. And why stop at horror movies? He’s going to ban any movies that make us feel bad in any way, including those slice-of-life dramas that present the harsh realities of modern life in an all-too relatable light. You can take your existential crises to New Jersey, Woody Allen.
8. Chairs
Last year, the medical community revealed a study that showed that sitting down reduces life expectancy by over two years, the mortality equivalent of eight cigarettes. Doctors have since urged men and women to get off their butts and be the bipeds our ancestors worked so hard for us to be.
Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t trust us to stand on our own though, so he’ll undoubtedly take away our seats by force. It will be like a giant game of musical chairs, except without any fun music, and the last remaining chair will be the Electric Chair—for any no-good rebels who want to stand up to the Mayor...by not standing up.
7. The Rock Music
In what will be named "The Damn Kids and Their Music" Act, Michael Bloomberg will initiated a plan to outlaw loud rock-n-roll in the five boroughs. Citing concern for the city’s eardrums, and the fact that he can “hear you playing that Nickleback song” from across the room, the Mayor will reduce each New Yorker's decibel count drastically.
Old Man Bloomberg will defended his position, claiming that this will not only protect our ears, but also our hair and skin, as people who listen to the rock music always end up shaving their heads and getting mohawks and nipple piercings and tattoos of Satan and so forth. So, yes, it's a neccesary precaution.
Bloomberg will be careful not to single out just rock music, acknowledging that other sources are also harmful to our hearing. That is why he will also institute a ban on audiobooks with too many exclamation points.
6. Sharp Corners
He’s safeguarded our lungs and our hearts, but that still leaves our kneecaps and shins dangerously unprotected. That’s why Mayor Bloomberg will next conquer the scourge of klutzes everywhere—coffee tables and other sharp corners. New Yorkers are busy and on-the-go and we can’t expect to be bothered to look in front of us, let alone in front and slightly below our field of vision.
Because the Mayor is a perfectly reasonable person, and no politician gets very far in his career without compromise, instead of outright banning sharp corners, Bloomberg will create a new tax-funded NYPD task force charged with wrapping all corners and edges in safety foam or temporary Styrofoam sheets. Until then, we'll be expected to stay clear of any rooms containing right angles. The project is expected to be completed in April 2037.
5. Pop Rocks
If Bloomberg does fancy himself a superhero, then soda has to be his archnemesis. No matter how hard he tries to keep it and its sugary friends down, soda fizzles back up and drowns the city in its delicious calories.
During this spring’s crusade against large cup sizes, the Bloomberg administration discovered frightening new information that soda is at its outright deadliest when combined with the otherwise innocent confection, Pop Rocks. The administration’s source, Bloomberg’s eight-year-old nephew Billy, reported that when combined with the acids of the stomach, soda and Pop Rocks create a highly unstable explosive, like that red and white stuff from Die Hard with a Vengeance.
Because of this the Mayor will institute an immediate ban on Pop Rocks, and, just to be safe, rock candy. Billy Bloomberg has not been available for comment, last being seen three weeks ago with two liters of Pepsi and a roll of Mentos.
4. Legos
Bloomberg will declare a war on all tiny choking hazards, including those insidious sleeper cell terrorist weapons, Legos. You’re not fooling anyone, Denmark. Why else would you make them such pretty bright colors if you didn’t want innocent Americans jamming them into their mouths and down their throats?
In fact, most toys are too dangerous for our city’s children. Why can’t they just use their imaginations, like little Mikey did when he was just a baby Mayor growing up in Massachusetts?
Just to be safe though, Bloomberg will up the age requirement for all games with choking hazards and force boxes to be labeled “Warning: Small Parts Not For Children Under 30.”
3. Scissors
Running with scissors is Mayor Bloomberg’s ultimate pet peeve. But, due to hypothetically expected revenue loss from the New York marathon, the Mayor was unable to declare an outright ban on running. Instead, he will ban scissors.
He will not leave us empty-handed. Instead, he'll be replacing all confiscated scissors with those plastic safety scissors we all used in Kindergarten. They don’t cut very well, but, well, that’s the point. Or the dull tip, whatever.
As a psychological measure, Bloomberg will also outlaw using the scissors move in Rock-Paper-Scissors. Upon further considering the dangers of blunt objects, the Mayor will also decided to disallow close-fisted rocks, leaving the game simply, Paper.
Then again, papercuts are just as dangerous as being sliced by scissors...
2. Term Limits
In 2009, Michael Bloomberg famously strongarmed the City Council into amending municipal law and extending mayoral term limits. But another four years wasn’t enough time for the Mayor to ban everything his little eye could spy. That is why he will seek to ban term limits altogether, and become, officially, New York’s Mayor-4-Lyfe.
Like everything he does, this would be for our own good. Besides, we don’t have to re-elect him if we don’t want to. We can choose to ignore his millions in campaign spending and ubiquitous bilingual press conferences and vote for whatever hopeless fool that tries running against him.
Although, maybe he will ban Election Day, too. After all, those voting booths are nothing but treacherous death traps.
1. The Sun
Seeking inspiration from one of his biggest idols, The Simpsons’ Mr. Burns, Mayor Bloomberg’s ultimate goal will be to block out the Sun. Despite turning our busiest streets into pedestrian plazas and practically giving bicycles away, the Mayor has been unsuccessful in halting climate change. And, as you know, the Ozone Layer is thinning, and skin cancer rates are rising.
Just because the Sun is cheap and effective, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. There are plenty of other alternatives to heat and light, like heaters, and electricity. Because of this, banning the Sun from New York is really the only sensible thing to do.
Though, if Mayor Bloomberg succeeds in accomplishing his greatest aim, we might have to reassess our superhero metaphor. Destroying the Sun kind of falls more into supervillain territory. In fact, the last billionaire politician to actually attempt this was Lex Luthor (Bloomberg’s other, less discussed idol.)
Good God, the horrible truth has been staring us in the face all along! Michael Bloomberg is a supervillain. We’ve been duped! It’s Rudy Giuliani all over again. And now it’s too late.
If you’re reading this from outside New York, please, warn others. Let the rest of America know, lest they make this man President. Hide yo wife, hide yo kids. Hide yo soda.
But for now, just focus on hiding yo sparklers.